Half to Whole

Questions 16-20

2012-01-29T10:29:00.000-08:00

The next series of questions from this website...

16.) Have you done anything lately worth remembering? A couple who we are friends with recently found out their almost 3 year old (3 in May) has leu.k.emia. This child already has c.yst.ic fib.ro.sis which they learned of at her newborn screening tests. I dont particularly enjoy the company of the male half of this couple (and I'm fairly certain he feels the same about me) and at times have nothing but disdain for him and his behaviors but I do get along ok with his wife. I was devastated, as we all were in our circle of friends, to learn this news, thinking of their poor child and how difficult this must be for them as parents. So despite my dislike for him, I did not forget my own grace and charity for them and their daughter and we donated some cash along with a few meals and snacks to help them out. Its worth it for me to remember this lesson of giving to people in time of need in any small way possible.

17.) What does your joy look like today? See that pic below...of my beautiful boy and our chill cat...that is my joy. My child every day is my ultimate joy, everyday.

18.) Is it possible to lie without saying a word? Yes it is. Body language and facial expression say so much more than words do at times. Lying by omission is still lying.

19.) If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend? A few months ago, I would have said for not very long. Now I'm getting better at the self-talk thing but its certainly a good question to ask oneself. I know if I heard negative talk from another, I would end the relationship in a heartbeat but you can't end your relationship with yourself so easily and it isnt always apparent there is negativity going on in your own head. Insight is pretty important when it comes to this sort of thing.

20.) Which activities make you lose track of time? Listening to music, playing the piano, cooking and baking and reading. All of my favorite things in the world...leave me with a book and my Ipod and I step out of the world for awhile.

Wordless Wednesday

2012-01-25T03:54:00.001-08:00

Questions 11-15

2012-01-24T18:25:00.000-08:00

11.) Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength? I think it can be both actually. I think most think of this issue in terms of character. To that I say bullshit...crying is not a character issue at all. In my line of work, when a client cries, they have likely broken down a wall of defensiveness and are opening up themselves to not only the person listening but to their own self. Depending on the situation, crying can also be a sign of strength.

12.) What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? I have no idea.

13.) Do you celebrate the things you do have? Yes but not enough. I could work harder at gratefulness for sure, but after the hard days I have and when I'm feeling hopeless in my work, I definitely appreciate the hand I've been dealt in life.

14.) What is the difference between living and existing? I'm not sure if I can really adequately describe this but I know it when I see it and feel it. Moving along, shuffling through, not really living with passion and purpose. Existing is going through the motions, living is being in every moment and fully present.

15.) If not now, when? I ask myself this all the time and I put things off thinking I have another time. Sometimes, I dont. And someday, I won't.

Questions 6-10

2012-01-23T17:06:00.000-08:00

Questions 6-10 in the 365 questions...

6.) What do you wish you had spent more time doing 5 years ago? Five years ago I was graduating my Masters program in June, and getting married in October. I moved back home from Chicago until my wedding. I guess I wish I would have spent more time with my parents and family before my wedding because since my wedding I have lived in Canada with my husband. The distance between here and there is great and can feel very far at times. I also wish I had spent my last few months in Chicago trying one more restaurant, exploring one more museum and partying it up with my friends.

7.) Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know? I think I tend to settle for what I know more often than I ask questions, but I will say this depends on the situation. In my work, I ask questions all the time. Its well over 50% of my mental activity and treatment of clients. So in my personal life, I tend to settle for what I know because I'm just so tired of questions. Plus my DH does a TON of questioning of everything so he does more than enough for us both. I have been analytical by nature since I was a little kid..hmm...so maybe I have a good balance of the two? Interesting question...haha...see...even my answer is slightly ambiguous in whether I continue to question or settle...

8.) Who do you love and what are you doing about it? I love my husband and I do it by showing respect. I treat him as an equal partner, work hard to not use harsh words or language against him, no name-calling, and I try not to nag or be controlling. I treat him as an adult to his face and when talking about him when he isn't around. I dont use sex for power and control (I like it too much to punish myself too, haha) or punishment. We have a no name calling unspoken rule in our marriage...I think if that was to happen, it would be a real sign of trouble. We dont even jokingly say "f-off" to each other and if he ever called me a bitch, I would have his balls in a jar.

9.) What's a belief that you hold with which many people disagree? I don't tend to hold too many controversial beliefs in my heart, and I don't really think my belief system is unique...we all think we're unique but really, we are too often alike too. Focusing too much on disagreements is what creates even bigger problems in my opinion so I haven't really thought about how my beliefts differ from others...I more interested in how they are similiar. In thinking of my line of work, services for women are way more abundant than they were 30+ years ago. Shelters, advocacy, counselling, and support for issues women weren't allowed to talk about or were even acknowledged to be a problem so many years ago are amazing to have for women nowadays. That said, I believe strongly there isnt enough for men as well. I believe in rights for men and in my line of work, too many things are advocated for women only and not for the men folk too. For example, why do women get free sexual assault counselling but male survivors of sexual assault have to pay for it out of pocket? Just one of my peeves when it comes to extreme feminism. My sisters in womanhood are so deserving and didnt get anything for so long but now the pendulum has swung so far we are leaving half the population behind in important issues to them.

10.) What can you do today that you were not capable of one year ago? One year ago I was in the midst of a pretty significant depression based on my lack of employment and feeling less than good about my contributions and self-esteem. Mix in some undiagnosed, untreated mild postpartum depression as well...I can say with 90% certainty I had some of that going on too. I think much of the contributing factors to that were uncertainty about my job situation, financial stress and knowing I wasn't a very good stay at home parent some days but not knowing when I would be back to work. It created a lot of anger, anxiety, emotional eating and lack of control. I can say today that I am capable of self awareness and recognition of how to manage these feelings and knowing it is all temporary. However long temporary is, its still temporary. To manage behavior when feelings and situations are temporary is a skill I have honed for myself and my own situation very well.

365 Questions

2012-01-22T17:52:00.001-08:00

In an attempt to blog more often, I am turning to this website and its list of 365 questions. So I shall answer them here. I'm going to try to catch up by answering 5 a day for a bit.

1.) When was the last time you tried something new? I tried bellydancing back in September 2011 at a local studio and it was super fun! It was also incredibly challenging physically and mentally. I can't recall prior to this the last time I tried something new. Generally I'm pretty cool with staying my comfort zone, but I realize more and more that this holds me back too. So with a touch of fear and anxiety, along with some excitement, I gave it a whirl and I really enjoyed it. It was incredibly difficult to confront my body fears in such an intimate way but I'm glad I did it. I am so uncoordinated and it was disappointing to learn that I have lost some of my natural rhythm I have as a musician as I have gotten really lazy the last few years. It made me realize I need to work a little harder to keep my body healthy. I think I'm a little more at peace with my body image lately as a result. Oh and I'll be doing more classes in March so I hope this is an activity I can do continue to do, learn and enjoy.

2.) Who do you sometimes compare yourself to? I would be lying if I said I never compared myself to other women in the looks department. For a long time it has been in a negative light towards myself, but I'm working on this. I'm working on becoming more content with my own looks. I think with the next decade of my life looming ahead, its making me think a little harder about things.

3.) What's the most sensible thing you have ever heard someone say? In a career full of counselling, advice and thoughts on situations, I have to say that this is really hard to answer. I`m surrounded by sensible things all the time and I often offer my own sensible things to others. So I guess one thing would be the grass may be greener on the other side, but remember, it takes a lot of shit to fertilize a field.

4.) What gets you excited about life? My son's innocence and his wonder at the world. I think of how much he has changed and learned in his almost 2 years and how every new thing is such a wonderful experiment to him. How cool to help him explore and change the world.

5.) What life lesson did you learn the hard way? As I am rapidly approaching my third decade, I wish I would have spent my second decade in a more carefree manner. I have no regrets about how my 20's played out, I just would have liked to have cared less about what others think and let loose. I would have really enjoyed my university years more and not taken them for granted. They did fly by as the years tend to do. I find as I get older, I am getting more carefree and less uptight. I don't want to be looking upon my fourth decade and feeling this way so I intend to make my 30's a really wonderful time in my life.

3 Weeks of the Sickies

2012-01-02T15:47:00.001-08:00

Yes, it is week 3 of somebody in this house being ill...mostly me and the baby. DH has gotten lucky so far, the cheeky bastard (knock wood).

I havent updated in forever. Lets just say I had a full week of my parents and brother visiting us which was awesome and tiring and busy all at once. Then December hit us full on so it was getting ready for the holidays.

Then two weeks before Christmas, Maxim go sick. Then the week after, just before Christmas, I got hit with the worst damn stomach flu I've had in years. I honestly can't remember the last time I was so sick. I was out of work for 2 days (3 days really with the forced day off due to Occupational Health's requirements) followed by one good day, followed by the worst gas and gut pain over the holidays I've ever had in my life. Last week, I still wasnt 100% until about Wednesday...and now I have a nasty chest cold with a terrible cough.

Seriously. Seriously the worst Christmas ever when it comes to this. I so didnt enjoy myself like I normally do.

Upside that isnt really a positive thing: I've lost 10 lbs in 3 weeks due to sickness and lack of appetite.

Home remedies are the best. When Maxim threw up his 5th damn DAY in a ROW (it ended up being 9 days if you are really curious) due to coughing, I called my grandma. I had it up to HERE with cleaning up puke. Seriously, I know I gotta lot of years ahead of me cleaning up barf, but enough was enough after 9 days in a row. Poor baby was so sick, he wanted nothing to do but sit and lay on us. The extra cuddles were awesome but I felt so badly for him.

Anyway so I called my grandma and she gave me my great-grandma's home remedy for chest congestion. Long ago, I learned that grandma's remedies are just awesome. When I was in high school, I was a band trip on a bus. I ate Subway then sat on the floor of the bus with my friends...huge mistake, huge nauseous headache ensued. I threw up on the bus in a bucket next to my band director. At the time I didnt make the association between car sickness and the episode, I thought I was coming down with a bug. We were like 20 minutes from my great-grandma's teeny little town and I asked my band director to drop me off for the night. So this big coach bus pulls up in front of my great-grandma's and out she comes with welcoming arms. She nursed me back to health with a teaspoon of creme de menthe and sugar. Yep, thats it. It sounds really foul but trust me, it soothes an upset tummy very fast. I didnt have real creme de menthe during my latest bout with stomach flu, though I was praying it would magically show up in my cupboard at any time. After some great-grandma love, I was good to go the next day and my great-uncle drove me to my band's destination so I could finish my trip. Ever since I do get headaches in the car from nausea unless I'm driving or in the front seat (even the front seat isnt a guarentee) so I'm usually driving.

So grandma's remedies rock. The remedy we used this time was the mustard pack. The recipe is as follows:

3 tbsp of dried mustard
2 tbsp of white vinegar
2 tbsp of white flour
2 egg whites

Mix it up into a paste and spread on a a piece of old thin cotton fabric (old torn bedsheet or t-shirt for example). It will feel cold to the touch. Place on bare chest and keep there for 10-20 minutes (for a child 5 minutes). Be sure to watch so the skin doesnt burn as the circulation in the chest and the mustard interact to heat it up very quickly. If you are doing this to a child, half the recipe down for a smaller pack and remember it will feel cold to you so you have to watch the chest so it doesnt blister. Remove from the chest when it starts to turn pinkish red.

We did this to Maxim twice and it really helped clear it up.

I'm so hoping we all get well really soon. I'm so tired of having low energy and no motivation and feeling like crap. I'll try to post more frequently and hopefully will get some pics up from our Christmas soon!

18 months

2011-11-16T19:08:00.000-08:00

Sweet Boy,

You are our world. And what an amazing way you make it perfect, special and wonderful everyday.

In the last 3 months you have put on more weight and grew a little taller. I think you're about 25 lbs now. You're wearing 18 months clothes and size four shoes.

You arent talking much yet but you make a lot of noise anyway! You are constantly chattering about and giggling which is super fun. We hope you talk soon.

You are a master at walking and its pretty funny to see you almost run. I'm sure very shortly you will be running and climbing everywhere.

You are so curious about the world. You are starting to show your nurturing side. You love to pet Figaro and give hugs. You also hug your Tigger, your Elmo and your Pierre the Penguin. Pierre is your constant companion, especially at bedtime.

As for eating, you do pretty well most days. Other days, you refuse. Thats ok, we just roll with it around here.

You make maman and papa laugh everyday. Your little spirit is so beautiful.

We call you Boobs, Boobers, Sweet Boy, Beautiful Baby, Maximusisus, Beau Garcon, amongst many others.

You have all your teeth but your bottom canines and your 2 year molars. Pretty sure those fangs are coming soon though.

You constantly have owies and bo-bos, all that running and exploring brings about new bumps along the way. Your favorite toys are your blocks, cars and trucks. You also love music and every night we read a story. Sometimes Papa reads to you in French, other nights Maman reads to you in English. You like to "read" along with us.

You started with some slight tantrums recently. You are quite dramatic already. You yell and bend at the waist if you dont get your way...I'm fairly certain you'll be a body thrower when you get to the full on tantrums.

Many nights when Maman is feeling grateful or if we didnt get a lot of time together before bedtime, I'll sneak in your room, gather you up in my arms and sit with you in the chair, in the dark, gazing at your sweet face as you sleep. I lightly give you kisses on your cheek and stroke your hair, whispering how much I love you. You smile sometimes in your sleep, and Maman feels warm and wonderful inside during these special moments.

Sweet Baby, we adore you through and through. You are our greatest joy, our greatest pride. The love we have and feel for you cannot be described. We are so lucky and blessed.

Desperation

2011-10-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

In and out...

In and out...

In and out...

The door continues to revolve.

The bed fills.

And then empties.

It fills.

Empties.

Haunted eyes and agitation.

Eyes like glass marbles.

Eyes like pins.

Eyes searching for hope.

Eyes reliving years of trauma.

Sullen face, gaunt with years of abuse.

Abuse...both self-inflicted and inflicted upon.

Waiting.

Waiting to live.

Waiting to die.

Waiting for an absolution, that may never come.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-31T12:39:00.000-07:00

Big girl with a big girl job can finally afford big girl hair, hahaha!

Its been this length since April but I can finally color it professionally

Top Ten Baby Items

2011-08-30T19:13:00.000-07:00

I decided to post my top ten cant live without baby items. These are things that worked for me and my household and my son, but may not work as well or be as necessary for others or for my own future children. They arent in any particular order either since I use/used them all quite frequently. I'm also not linking anything to other websites...Google is your friend :)

1. Ad.en + An.ais mu.slin blankets...seriously, the best thing ever. The boy loves these blankies and they are so nice and big. I only have the lightweight single layer blankets but hoping to get some double layer for the next baby. Love them for naps even during the hottest weather because baby still wants a bit of covering and they are so breathable, they are even nice to throw over a stroller or car seat for a bit of sun shade.

2. My breast pump. I started with the Fi.rst Ye.ars MiP.ump and it died after 4 months...it was not a very good pump either so I didnt really miss it but I was pretty upset that I spent the money on it only to have it crap out. Do not recommend this pump at all. I then purchased a Med.ela Swi.ng which is a single electric pump and loved loved loved it. I had a pretty decent output from the first pump but I can only imagine my output in those early months with the Med.ela. Even though I stayed at home for my son's first year, I still feel a breast pump is an essential for the nursing SAH mother though the model or type may depend on your own need. Because I was at home I didnt need a double pump or the really high roller...but I was never good at hand expression and wasnt patient enough for a manual. I used it to pump and freeze a weeks supply for our planned trip when the babe was 7 months old, freeze for dad to feed when I was working my course or on a Saturday, or just to have dad to feed if I was out and about. It was also super useful in keeping my supply up and helping to relieve engorgement in the early days.

3. BabyL.egs. I cant say enough except to say I have a serious problem because my wallet has taken a hit, haha. Baby has 23 pairs and counting...probably....if we ever have a little girl, I am so screwed. He wears them everyday, summer or winter. Especially nice to just pair up with a onesie, makes diaper changes so easy. For winter, it adds a nice layer underneath pants especially useful for little boys who may not have other options for layering. The patterns and colors are super fun and jazz up outfits. My DH also loves them and does not see them as "my boy wearing girly legwarmers" but an essential part of his outfit. I guess its my way of having a really cute accessory for a little boy because they get really screwed compared to little girls when it comes to the accessories.

4. A change table with storage. I bought a high end dresser with a change table attachment to it (basically 4 pieces of wood attached to the top that can be removed) and I love it. I love having all of his diapers, wipes, meds and other baby hygiene products in one place. I have never had an issue with hauling him up the stairs or into his room to change him. Some parents may prefer to just have supplies all over the house for easy changing but that kind of extra clutter would drive me up a tree. Plus when we are done with the diaper stage or outgrow it, it will just look like a normal dresser in his room.

5. A big cushy recliner. The glider looked nice but for the money for a good glider, it seemed to make more sense to spend a little more and get a big cushy lazyboy type recliner/rocker. It is located in his room as well but will probably move it to our basement when we are done with the baby rocking stage. I think the recliner will fit more with our long term needs than the glider. Plus it was so nice...so so nice to have in his room for night time feedings. It was warm and cozy and very comfortable. Many days when he was not such a new baby anymore, I would fall asleep with the baby in my arms and we would snooze there all afternoon. A few nights I fell asleep nursing and would wake up with him still latched on. Much better than a glider in my humble opinion.

6. Swing. We got a used swing off a classified website and it was a huge lifesaver. It allowed us to eat our meals in peace during those early months. He rarely napped in it though, I just never allowed that to become a habit, but he was very content when he was in it. Of all the other big baby toys we have (the exersaucer, bouncer, jumper), I miss the swing the most.

7. Sleep sacks. Love Love Love....so nice, so cozy, and washes well. He has been wearing them from 4 weeks on and will wear them for a long time yet. I'm in favor of the Perlim.pinpin brand found here in Canada. There isnt a huge swath of material on this brand and they are perfect for either long jammies or just a onesie. I bought two from Sea.rs and they were so big and bulky, I hated them. Plus they come in fleece or bamboo cotton or regular cotton. And they arent overly expensive like other brands (I'm looking at you Gro.Bags). I think I may get a few Ad.en sleep sacks for the next one.

8. Baby carrier. I have a soft carrier (the Baby K'T.an) for the early months and the Er.go for the later months. Love them both, DH loved them both too. The K'T.an was so nice and easy to use and the Er.go makes it very comfortable to carry a heavier baby. It was so much easier to use in lieu of carrying him in his car seat (our infant bucket is super heavy just on its own, nevermind adding the baby weight) and really nice for quick trips.

9. Pack n Play....we use our pack n play a lot. We are often at the in-laws or traveling around every which direction so its so nice to have a safe place for the baby to sleep while on the road. He's almost 16 months and we are still using it. He never plays in it though, just for naps and sleep.

10. Sle.ep She.ep. We figured out around 3 months at the height of baby fussy hours that a white noise machine was in order. Hence our purchase of the Slee.p She.ep (we have the On the Go mini verision). Instant relief. Love it for naps and bedtime, he still uses it. Even I find it soothing. We sorely miss it if we forget it at home and its so cute and easy to pack.

15 Months

2011-08-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

Sweet Boy is 15 months and his 15 month is already almost over! How time does fly!

In the last 3 months he has changed so much and he is becoming such a character.

For instance:

His little "crawl" showed up around 12 months and we dubbed it the wounded animal crawl. He would lift his right leg and place it foot down and then drag his left leg behind him to get around. He just refused to use his knees. Oh well, it got him to where he needed to go and he is quite fast. And his right flank must be really strong, lol!

He has gone from 4 teeth to basically having a mouthful including his first year molars. He's missing his fangs yet (not sure what they are technically called right now but anyway) but its crazy...his mouth is just full and its wild how quickly they have sprouted up. His molars were coming through during our hottest week of the summer so the poor boy had a slight fever and dealing with the heat...yucko. He has had his first major illness this summer...a more serious cold than the one he had earlier this spring including a cough, drippy nose and pink eye.

He eats most things but like the typical toddler has days where he pretty much refuses to eat the things he liked two days before. His go to staples if he is acting particularly fussy about food is bananas, raspberries, yogurt, cheese, chicken, oranges, waffles, lasagna, scrambled eggs, and PBJ on an english muffins (or any whole grain bread, no white bread in this house). He drinks about 16 oz of cows milk daily spread out in four bottles. He has mastered the sippy cup so we'll be weaning the bottle by 18 months. Quite honestly the only reason I still give him bottles is so that I know he's getting a good quantity of cows milk a day, especially on days when he isnt too wild about food.

He's taking the pacifer less and less and can go to bed at night without one. The daycare is working on the naps thing. He will be cut off whether he likes it or not by 18 months.

He loves cars, balls, stacking, tearing down, blocks, and reading books. He understands hugs, bye bye, and pretty sure he says num num when eating and is happy with his food. He doesnt have much else for words other than mama and dada.

He took his first independent steps at 14 months and last week at 15 months, he just took off and is full on walking now. He's so cute. Watching him taking those first steps took my breath away and made me tear up. Sure the other milestones are cute and fun but walking...just seemed like such a big deal. Of course now he thinks he can climb stairs, little bugger, and I know he practices climbing the slide at daycare.

He's happy and giggly and full of energy. He almost always has a smile on his face. He sleeps through the night for 12 hours and takes 1-3 hours of naps during the day (sometimes a morning and afternoon, sometimes a long afternoon nap) and generally doesnt fight bedtime or naptime much at all. I just lay him down and he's out.

He's such a good little boy and we are so blessed. He makes us smile all the time and we count our blessings every day!!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-17T19:44:00.001-07:00

Excited for fall!! A waterfall in our town

Big Changes Ahead

2011-08-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

In mid-July I had an interview at our local hospital. I have sent hundreds of resumes over the last 4 years to that brick and glass palace. Its brand new building in town, just opened in January and its HUGE because the mental health and general health joined up to make one big conglomerate. I finally got the interview.

The interview was HARD...they asked real questions, not the fake standard interview questions. I took everything I learned from my failed interviews in the last 6 months (especially the bullshit one I had in June for my agency when I supposedly didnt answer the questions fully) and went to town. I had absolutely no read on the supervisor...the HR lady seemed to like me but the guy who would be boss was flat. If I remember right, based on what I know about the guy, the flat affect wasnt all that surprising but it was still really hard to judge how I was doing in their presence.

So because I have had a rough 6 months in the job department, I walked out feeling ok maybe even good about my performance but not really hopeful...hope has been dashed too many times to count.

Then a week after the interview, I got a call from the the HR woman to ask more questions about provincial registration...great....so I stroked my current program manager`s ego and asked her to fill out some paperwork for me so it could get started and the HR woman said she would get back to me by the end of the week with a decision about it. At this point, it was 50/50 because they were calling so it sounded like I was still in the running but the damn registration could be the deal breaker.

Turns out it wasnt. They called me back last Friday and offered me the job!!!! I'll be working at the residential drug treatment centre as the Concurrent Disorders Outreach Specialist. Basically counselling for people that have mental health and addiction issues. I'm so so so excited!! As for the registration, they have made it a condition of my employment which isnt an issue. Full benefits, pension, sick time, vacation time, and a really awesome starting wage.

Finally...finally...finally...my hard work is paying off and all the frustration, anger and tears are now a memory that will hopefully never return or at least not for a very long time.

Our first goal...to buy a van. It feels so good to actually plan for the future now instead of sitting in limbo. I start September 6th for three days of hospital orientation and then my first day at the centre will be the 9th.

Woo hoooooo!!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-10T19:08:00.000-07:00

Daycare

2011-08-04T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have read tons of posts on daycare...the details, the good, the bad..

I can honestly say that our transition to daycare was so smooth it is utterly boring.

His first day, DH took him in. No tears from anybody, and Sweet Boy immediately loved his teachers. This boy loves everybody, he doesnt have stranger anxiety or separation anxiety which has been a huge help in his arena.

His daycare is a French facility....French staff, French literature and notices, French everything. My DH is fully bilingual but they are super accomodating for this Anglophone mother. I do understand some things in French and can communicate un peu (a little) but I'm happy they are so willing to speak English to me. Some of them are *very* French, which may sound weird but it just means that French is their first language and it is obvious that they sometimes struggle to find the English words. All day long Maxim hears French and it is truly amazing what he understands now in both languages!! Its true when they say babies are sponges, it has never been so apparent as now when he is learning and understanding two languages.

There are currently about 10 babies in his room and 4 staff. Most of the babies are over one year old (Many Canadian mothers get one year of mat leave) but there is one or two that are under one year. He'll stay in the baby room until he is 18 months and then move to the toddler room. For the first few days, he didnt eat much. And his naps were wonky but he still napped. After 3 days, he was back into his old routine. He is always in a good mood and always reported to have good days. So far, no major behavior problems or anything which is so reassuring and nice. At least two days a week they have theme days or organized activities. Tomorrow for example is Halloween Day...so he's supposed to wear a costume. Next week there is Wear Pink or Red Day and Eat Ice Cream day, haha....other days they go to the local early years centre, the YMCA for swimming or the park. They take walks in the stroller once or twice a day.

Other than that, not much is really earth shattering about daycare. The cost is like carrying a second mortgage ferchrissakes which is the truly shitty part of it all. We get two hours in the evening with him before he goes to bed which is precious, plus our weekends.

As for me, I feel like I'm a much better mother and more productive person all around now that Im working again. The morning routine was so easy to get into it felt like we were doing it for forever already. I miss the naps I used to take when we were home and there are times when I wish we had the freedom like we did before, but then I also know that it wasnt always a good thing too. Because I know that its good for me and good for him and that he has done well so far, I feel zero guilt about the choice to work and send him to daycare everyday. He loves going and his face lights up every afternoon when we pick him up. As a family we have become healthier all around in the last month and that is truly priceless.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-03T15:14:00.001-07:00

A Brief Update

2011-07-28T20:08:00.000-07:00

My computer went to hell on me...well its been on its way and traveling through the circles of hell for awhile now. It reached the 9th this week and I put my foot down. So yay for a new laptop!

We really dont torture our poor baby by forcing him into the lake as may be evidenced by the previous Wordless Wednesday. The last two weekends have been super hot and the lake now feels like a pool so he is loving it. He still prefers his baby pool but thats because the small waves sort of make him uncertain. He LOVES floating in his blow up elephant though, laughs galore. And he gets such a kick out of DH diving under water and coming up on the other side, splashing and such.

3 weeks back to work now and its still meh. I just go. Its a very impersonal sort of existence. I mostly hang in my office and only talk to people (except my friends) if necessary and usually by email.

My fat cat will not leave me alone tonight. Ugh he is so needy!!

My pants dont fit and this is a problem. I have been limiting my food intake and making healthy choices for the last 3 weeks and havent budged. This is highly annoying...it makes me want to just eat cookies to justify my lack of success.

Im so sick of the political bullshit coming from the US. My god, my country sucks lately. Seriously folks, get your shit together, its embarrassing. Repub, Dem, Green, Purple, Black, White...whatever you want to call yourself its still your fault...its all of your fault.

Speaking of the US, I'm awaiting my US return...still...wtf...

Our house is an epic filthy disaster...I cant wait for summer to be over so we can be here for more than 5 days at a time and I can get shit done. I can keep it picked up but to actually deep clean it...not happening. For the record, it wasnt happening before I went to work either.

Its hot...damn hot. Im over this little heat wave. In a house with no A/C, we are not sleeping well at all. Bring on the fall.

Im working on finishing up two online courses. Glad it will be over, but glad I did them. It was nice to do it in the online format. Hopefully it will help me later in life. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Snakeskin shoes are fabulous. They get lots of attention.

My baby is a vacation this week with his grandparents. We are starting to miss him but we get to see him tomorrow and take him home with us on Sunday!

He's thisclose to walking...he took 3 little steps last week. Come on big boy, you can do it!

I have 5 books on the horn...I love camp in the summer, and reading for hours on end while the baby naps or plays with his dad in the lake.

Time for bed...once this summer business slows down, I hope to update more regularly. Still have to write about daycare and such and other things that have come to mind.

I still lurk and read your blogs even though I havent updated mine! Keep posting!!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-07-13T16:46:00.000-07:00

First time in the lake

Not sure about this, Papa

And done!

Working Maman

2011-07-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

I have a new role yet again....that of the working maman.

Its not ideal but it is a paycheck for now, and godwilling, something else will come up very very soon.

When I got offered my current contract, my DH called our first choice for daycare and they had a spot for us. So off the wait list we went into active status. We had 2 quick 30 minute visits for Sweet Boy to meet the staff and for us to complete the paper work. He started last Wednesday.

This boy loves people. Loves them. He has zero separation anxiety and stranger anxiety. He was immediately comfortable with the workers.

His first day was last Wednesday and DH took him in (the other bonus...the daycare is literally a 2 minute walk from DH's work...he can see it from his window). I got out of bed to help get him dressed and fed. Off they went at quarter to 8 and there were no tears or drama from any of us. I went back to bed and went about my day. I called at noon to check in and he was doing great! Apparently for the first 3 days last week, he had some wonky naps and didnt each much but was in good spirits and played nicely and all that jazz. I had 3 days to sort of prep for work...go shopping for work clothes which I had not done since before getting pregnant and get some things organized here at home.

I started work on yesterday and so far so good. I'm loving being back at work with adults and having that interaction and challenge. Its not hard for me to go to work or take him to daycare. I had a few people offer their condolences to me about daycare and I really just didnt get it at all. I can understand if he was a really young baby or if I was really dreading going back to work but I was happy for this new change. I was blessed to have more than a year with him at home but being at home isnt for me for the long term. I know a lot of moms love staying at home and may not understand my feelings but I think there are many other moms who perhaps DO feel the way I do about staying at home and dont say it because they dont want to be viewed as a bad parent. I know I only tell a few trusted people that I much prefer to be working. I also know and have known for years that with the lifestyle and our personal finance situation that even if I wanted to stay at home, it just isnt what suits our family which makes this a very peaceful decision.

I also feel very confident in the facility and the workers. It is a beautiful set-up and very well organized and will easily transition him through into the school years as well. Plus its French so he will be getting his French language skills every day in addition to the words and phrases DH and his family teach him. Its already so crazy how much French he understands. Plus he is getting back on track with his appetite and nap patterns and today the worker commented that he doesnt seem to miss us or wonder where we are. He just seems to know that we'll be coming back for him and he lights up like crazy when he does see us.

I also feel like I'm way more motivated and organized to keep my house in order and maximize the time we have as a family. That feels good for me because we living in less chaos right now than before. Its quite nice.

Overall, this has been a very necessary and very good move for me and our family. So far no ill side effects other than our cat is more needy again because he's alone during the day, haha!

Wordless Wednesday-Weaned

2011-07-06T08:21:00.001-07:00

Last nursing session, 13 months 9 days

Off the Planet...

2011-07-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

I took a self-imposed hiatus after I did not get the latest job that SHOULD be mine...its a long story but its a mess for sure and I've been majorly fucked over. I'm bitter, angry and resigned. Oh the ranting, raving and colorful language you would have heard if you had been a bug on my wall in the last 3 weeks.

So I tried to get off the planet last week...

That sounds really grim but in fact it was not at all what that may imply.

Basically I came home two weeks ago from the cottage, after hearing about the job results, and hating my house, the environment, the hopelessness. It was literally making me sick to my stomach where I would spend every morning on the toilet (sorry for the TMI). Not a good way to try to keep my happy child happy. If not for my motherly duties, I doubt I would have gotten out of bed. As it was, I barely got dressed and showered. Good thing babies dont care if you dont wear clothes for a few days.

Oh and DH was ignoring me and the baby too. That felt great. Not only did I feel very alone within my own depressed mind, but I didnt even have him here mentally. We werent even mad at each other. So he was here but really wasnt.

So it was a real party around here.

About checking off the planet...basically I decided I would take the baby and go to the cottage for a week. So by checking out, I had no internet or network (no smart phone for me) so no way to stay in contact with anybody except my DH. I ignored all other texts and phone calls. So we texted back and forth every night trying to work out our shit and he would only send me important messages from my emails (job interview related stuff). To say it was nice would be an understatement...it was heaven.

We are far too overly connected or plugged in. One of the reasons I dont have a smart phone is because I dont want to be that plugged in. When you unplug from the world, you realize how hooked in you are and how much you really dont need it. It was a very nice break to just be. I got loads of sun, slept in every day (yay for my MIL taking care of the baby), read 4 books, drank with my BIL's and in general forgot about all my cares or worries.

Now that I'm back, things are somewhat improved. I'm going to work on Monday but its only a contract. Its a paycheck and thats it. I hate them with every inch of myself but I refuse to let utter incompetence break my spirit. Besides, it will make them sweat to see me every day which will be rather enjoyable in a sadistic sort of way. Oh and I have another interview next week too for a place I have been dying to get into for a few years now. DH and I are in good spirits again and my bowels are back to normal...go colon go! Im kinda hoping that whole you dont get handed more than you can handle shit comes true soon because I'm at my limit here...you listening universe?! I'm over it.

So thats that. Will post pics for Wordless Wednesday, Sweet Boy's transition to daycare (he starts tomorrow) and other such things.

Here's a few pics anyway...he makes me smile everyday!

Everybody loves the drummer

First time in the lake...not a fan this year

Kicked back in the pool..this is much more my style

"Get off my lawn!!"

Wordless Wednesday-I Want to Break Shit

2011-06-15T12:26:00.001-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-08T08:57:00.000-07:00

Clearly the yoga mat is helping Figaro reach his fitness goals

I might steal his method

Red Shoes

2011-06-07T11:34:00.000-07:00

I happen to think that most women should own at least one pair of rockin red shoes. To me, red shoes ooze sexiness, power and confidence. They can make most outfits look instantly interesting and fabulous, especially black and white clothes. I have 4 pairs of red shoes...a pair of red, cheap foam Old Navy flip flops, a pair of red ballet flats, a pair of really high heeled peep toes that are sexy as hell but difficult to wear and my favorite pumps and ultimately what I think of when I think of a sexy red shoe....

The ring bearer and I...he really liked my shoes cuz they were shiny like his!

Me and Ju rockin our red shoes in the Bahamas

I bought these red shoes for my BIL and SIL's wedding because my dress was black and white striped and I insisted upon finding red accessories to complete the look. I searched high and low for these red shoes and finally, Al.do became my new favorite shoe store. Since then, these shoes have been my favorite item in my closet and they are treated like glass...they dont even mix with my other shoes in my shoe closet because I dont want them to get ruined. I wore them in January in the Bahamas....

Posing before the wedding

And for a late night wobbly-pop enhanced walk on the beach...

And I wear them at work often as well. I wore them to court. I get tons of comments on them all the time. They dress up jeans, they are fun to dance in and they work with my formal dresses. Unlike my peep toes, my first foray into sexy red shoes, they are also very comfortable and easy to walk in.

I have made a practice of wearing red for job interviews. Red is my favorite color and I look good in it. Wearing red makes me feel confident. I generally wear a red shirt under my suit jacket. Interestingly, wearing red seems to make me feel like my interview has gone well...my other interviews when I do not wear red do not go as well. All coincidental of course, but interesting thought on how we are dressed changes our inner perception of ourselves. I do not however wear red lipstick. Red lipstick is a whole other level of attention. For red lipstick to be even remotely possible, one must choose the right tone for their skin and their hair, other makeup and clothing must be impeccable. Especially the rest of the face and hair because so much attention is drawn to to your face with red lipstick. I do however intend to find the right shade of red lipstick at some point and eventually will figure out how to tame my hair to make red lipstick work...anyway, I digress.

I have a job interview today and I intend to wear red. I will probably not wear my trusty red pumps but likely a red shirt under my suit jacket. Or hell, maybe I will wear my red shoes anyway. We'll see. At any rate, its a "red shoe day" as I've come to call them. A day when attitude, grace and confidence is felt and when personal power is symbolized through red shoes. Even if I decide to leave them in on the shelf in my closet, I will walk in there and act how a woman feels when wearing red shoes...with attitude, confidence and grace.

Oh and if I get this job...I'm gonna treat myself, be frivolous and find a pair of faux snake skin pumps like my blogger friend Alyssa found...now those are power shoes!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-25T05:37:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-18T18:19:00.000-07:00

New friend-Birth Day 2010

Still friends-1st Birthday 2011

This penguin is very special...he has several penguins, all with their own special meaning. This particular penguin was purchased by me when I was 37 weeks pregnant and anxiously awaiting his birth. I brought it with to the hospital and it was my focal point and comfort during labor. I slept with it in my arms every night until he was born, it symbolized my new baby I was desperate to hold and brought me peace and hope.

Sweet Boy is a Big Boy

2011-05-17T05:14:00.001-07:00

He's yelling at me from his high chair, mouth stuffed full of Eggo.

Feed meeeeeeee.....

Last year, we were trying to fix his latch. He was still yelling at me, just in that sweet newborn cry, not the high pitched banshee sounds he makes now.

Sweet Boy is eating breakfast now. He nurses once a day in the morning and to be honest, I could stop at any time and I dont think he would care much. He's also refusing any veggies, the little stinker. I've tried telling him he cant live on PB and J English muffins, puffs and yogurt...but he refuses to see reason.

At any rate, his birthday was very good. On his actual birthday, I was alone with him much of the day. He got to take his morning nap in my arms. Then we played outside in the grass with his bubble maker, it was such a lovely day. When he woke up from his afternoon nap, I sang him Hap.py Birt.hday and started crying. It was a happy cry, like last year when he was born. DH came home from work and we gave him his cake...homemade chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. He wasnt so much of a fan of the taste but he played with it and made a big mess. We had a party on Saturday with DH's family and a few of my friends. My parents Sky.ped in too which was cool. Low key, lots of food and beer, and baby boy opening his presents. We didnt try to give him cake again, but tried some vanilla ice cream. He spit that out too...it was either too cold or not enough flavor, haha. It was a nice quiet get together...the big birthdays with goody bags, kool-aid stained floors, and tons of rug-rats running under foot..those can wait until he starts school.

Lets see what else....oh yes, he can push his play table across the room now. He loves that thing, he stands at it and bounces up and down dancing. He claps his hands on demand and also high fives. He's got quite the sense of humor and now tries to "tickle" me so I'll start tickling him. Mostly this is just stiffening his body, smiling really big, and grabbing my chest, similar to what he does when I tickle him. This usually happens when Im trying to get him down for a nap or bed time. He now has 6 teeth with two of top teeth popping through. He's also going to bed and sleeping through the night which is oh so nice. He doesnt move forward or backward on his butt but he turns himself in circles to get around. Its too funny...he launches his toys and then turns in circles until he gets to them. He loves books and reading. And he loves music too, oh this boy loves music.

The year has gone fast...and slow at times too. We cherished every moment. Its true though that time really flies and things change so much. I cant wait to see what this year brings for us. We are blessed.

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy!

2011-05-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

Our sweet boy is 1 year old. He's 1!!!

I cried singing him Happy Birthday today. That was both expected and unexpected. Expected because I'm such a sap and unexpected in that it is just one example of the depth and range of emotions I have felt today.

He makes me swell up with pride and joy and happiness.

So much has changed in a year. In him, me, DH and our family.

We love him dearly.

I guess I dont have the words right now to describe his birthday and how we celebrated. I cant put all his milestones into words. I'm all ferklempt.

This boy. He makes our hearts sing.

This boy. Loves us unconditionally.

This boy. Has changed our lives.

This boy. Amazes me.

This boy. Has the most beautiful soul.

This boy. Calls me maman.

And for this boy, I am humbled and grateful.

Avoidance-Avoidance Conflict

2011-05-06T07:38:00.000-07:00

Some smart psych guy figured out that humans have three types of conflict that create stress...approach-approach conflict, avoidance-avoidance conflict and approach-avoidance conflict. Approach-approach is the most desirable type of conflict to have because no matter your ultimate decision, the outcome will be positive. Approach-avoidance conflict is likely the most common type of conflict we face and its the weighing of the pros and cons of our decisions for each direction has its positives and negatives. And then there is avoidance-avoidance conflict which is the rock and the hard place, the most stressful sort of conflict in which there is no desirable outcome to be found.

Unemployment, job hunting, moving, and the decisions that come with it in my particular situation is mostly avoidance-avoidance. None of the decisions have a positive outcome right now, other than the ultimate goal of getting employment.

I have a BA in Psych and and MA in Psych. In the US, these are respectable degrees that get jobs in mental health and addictions without too much fuss. Generally, a graduate degree is necessary if one wants to make more than $20 an hour though. Yes there is an exam and licensure to be done in most states but this isnt unattainable by any means and there are plenty of entry level jobs where the appropriate supervision and steps towards licensure are found. Before moving to Canada, I did some basic research and found that the requirements for professional work are not that different and that my degree would be useful here as well. Of course, when I went to school and decided on my program I was looking at my future in the US, not anywhere else. I know that my degree is making my fellow grads very successful in the US in their chosen areas of work.

In Ontario, the Social Work degree is stroked lovingly and most jobs in mental health are looking for a BSW or MSW degree. Social workers manipulate the system, moving people, advocating, case management. At least that is their training. However, in Ontario at least, they have evolved into counsellors that offer services beyond their scope. I have way more experience and actual training in mental health, addictions and appropriate therapy techniques than brand-new BSW grads and yet I'm being passed up because I have the wrong letters. To register with my MA in the SW college requires me to have supervision under a social worker and "competence in core areas of social work." To register my MA in the psych college, I need to have supervision under a psychologist and then I'll be autonomous but this takes several years. Both of these options mean I need a job under said social worker or psychologist....see the problem? Cant get registered without a job, cant get a job without registration.

So what does one do with 2 degrees, 6 years of schooling, several years experience and 100k in debt? Here are my options...any thoughts you may have are appreciated.

1. Get registered with the SW college one of two ways...try to find the one job that doesnt require registration right away (virtually impossible because BSW or MSW grads can walk out of school and get registered whereas I have to do all this extra garbage to prove my "competence") and work under a social worker to get registered. This may not work either, I've known a person that tried to go this route and was still denied registration despite working in social work for many years. Getting registered with the psych college is useless at this point...MA candidates will be phased out of getting registered in that college and only doctoral candidates will be registered.

2. Go back to school to get the "right" letters (a BSW) and then get registered. This burns my ass to no end. I cant afford it in time or money and it just really pisses me off that I even have to do this when its the SAME thing (and I have more, thankyouverymuch). I am in major anger mode when I even entertain this idea. It would likely take me 1-2 years to do it hopefully I would be able to transfer a number of my credits...but its the principle of it all. I do not need another series of letters behind my name, the ones I have should be more than good enough. The only way I would consider going back to school is for a doctorate in psych but thats even more time and money and still not certain it would work out to anything.

3. Change my career path completely. This makes me all sorts of angry and sad and depressed. I am very good at my work, it is my passion and I've worked so hard. I also feel that I havent been able to get really established in a long-term position in the field so to throw in the towel now is just frustrating. I have NO IDEA what other career I would even want to do or what I would be good at doing. It is unbelievably scary to even entertain this option. I'm not ready and I dont think I ever will be...but the longer I'm on the outs, the harder it will be to get back.

At this point we are also being forced to move which DH has been fighting for awhile. He's finally come to the realization that we need to move for both of us to be working. My DH is trained in computers and education and he's bilingual...he's golden no matter where we go in the province. Its me that is slowing us down and our town is just not working anymore. We dont want to move...we've been in our home for only two years, we'll take a big hit when we sell. Hopefully by moving and getting us both working, this will be a temporary financial blip. We have an awesome circle of friends here, finally after 4 years I feel like I fit in up here. DH's family is a mere 90 minutes away and we spend a great deal of our time with them. Its scary to think about moving but its scarier to think about what could happen to me, us, our home, our finances and our marriage if something doesnt change soon.

Oh and here is a sobering statistic that CBC The National reported the other night....the unemployment rate for immigrants in Canada is 14%, double the national average. Boy that really gets me all giddy and hopeful inside....

Next...The Fight (for real this time)....

Weaning

2011-05-05T07:14:00.000-07:00

Weaning....we are in it at full speed right now.

Since Sweet Boy's weight stalled right around 9 months, after wrangling with the doc who knows nothing about BFing, we decided to introduce cows milk around 10.5 months. There is tons of advice out there about solids and BFing. It seems ambiguous and cookie-cutter and I finally just stopped reading and started looking at him. He didnt take to solids at the 6 month mark, it was more like 8 months. He didnt want to do BLW like I planned so we did a mix of purees and table foods and he went to full on table food by 11 months. He seems like a bottomless pit some days when it comes to eating. It stopped making sense to keep boosting my milk supply when it was clearly dropping off naturally due to him wanting to nurse less and eat more. I get that 90% of his nutrition for the first year should come from breast milk and I did everything right about offering the breast first before food, etc etc. It just was much harder after 10 months to keep going against what he wanted and what was frustrating to me. He took to the cows milk really well and at first, I replaced one nursing session with cows milk. Its progressed now to where he is nursing at wake up and at bed time. He night weaned himself about 3 weeks ago which Im relieved because I didnt really want to fight that battle. I wasnt really going to push night weaning until after his birthday but I'm glad he did it on his own. As a result of cows milk and a hearty appetite for food, he's gained 2 lbs. He's still hanging around 17 lbs which is a bit small for his age but I'm not concerned at this point. The boy loves to eat and he eats everything we put in front of him. I will never blame BFing for his weight stall though, I think he's totally normal, he was just really ready for more.

Weaning has its mix of emotions of course. I realize the importance and benefits of extended breast feeding into the toddler years. I give mad props to those moms who continue to nurse toddlers. As my baby approaches toddler status though, I find myself getting impatient with nursing. He has bitten me a few times which I've been able to tolerate well despite the intense pain. However now he's just leaving deep teeth marks when nursing, not intentionally biting, and nursing has become uncomfortable as a result. He isnt much of a comfort nursling either. I'm ready to have my body to myself again before I get pregnant and start the cycle over. Hard core breast feeders dont believe that is a valid reason to wean but I think a mother's feelings matter just as much as the child's and if it clouds my nursing relationship, its time to move forward. I have finally been able to wear regular bras during the day again which makes me happy and confident in my appearance again. Nursing bras do absolutely nothing for a woman's figure and I'm glad to be throwing mine away soon. I have said recently that I will start at 12 months and hopefully by 18 months he'll have weaned on his own completely. I think it will be much faster than 18 months though considering we're already down to two nursing sessions right now.

And yet part of me knows I will miss it. I already miss it, each nursing session seems to be a small little goodbye to his baby years. Its a sign of the next step, the next period in his life. I'm not sure if I'm ready to have a toddler though I dont have a choice. I have cherished 99% of our nursing moments together and I'm proud of both of us for sticking it out. I know that when I'm older and grayer in 18-25 years and watching him graduate high school, go to university, get married...that I'll be thinking of these days. It already makes me sad to know that he wont fit in my lap forever and that he doesnt even want to sit with me for very long now. Staying at home has made me miserable many days, but it has also enabled me to reach my 1 year goal of breast feeding without the hassle that working moms have and for that I'm grateful.

So here is to the next step. Kicking and screaming into the toddler years. I dont feel guilty for this decision to parent-led wean, just nostalgic and weepy. I suppose this is just normal as my baby approaches his first birthday on the 11th. He'll be enrolling in college on the 12th.

Day 13-A Song That Is Your Guilty Pleasure...

2011-05-05T06:05:00.001-07:00

This song makes me crank up the radio, sing as loudly and badly as possible and dance like a complete moron. It makes me feel sexy, to the point where I should have a pole at hand and some slutty clothes because I feel like a whore and shake my ass when I hear this song. One of my friend's says the same thing...it brings out her inner slut kitten. I love it so much and its a recent pop tune by Rihanna. I should say now that I have a huge girl-crush on Rihanna. She has an amazing set of pipes, her music is fun and infectious and she is incredibly sexy. I give her mad props for handling her personal life with grace and strength as well. When she performs on awards shows, I must watch. Her vocal strength is really at the forefront of this song. And the video is fun...though I feel like I should drop acid before watching it, I like that its not choreographed and that she dances awkwardly and seduces the camera awkwardly (well as awkward as she'll ever get) at times...like a real woman instead of a polished dancer. Just a fun song all around and who doesnt like to feel like the only girl in the world who know how to make their men feel like men?

Rihanna-"Only Girl (In the World)"

Day 12-A Song From A Band You Hate

2011-05-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

I generally hate very few bands but I usually dislike manufactured pop stars that are so auto-tuned even I could sound good if I looked that good. I also tend to dislike female artists that are more about selling sex than about writing or singing music that matters. Hey sex has its time and place and I'm not completely against it...I have a few guilty pleasures in music. Anyway, I hate Taylor Swift and Ke$ha...Taylor Swift is incredibly over-rated in my opinion and has way too many accolades for her youth. There are women in country (and pop) music much more deserving. Listening to her sing live vs. on the radio are totally different. She was brutal, absolutely brutal at the Grammys, when she sang with Stevie Nicks. I hear she has an entertaining concert but I'll pass. Her music is rather mediocre at best, mostly sappy teeny bopper songs about puppy love and teenage concerns...all well and fine but she's quickly approaching an age where her music needs to grow up a bit. It pains me to say that I actually like her most recent single "Back to December." I only like it enough to say I like the lyrics and the tune...if it was another singer, I would LOVE it. It is more grown up, compared to her earlier tunes. So I'll post that one because its the most tolerable. I hate Ke$ha because she is everything wrong with the music business these days....auto-tuned, glitter covered, dirty, cracked out trash. I get that she's meant to be a keg party music sort of star and not really to be taken seriously but I cant even stand her enough to dance mindlessly to her music. Yes I have strong opinions, haha. I wont even bother posting one of her videos, but that "We R Who We R" makes me want to stick knives into my ears.

Taylor Swift "Back to December"

Day 11-A Song From Your Favorite Band

2011-05-03T16:37:00.000-07:00

Well I already said that DMB is my favorite band but I have lots of other favorite bands too. DH introduced me to Our Lady Peace a few years back and its been a wonderful love affair ever since. We saw OLP together twice in concert. The second concert I was 37 weeks pregnant so it was Sweet Boy's first rock concert, hehe. They have tons of great songs but after hearing this song live twice and getting chills both times, I love "Naveed." It was their first single waaay back when they were young bucks in their 20's and new in the biz. Its so raw and Raine Maida's voice is like no other. Oh and Raine is gorgeous too and has aged very very well (he's in his 40's now). The best part of the second concert I went to was that Raine came out into the audience, climbing over the seats and stopped right in front of us and our friends...he was literally 5 feet away (I was on the end but he was right in front of DH and his buddy). I'm not a celebri-freak but heaven help me if I didnt get giddy and lose my breath in those few moments as he sang in front of us. It would only be matched if Dave ever got that close but Raine...oh Raine...

A photo of mine from the first concert we attended...its an amazing shot because of the lighting and the shadows and the fact that I was trying to shoot it from several hundred feet behind hundreds of other people. This was taken while they were playing "Naveed." Amazing.

Our Lady Peace-"Naveed"

3 Questions....

2011-05-03T07:13:00.001-07:00

In my opinion, polite conversation doesnt involve and refined folk dont ask these three questions of a woman...

Her age.

Her marital status and if it will change any time soon.

The state of her uterus.

If any of the above questions come up, I think a refined woman should be able to temporarily lose a few notches in her finishing and tell the questioner..

Go Fuck Yourself.

First, lets talk about age. Well lets not, that just goes without saying.

Second, the marital status question. Thankfully I didnt get this much when I was single, but I have 2 single friends who get it all the damn time. Seriously, I know that they would like to be in relationships and/or married but no amount of prompting and nosy questions from everybody else will make them suddenly have relationships.

Finally, the womb question. Easily the most invasive and personal question on many levels. One it is an inquiry into a couple's sex life and that is just way more than I want to reveal or know about someone else. Two it may be a very painful question for couples having difficulty with trying to conceive, driving the knife of heartache in further. Three, it just opens up the questioner to then invoke their personal opinions and experience on child-rearing and spacing. We got this question a lot immediately following our wedding, like many newlyweds, and now we're getting it again as Sweet Boy approaches his first birthday.

"Time for another one." (Whose clock are you watching? Cuz it sure aint mine)

"Its easier when they are both still in diapers. Then you dont get out of the habit of dealing with diapers" (Easier? Pourquoi? In your humble opinion perhaps, but in mine, paying .40 cents per diaper is not easy on my wallet (in Canada...in the US they are roughly .23 cents which is why I stock up in the States when possible) and is already a nightmare, why would I want to be doing double if I can try to avoid it? Of course I'm flexible enough to understand that potty training my first child will not happen before second baby so come what may. Further to that, when I signed up for this mommyhood biznass, I resigned myself to 6-8 years of diaper changing so there is no chance of the habit being dropped anytime soon).

"Its easier to deal with the sleepless nights." (Ok I sort of can get on board with this, its one reason I am keeping the spacing somewhat close together...so I dont forget the sleepless nights with a newborn. However, quite honestly, I think STTN is a complete myth. After dealing with teething, sickness, messed up routines due to traveling, thinking we've developed a good pattern of sleep and then wham! STTN is no pony I'm going to jump on and ride any time soon. FTR, Sweet Boy has been STTN for 3 weeks now and is completely night weaned on his own. Going back to night nursing wont happen but STTN...that ball will drop again Im sure. Again, sleeplessness is par for the course for the next 6-8 years.

"They'll be the best of friends growing up." Whatever...they could also be mini terrorists towards each other too. No amount of planning for close spacing or not will ensure that my children will be loving, shiny little cherubs and love and respect each other so much their little halos will gleam daily. In fact, I think their halos will be tarnished and crooked at times and thank god for it...it will make things much more interesting around here. Plus they'll fit in better with their crazy mother and father.

Anyway, Im already trying to field this question as politely as possible now that its upon us once again. So well meaning nosy aunties, grannies, other moms, complete strangers...the status of my uterus is not up for analysis.

Day 10-A Song That Makes You Fall Asleep

2011-05-02T17:33:00.000-07:00

This one was hard, since I dont listen to music in bed or to help myself fall asleep. It gets me too wired and gets my mind running which is the opposite effect one wants when they need to rest. But jazz or classical piano are always good choices if one wants to rest the mind and body so I chose this one. Its a standard thats been around since 1935. Classic, never out of style, and pure talent.

Duke Ellington and John Coltrane-"In A Sentimental Mood

Day 9-A Song That Makes You Dance

2011-04-28T07:57:00.001-07:00

So many songs make me dance. Music is meant for dancing, whether its a slow lovely waltz, a fast two-step, a head banger or a hip shaker. The joy of music is expressed in dancing. And I cant pick one so I'll pick three...I could go on and on and on....

The first is a very popular drinking song in Canada from a very obscure band. Its their only hit and I never heard it south of the border living in the States. It always gets me going, its just a fun-spirited tune. The first time I heard it was at a party with my DH's friends and I felt like I belonged with them. This is a fleeting feeling with this particular group of friends so I enjoy it when it happens.

Spirit of the West-Home For a Rest

A more recent one is by Santana and Chad Kroeger. I love Santana, he's so talented. It reminds me of hot summer nights, seduction, sweat, feeling carefree, parties and sex.

Santana f. Chad Kroeger

Finally for something completely different. This is a very country song. It reminds me of my roots, growing up the Midwest. Of wheat fields and wide open, clean skies. Where every grandma, auntie and mom taught their boys how to dance the two-step at the small town weddings, barn dances and in their living rooms. The small-town boys know how to dance, how to treat a lady on the dance floor. When my dad taught my 10 year old self to two-step at my cousin's country wedding. I danced to this song with my grandfather at my wedding who is a mean two-stepper.

Alabama-Mountain Music

Day 8-A Song You Know All The Words

2011-04-27T06:43:00.000-07:00

I have a black and white sketch recreation of this picture I picked up in a hole-in-the-wall store on Mackinac Island. Its hanging in my music room next to another black and white sketch of The Beatles and a color sketch Dave Matthews. It was hard to choose the sketches because they were amongst a whole whack of other sketches of artists including Jon Bon Jovi, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Garth Brooks. The three I chose sort of display the essence of these particular artists as opposed to the others where they were album covers or less than accurate depictions (caricatures) of the artists.

Anyway, one song I know all the words to is "The Best Is Yet To Come" by Frank Sinatra. I listened to a ton of jazz, big band and Frank Sinatra in university. My mother thought I was completely nuts, a 21 year old singing Frank. So I have a closet obsession with all things Frank. Here he is, accompanied by another master Count Basie. Fun facts, it was the last song Frank sang live way back in 1995 and its the epitaph on his tombstone.

Frank Sinatra-"The Best Is Yet To Come"

The Bubble...

2011-04-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

Picture it....

Easter Dinner. 12 adults, one infant all seated at a table full of wonderful food. The turkey cooked lovingly by auntie, gravy steaming. The lasagna catered in by a local Italian restaurant. At this point you may be asking turkey and lasagna?! Where the hell are the mashed potatoes? Yes...its a wonder to us all. I dont ask questions anymore and resistance is futile. Caesar salad, dinner rolls and wine. A very Canadian Easter dinner.

BIL- with humor and half-seriousness, "How did I get stuck in this spot? (next to baby). Me-"His dad should be sitting there (with an eye roll directed at DH). DH-"Should I move?" BIL-"Its ok, we can bond.

Great Grand maman #1-"Baby gets to eat with us too. Hopefully he gets small bites, we dont want him to choke. Is it ok for him to have lasagna?" (Thanks for the passive aggressiveness Mamere).

Great Grand maman #2 (in a very thick French accent) "He's so cute. Look at him" (him said with emphasis as if he's the only person in the room)

Baby has been seated at the table for over 5 minutes already, nibbling on a buttered dinner roll. He's happy and quiet. Then the the other food starts making its way to the table and the buttered dinner roll is discarded like an old pair of socks.

Baby smells the lasagna and starts screaming...screaaaaaaaaaming like he's being tortured. Because waiting even 2 minutes to get served is torture. Because he doesnt understand that steam rolling off the food means its too hot for his little mouth. Because he can see the food and smell it and oh he's never even had lasagna or turkey and gravy but damnit, he will not be satisfied with a dinner roll, no matter how heavily it is buttered.

Great Grand Maman #1-"Oh he's hungry! Feed him!!" (like we're storming the beaches of Normandy, her command resonates across the table)

MIL-"He is with us at the table!! How exciting" (this has been repeated ad nauseam for months now since he's started to eat food so my only response is no shit and an eye roll)

Finally the lasagna gets to his end of the table and baby's mother stupidly thinks she can share a piece with the baby. But once baby gets his first bite, its clear he's turning into a ravenous lasagna banshee. Oh and its still hot but mother thinks she can eat some of her food a bit, blow on baby's food and baby will stop the endless banshee screaming between bites. Not so, screams the most impatient baby ever.

Me-"DH, get me my own piece of lasagna please. DH-he needs at least 5 instructions to complete one task "Where, what how..." Me- frustrated with the screaming baby, annoyed at the grandma's and starting to get angry at how I cant eat even one bite of my own salad, lest the banshee let out another yowl for food that is just too hot still "Just put a piece of another plate, damnit, the baby is going to eat this entire piece on his own"

Baby gets a bite that is too hot and lets out a squawk rivaling an angry crow, starts crying profusely. He's pissed.

Me-"Damnit. Its still too hot for you, its too hot. I'm sorry honey." Baby-Screaming and now crying, but mostly screaming because he wants to eat again but has no concept of too hot. DH-"Geez, its still steaming. Me-really annoyed and nerves are on their last thread "I didnt take from my new piece dear." Grand maman #1-"Oh no, you burnt his mouth. Give him the dinner roll." DH-"His piece is still steaming too." MIL-"He just wont stop screaming until he gets fed...ahahaaaa, thats so cute." Me-Loud sigh, eye roll , biting tongue and teeth grinding. In head---Piss off all of you. You try to feed him and keep him happy, putting your own meal on hold. I cant help it that he's screaming, you try reasoning with an 11 month old. And if you all dont shut the hell up, I'm going to shove this baby spoon, complete with a steaming piece of too hot lasagna, up your asses. Where the fuck is the wine?

MIL-"Here is the cake. Maxim gets a piece of cake." Me-bewildered because she knows how we feel about sweets (no sweets before first birthday) and forcefully from the frayed nerves "No Maxim will not be getting cake." DH-nervous laugh to break the tension. BIL- genuinely, "Why not?" Me-Explain without getting defensive our reasons for not allowing sweets right now and limiting sweets in the future.

One glass of wine isnt enough...where is the bottle?

And so, that was our Easter dinner.

I just described a version of what I call the Bubble. Its a place all moms probably find themselves at one point or another or perhaps the entire time they are trying to raise their kids. Its a place where first time moms especially toil under scrutiny. Where everybody stares and makes comments like mom and baby are zoo attractions. Where people try to be "helpful" with their advice and comments and passive-aggressive suggestions. All the while putting pressure on mom to perform, be perfect or at least look competent in the eyes of those that feel they would do differently and therefore better.

I havent been a mother for even a year and I cannot stand or tolerate this aspect of motherhood. Other moms will say "just get used to it." Well why the hell should we? When there is already so much pressure from within ourselves to raise our kids by our standards, why must we live under the bubble of raising our kids by another's standards? Especially by those that already raised their children (an older generation from a different time) or those without children. Dont get me wrong, when asked, a little advice can go a long way. From the right people or with the right suggestion, it can be priceless. Most things can be listened to and discarded. But the Bubble is different...its the under the microscope scrutiny picking apart on display zoo animal feeling. Its highly stressful for everybody, especially mom and baby.

Ugh....20+ more years of the bubble...or maybe the bubble goes away when you have more than one kid? Pushing out another baby means you've reached the level of competent parent? Hell if I know, I have a few more years before baby #2 comes along to test this theory. In the mean time...

Pass the wine.

Day 7-A Song That Reminds You of an Event

2011-04-26T05:02:00.000-07:00

For many people, music creates memories associated with an event. A particular song you hear at a school dance, wedding processionals, summer nights by a camp fire, funerals. Music is a strong cue for emotion and memory. For our wedding, like many weddings, music carried a great deal of significance. I thought very carefully about the music selections for the more significant parts of the day. There is a hymn called Parent's Prayer that we selected for when our parents and grandparents walked down the aisle. The song I chose for myself is a very common wedding song. I played frequently it on the piano as a kid and it was my mother's favorite from my childhood piano days. Catholic ceremonies dont allow secular music which bugged me as a non-Catholic but we made do. The only "hymn" that was allowed that I liked for our unity candle lighting was "God Bless Our Love" by John Lennon. So strange it was allowed considering it was written by a secular artist and one that once created quite the stir by saying the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. Our first dance was "Keeper of the Stars" by Tracy Byrd. Our last song was "I Could Not Ask For More" by Sara Evans. They all make me smile and reminisce in their own ways.

One song that instantly takes me and DH back to our wedding is "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by the Proclaimers. I chose it for our wedding party intro song at our reception. I chose it because its about going miles and miles to be with the one you love. It was a great song for DH and I because we were long-distance for our entire relationship. We met online in 2003. From the time we met in person for the first time (2005) until we got married (2007), we spent our school breaks and holidays together and it totaled 90 days. Yes, only 90 days of in-person contact before we got married but I cant even begin to count the number of hours on MSN chatting and nights on the phone for 4 years. Also every single member of our bridal party, except for one, came from some sort of distance. Anywhere from one hour to a few plane rides. Four of our five groomsmen came from Canada and my bridesmaids and ushers were scattered across the USA. So "I'm Gonna Be" was also a tribute to them, thanking them for coming from all distances to be with us on our special day. When it was played, each member of our bridal party was introduced by name and we all made it to the dance floor where we danced in a big circle. I danced with each person in the middle of the circle and it made all of us smile and laugh. It was a great way to kick off our reception, such joy and fun. Even my 84 year old grandmother remembers that particular moment with a smile. It brings a smile to my face when this song comes on the radio, to remember my relationship with DH and how loyal and wonderful all of our friends are to both of us.

The Proclaimers-"I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"

Day 6-A Song That Reminds You of Somewhere...

2011-04-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

I lived in Chicago for two years while completing my graduate degree and it was a great two years. I was 23, single but attached in a long-distance relationship and completely alone in a big city. It was like starting fresh in many ways...new town, new way of life, new friends. I spent a lot of time on public transportation, much like anybody that lives in a city. For Christmas, I got an MP3 player to block out the noise of the buses and the annoying people. I had that thing hooked to me for 2 years. I had a variety of songs and I went through a few phases of getting hooked to Elvis, Ray Charles, The Killers and Johnny Cash. Gnarls Barkley was huge during those years with "Crazy" and Justin had his "Sexyback." I was still trading music with my DH, a way to keep connected through the distance. At one point I got hooked on Jackson Browne and during my long commutes I would listen to a lot of Jackson Browne. I particularly fell in love with "Running on Empty" and "The Pretender." I often listened to Running on Empty when I really felt at my limits with school, my internship, the commute, the expenses of living in a city, being away from my boyfriend and family. My beloved grandfather died the 2nd to last semester of school in November, my family dog of 18 years was put to sleep the following spring. I'm the only person in my family to have a graduate degree, something I'm really proud to have. Its my greatest accomplishment thus far in my almost 29 years.

It was a really wonderful two years and really formative in many ways. I am still very close friends with the people I met then, I have fond memories of living in the city. This song has a lot of ambiguity but whatever its meaning, I think its ultimately about dreams. When I hear "Read My Mind" by The Killers, I am taken back to the train where I spent many nights watching the city lights glitter, reflecting on my days, worried about bills and wondering if my boyfriend would propose (he did of course). Missing my grandfather with an ache in my heart I had never known, knowing he was watching over me. Working hard into the witching hours, laughing and having fun with my friends over food, drinks and a dance floor. I love Chicago, it will always have a place in my heart.

The Killers-Read My Mind

Day 5-A Song That Reminds You of Someone...

2011-04-20T17:29:00.000-07:00

DH and I traded music back and forth quite frequently when we were long-distance. Having illegally downloaded music wasnt such a big deal back in 2003. In fact, one of his first gifts to me was a CD of music we had traded. Aaah the modern version of the mix tape, it must have been love, haha. Anyway, as a result a ton of songs remind me of him. Here Without You by 3 Doors Down was one of the first songs he traded to me. I traded him tons of jazz and classical music, he introduced me to Our Lady Peace and The Tea Party, a few Canadian bands. Our wedding song is Keeper of the Stars by Tracy Byrd which I could easily link here but that seems rather cliche to post as a song that reminds me of him. Its just too obvious.

Instead I'll post a link to a song we have sang badly together. We were playing SingStar 80's at a gathering at a friends house. You can play this either by solo or by duet so DH and I did a duet. Neither of us can sing to save our lives, we are both incredibly flat and off-key. DH rarely knows the correct lyrics, try as he may and despite my musical talent with instruments, I have never been able to sing. So this was our song that night and it was incredibly embarassing because you can play back your recording. All of us had a great laugh and now when it comes on the radio, we turn it up and blast it, singing shamelessly and laughing our asses off.

Simple Minds-Dont You (Forget About Me)

The other song I want to post is a song that reminds me of Maxim. Like a good preggo, I put together my labor playlist to be played during labor. I made the selection and DH put it together for me on his Ipod. I had a wide variety of music...rock, jazz, classical, DMB. For some reason though, during my labor, I latched onto this particular song. My hospital stay and labor was very long (58 hours from water break to baby born) and there were many sort of mini-breakdowns along the way. This song sort of elevated me back up during those times. I also sang it to him in the early weeks when trying to get him to sleep. When I hear it, I think of my sweet boy and his birthday and all the joy he has brought to me.

Rufus Wainwright-Hallelujah

Day 4-A Song That Makes You Cry

2011-04-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

Hands down, this song gets me every single time. I hear it on the radio, Im a mess. I hear it at wedding dances, where it is commonly played, and I'm a blubbering fool. I'm very sentimental and this song brings up so many thoughts of a life lived with another and all the good and bad that comes with partnership, building a family and love. I recall too when I was visiting my dying grandfather and getting ready to say goodbye for the last time. He was admitted into ICU during my visit and me and my grandmother went up there to visit him. I didnt witness many tender moments between the two of them over the years but I distinctly remember my grandmother kissing him, holding his hand and reassuring him (herself, me, all of us?). This song reminds me of them and the reflections they must have been having on their lives and life together during that time. And other older people who have lived life well and all the things they have witnessed and been through together. It reminds me that DH and I have already come so far but still have a lifetime ahead of us too. Oh the beautiful things we have together and will witness, oh the hard time we have had and will have, oh all the dreams we share, all with the ultimate goal of looking back when we are old and gray and hopefully satisfied and saying remember when...

Alan Jackson, Remember When

Day 3-A Song That Makes You Happy

2011-04-18T06:16:00.000-07:00

Love songs make me happy. Usually, I dont like "love" songs written by pop groups or very young singers (think boy bands, even when I was in their target age group, I didnt like them) mostly because I'm not sure they even know what they are singing about and I like songs that are more lyrically meaningful when written about love. You'll see later that this rule isnt very strict for me, there is one pop song right now that I have a place for in my heart and its very much about lust and puppy love. Anyway, once again its hard to choose since so many genres offer such wonderful love songs. But I love me some Van Morrison. He was a master at the meaningful love song..."Crazy Love" "Moondance" "Tupelo Honey," but I'm going to choose one of his more obscure songs. Its beautiful in its simplicity and written with such raw lyrics of what I think most men think of love but cant or dont say it...just a man and his guitar and his heart.

Van Morrison I'll Be Your Lover Too

And a bonus Van...Someone Like You

Day 2-Your Least Favorite Song

2011-04-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

It may seem strange that a person born in the 80's would choose an obscure 70's song as their least favorite but its true for me. When I was in high school, I worked as a cashier at a hardware store. It was a privately owned hardware store that depended a great deal on general contractors and less on the public at large like the large chain hardware store down the road. So it was often quiet, especially in the evenings. The boss put the store radio tuned to the least offensive category of music on radio...easy rock or easy listening. As a result we heard this song a lot and my god it was awful. Its corny as hell and while I adore the saxophone (and still wish I would have picked it as my instrument in band instead of clarinet), this song is just so cringeworthy in the sax solo. And lets be honest, its not just the sax that is major problem with this song.

So when I hear this song, I remember my days as a 16 year old mixing paint and cutting keys and learning a thing or two about plumbing and laughing hysterically with my co-workers about the baddness of this song. And honestly, if I didnt love George Michael, Careless Whisper is another example of the horrible 80's sax.

Gerry Rafferty-Baker Street

30 Day Song Challenge

2011-04-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

In an effort to get this blog more interesting and to get myself out of a slump, I'm doing a 30 day Song challenge. This has been going around on Facebook but instead of flooding my news feed with videos, I thought I would do it here. So here goes nothing.

Day 1-Your Favorite Song

This is super hard for me because music is a huge aspect of my life. I have so many favorites, its almost impossible for me to pick one. However, I do think my absolute favorite song is #41 by Dave Matthews Band. I love it for so many reasons...its haunting, passionate and ambiguous in meaning. The way Dave's voice plays on the tones and the instrumentals are superior. It is a song that always changes my mood for the better when I hear it and it feels so powerful. I've heard it once out of four live concerts I've attended and it was spine tingling. Much of Dave's music is unbelievable when hearing it live though but #41 was just on a whole other level. I imagine another Dave song will make this list at some point but #41 is at the top. Its this song that made me a forever DMB fan.
This particular rendition I've chosen is probably the best of his live shows. His acoustic version is unreal...just Dave and his guitar.

11 Months

2011-04-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

Maxim sweet boy, you are 11 months. In just one month, we will be celebrating your birth. How fast this year has gone.

You are eating all table food now and are not happy with maman feeding you unless its yogurt or applesauce. Mr. Independent you want to feed yourself and you are quite good at it. You love garlic olive oil chicken, pasta, english muffins, toast, asparagus, green beans, and raspberries. Your great grandma's also helped you discover toast with jam this week so now Maman will have to start buying jam. Basically you eat anything we put in front of you except sweet potato and avocado. You also like some snack foods like yogurt covered bites, banana puffs and crackers. Despite your grandma's insistence, you havent had any sugar like ice cream (poor tortured boy, lol) but on your first birthday, you'll get to have cake and ice cream. Maman thinks you need to learn to eat better than she does so no sugar until your first birthday and then after, only a little bit here and there for special occassions.

You are starting to move more and explore your world which means you can turn full circles if your on your butt and rotate around on your belly. You are also stretching and reaching more which lands you on your belly at times. You love to stand and bounce.

You are quite the chatterbox. You make noise all day long and you can say mama and dada very clearly. You make this long loud high pitched Oooooo sound when you are excited which makes us laugh. You also know how to roll a ball to Maman and you understand what shut off the light means. You cant quite get the little lever pushed down yet but soon.

You are making your preferences known and you are very good at letting us know when you are mad. I see some head butting and typical toddler behavior in our future. You are very much like your mother in many ways but you have some of your papa's qualities too. Most of the time, you are such a happy easy going baby and a joy. Always lots of smiles for us every day.

We love you sweet baby more and more every day!!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

I Used To Be Interesting...

2011-03-22T07:38:00.000-07:00

Well this is one of many things on my mind lately....jobs, going back to work, skills and confidence.

Lets start with jobs. I need one. Desperately. Not only for financial reasons which are big but for mental health. The thing I loathe most about living in Ontario is the contract bull shit that employers (especially those funded by ministries) put their workers through every 6-12 months. Give me a break. I can understand covering a maternity leave or a long-term sick leave. But other than that, make people feel like they are worth their salt and give them a real job. A job with long-term stability, benefits, sick days, vacation days and a sense of normalcy instead of panic every few months about whether or not the paychecks will continue.

Its UTTER bull shit. It has been my life since 2008 as well. Im sick of it. I'm going to be 29 years old, have been out of school since 2007 and working since I was 14. I've paid my damn dues, I'm not 19 anymore, I deserve a job in my field. I'm not asking for a huge wage, just something to make me feel like my 100k Masters degree was worth a damn. Anything but a contract, anything but minimum wage.

Because of this we cant plan for anything. We cant say, oh yeah lets go buy a new car because we can afford the montly car payment, even though we really need a new car. What little money we have left over, we cant put into a retirement account like we "should" be doing. And when I am working a contract, I feel I have to be on my very best behavior, never ask for a day off or dare call in sick because Im hoping it will turn into something permanent.

Ok so now that I've vented about that...lets talk about going back to work after having a baby. By the way, if you're a SAHM or a working mom that would rather be home, perhaps this section isnt for you. Thats ok and I hope its ok with you that I'm writing this because its how I feel. You may be built to SAH but I'm not.

With every fiber of my being, I NEED to go back to work. I have been at home with Maxim for 10 months. 10 very long months. 10 months with no vehicle at home unless its planned and its a pain. I work very part time teaching in the evenings (every 6 months for just a few weeks) and also on Saturdays every 6ish weeks. These few hours I get are precious to me. Because I feel like I'm actually using my brain. Yes raising a child is difficult, it requires a whole other skill set, patience and knowledge. Since having a child, my brain has been flooded with all sorts of knowledge about raising a child...breast feeding, solids, milestones, baby sleep, ABC's and 123's, the color and consistency of normal poop, defending my choices, and all the other wonderful things about motherhood. However, my daily life as a mom is very mundane. Housework, baby care, playing....they never change. Its always the same every day. We dont even have a routine really but things still never change. However, there are perks to being at home. I can declare jammy day and we can both chill out in our jammies all day. I can nap when babe naps if its been a rough night. I have been able to reach my breast feeding goals. I love watching my son grow and develop and learn new things every day. The smiles, baby laughs and warm moments are worth it most days.

However, another part of me absolutely hates it. I am a horrible housewife. I hate chores, I hate cleaning my house but I wish it was clean...lol...such a stupid problem really. If I really hated a dirty house, I'd clean it but I hate cleaning so much it just stays messy. What a circle jerk. Being at home is exhausting because its so boring. And because the things I do are boring, I feel that I am boring and uninteresting. My life as mother consumes every part of my life and conversations and interests and it just sucks. I used to be interesting. So while I have this whole new skill set as a mother, the other part of me is starting to atrophy. The half that craves adult stimulation, intellectual conversation, having more to say and offer to conversation with friends, challenging my skills as a counsellor. I love my son, I love that Canada is so great that I didnt have to go back to work at 6 weeks, I love being a mother. I dont love being or feeling like I'm uninteresting.

So now that we've come to discuss jobs (and the lack of them) and needing to work for sanity, the biggest reason I am NOT enjoying my maternity leave is because Im technically unemployed, not on maternity leave. It weighs on my mind every day how badly I'll need a job by May when my benefits run dry. I cant enjoy this time very much with this black cloud hanging over us. Yes I chose to have a baby with only a contract job but given the fact that contracts seem to be the popular employment form of choice around here, I could have delayed starting my family for many years, still be working shitty contract after shitty contract and not have kids well into my 30's. I think that next time around, if I do have a permanent job, this mat leave thing will be really nice. Right now, I worry because I hate staying at home so much and am having such a hard time finding a job, I'm scared that I'll be resigned to a life as an unhappily unemployed stay at home mom instead of a happily employed mom that is happily on maternity leave and ready to go back to work after a year. I'm scared that I"ll continue to be uninteresting. The depression I see in my future if I dont get a job is staggering.

Of course, one might ask why I cant switch my mindset around and embrace staying at home. One for financial reasons, its just not possible for me to stay at home. The other is that a great deal of my self worth and confidence is wrapped into my working life, my education and my skills. Ever since I've been working, I've put 100% of my efforts into being a good employee. I take great pride in my work ethic. I take great pride in my education, my accomplishments and my abilities. When I was unemployed before I got residency in Canada, it was apparent that I wouldnt be happy until I got a job. Now being on maternity leave, loving my baby and taking on the biggest challenge of life in motherhood and realizing it still isnt enough, its even more apparent to me how much of my core is focused on my education and work and how empty I feel sometimes because I'm not getting fulfilled in this arena.

And because I feel like my work brain is melting slowly, my confidence in going back to work is starting to wilt and its really apparent in recent interviews I've had. Basic things I know like the cellulite pattern on my ass I'm screwing up on in interviews. I used to nail interviews, I was amazing in the interview. I can talk to anybody, I can talk about myself in a way that is positive without being boastful. I'm charming and easy to engage, and had very little nerves. Now I'm a cowering bluttering moron, just so damn desperate for a job, its oozing out of my pores. The longer I stay out of the field, the harder it will be to turn my brain back on.

Awesome. Lack of confidence is a great trait to have right now.

Anyway, thats enough for this post...its getting too long. Next up...The Fight.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

Hey dude, whats shakin?

Mind if I have a taste?

Hmm, usually I chew on my own foot...

Seriously man, I dont know why she makes us do this either

10 Months

2011-03-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

Sweet baby is 10 months!! This month seemed to fly by, and not just because it was a short month. I really cant believe its the middle of March already.

This month, Boobins (one of his many nicknames, lol) :

Is self feeding more and more. He loves broccoli, yogurt, applesauce, crackers, buttered toast, cheese sandwiches, chicken, pasta and a whole lot of other stuff. He also LOVES cheese and now he knows the association between the plastic opening on the cheese sticks and knowing its gooey goodness. Its hilarious when DH goes to the fridge to get one and comes back opening it...Maxim immediately starts whining, reaching and grunting for it. So funny!

Still content with sitting and we are starting to practice standing. He doesnt pull himself up either which seems a bit late but we're keeping an eye out. Its honestly super nice to not have a super mobile baby but I hope he starts to move more soon or I'll get worried about his development. He loves to swim and he can blow bubbles now which is hilarious.

He's a teething machine but nothing popped through this month. Will probably have a few more show up this month though.

He's a little guy at around 16 lbs but we're hoping and thinking he'll hit a growth spurt soon. Mostly hoping because the doc is getting concerned about it which seems a bit premature at this point considering that my DH is lean and tall and was a skinny kid. So we'll see how it goes. A bonus with this is that he can wear his clothes for a long time which has always been the case since birth. He's now into 12 month sizes.

He is jabbering up a storm and is constantly making noise when he's awake. Its so funny to hear him talk. The other really cute thing is he is "kissing" me on the cheek now. I say "baby kisses" and tap my cheek and he'll lean in for an open mouth slobber fest. I give him Maman kisses and he gives me baby kisses. Its so cool that he's really starting to understand. The not cool thing he is doing is biting and grinding his teeth. The teeth grinding is like nails on a chalk board and makes my stomach turn. He mostly bites my clothes but tonight he bit my shoulder which hurt. He doesnt bite when nursing which is really good.

I guess thats about it...things are swimming along. I cant believe I'm entertaining thoughts of his 1st birthday!! Its coming up quick!!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-09T07:54:00.001-08:00

"This little piggy"...Figaro is so patient, haha

Listen here kid...

Best Buds

Brought To You By The Letter R....

2011-03-07T18:22:00.000-08:00

For Radio Silence...

Ummmmm...

So yeah...3 Wordless Wednesdays in a row and nothing in between. My boy is certainly adorable but the lack of other content...well its boring and I apologize.

I've been busy. Sort of.

I've had a lot on my mind. Definitely.

The words to write....perhaps. If I dig deep enough.

The motivation....not really. A-ha...the shovel hits a hard spot.

Anyway, I wont be posting an update tonight either but I will be posting Maxim's 10 month update per the usual and then hopefully that will get me back into the swing of things on a more regular basis.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-02T09:59:00.001-08:00

Wordless Wednesday-Trying a Nectarine

2011-02-23T09:04:00.000-08:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-16T19:45:00.000-08:00

9 Months

2011-02-15T07:41:00.000-08:00

Sweet boy, you are 9 months and Maman cant believe it. I say it every month but its true, time is flying by and you are growing and changing every day.

You now have your top two teeth which means you have 4 teeth now. Maman is pretty sure you have a few more trying to come through as well. You do not do well with teething but then getting two teeth at the same time cant be pleasant. We have figured out you get a bit of a diaper rash just before they are about to surface so at least Maman knows whats going on when you get crabby.

You are smiling constantly now and you talk a lot. In fact, Maman thinks you are now saying Ma Ma and Da Da. Your dad doesnt believe me but Grand Maman heard it too so I cant be crazy. You are also a screamer which really really bugs your dad. You just like to scream when you're happy, mad, for attention, when you're tired, to hear your voice. We hope you outgrow it soon, it hurts our ears and Figaro gets pretty annoyed too, haha!

You are now eating 3-4 small jars of baby food a day, at lunch and dinner time. You love ALL the fruits and veggies but you are not a fan of the blends...I dont blame you, they kinda smell funky anyway. Your favorites seem to be blueberries, carrots, squash and apple sauce. You also love yogurt like its going out of style and you can feed yourself cheese, pasta, baby mum-mums and banana. We're doing a combo of you feeding yourself and jar food. You dont like Maman's homemade purees so we'll just do whatever works.

You love books and reading and I'm reading you the Boxcar Children series one book at time. Maman still has these books from when she was little and she loves reading them to you. You also love blocks, your train, cars, your penguin and your stacker shapes.

Your naps are much much better. You are getting at least 2-4 hours of good naps a day. I think eliminating the third nap helped with this. Your sleep is really erratic right now which makes Maman very tired but it isnt affecting your mood which is good.

You are sitting up completely without support, including in the bath tub. We havent moved you to the big tub yet, its just easier to put you in the infant tub (its big enough too!) on the counter. We'll move you soon, you are going to get too long for it even when sitting up. You arent moving much otherwise which is ok, you'll move when you're ready. You do sometimes get yourself on your belly now trying to reach for things but thats about it. We go swimming twice a week, once with daddy on Tuesday nights. You love the water and you kick and wave your little arms and try to "blow bubbles" too.

You are such a happy baby and we are so happy to be your parents. Its really hard to believe that in 3 months you'll be one year old. We savor and marvel at every moment with you and we have so much fun. Love you so so much, sweet sweet boy!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-09T17:41:00.000-08:00

I Cant Wait.....

2011-02-02T18:13:00.000-08:00

For him to be able to pick his own nose.

Its like I'm sticking bamboo under his finger nails every time I try to clean out his nose.

FYI, I gave up on that snot bulb after a month. What a useless, how the fuck do you work this damn thing, clearly one needs an nursing degree to use it, piece of junk baby item.

Seriously.

Remind me of this post in 2 years when I'm yelling at him to not eat his snot, wipe it on the couch or chase the cat with it.

Trip Pictures

2011-01-30T18:48:00.000-08:00

How to Leave Your Baby For 9 Days...

2011-01-28T18:53:00.001-08:00

A check-list:

Baby should be at least over 6 months old.

Have a really good reason for the vacation. A destination wedding for close friends (who happen to be executors on our will) is an excellent reason for getting away. Having 29 other people there to celebrate as well makes it a trip not to be missed.

Pump and save every possible ounce of your milk for the months leading up the time away, thus limiting your time away from your baby during this time. Become a mommy martyr for selfish reasons, it pays off in a few months. For 9 days, one needs at least 250 ounces.

Have a reliable, responsible, loving family member to be on board for caring for your baby and supportive of your trip. A grandparent is the absolute best option. Anybody else will leave you racked with serious anxiety.

Allow grandparents to spoil your baby at will and without limits for the entire week. Baby deserves it and grandma and grandpa will love you forever.

Pay in advance for trip. This makes it very difficult to back out of said trip. Further, buy cancellation insurance just in case.

Leave strict, specific down to the anal detail about feeding baby. Its ok if its a page long. Answer any questions about baby's routine too.

Pack the baby's favorite toys and lovies to take along to Grandma's house. Leave a piece of your clothing behind for the baby to cuddle if necessary.

Hug and kiss baby as much as possible. Shed a few tears and then leave quickly. Once in the car, you will feel much better. You will miss your baby more than you thought possible (but not in a rush to end the vacation and get home) but you will be thrilled beyond reason to be home again too.

Dont call home. Its much too expensive and will just create anxiety. Check Facebook for pictures that grandma will surely post of your happy smiling baby. Know that if anything *really serious* happens, grandma will call you.

Bring breast pump and parts, including spare batteries and a nursing cover. Be prepared to pump every 3-4 hours while away. Yes it is a pain, however, if you are dedicated to breast feeding, it is absolutely necessary.

Be prepared to pump anywhere and everywhere including in the car, in the airport lounge, in the plane, in your room away from the fun, on the beach and at a major internationally known water park. Employ DH to assist in supporting your efforts, including booby checks to be sure you arent flashing anybody.

Be prepared to dump your liquid gold down the drain. If you are liberal with the alcohol (very liberal some days which is not hard to do at an all inclusive resort), then this isnt that hard to do because it's not something you would not feed anyway. If not liberal with the alcohol and can safely store it properly, then bring it back on the plane if you are willing to deal with that hassle.

Ignore any nay sayers that make comments that you imply your baby will suffer endless psychological wounding that will require him to be in therapy for his adult life if you leave him with his grandparents. Ignore the people that try to place guilt upon you for leaving your child. Your child will survive, in fact, thrive without you. Ignore the people that silently think you're a horrible parent by throwing you looks of judgment. They really arent any better or worse than you.

Enjoy every single moment with DH. It is priceless to be able to travel in a quiet car and not lug around baby gear. It is amazing to be able to sleep in a few hours without disruption and have loud wild....errr...laughs *wink.* It is awesome to tell dirty jokes, swear, drink without inhibition and eat meals (hot meals at that) in peace.

Be sure that the week is filled with tons of memories of relaxation, fun and debauchery. Be sure to spend the week reconnecting with your DH with romance and private moments.

Have zero guilt. Parents and marriage should still come first and foremost and this time away is great for the marriage. Children are amazing and resilient and you will be a better partner and parent when you return.

Hug and kiss baby as much as humanly possible upon return. Promptly put baby to breast and smile with contentment of being back where you both belong. Lugging baby gear, early mornings and eating meals in chaos will feel good because you'll be home to your most beautiful baby. Baby smiles abound.

Spend a whole day cuddling and spoiling baby upon return. Roll back into your family routine with ease but with new memories of a great trip. Baby will have a slight grandma hangover. That too will pass when he realizes maman cuddles and kisses are still the best.

8 Months!

2011-01-07T20:19:00.000-08:00

Maxim is 8 months now and he's changed quite a bit in the last month.

He cut his first two teeth on December 19th. He has his front two bottom chompers. I miss his gummy grin already :(

We traveled to the States again for Christmas. He did much better in the car this time and it was a very good trip. He got spoiled big time, lots of toys for Christmas including a metal Radio Flyer red wagon from my parents. He also got tons of love, cuddles and kisses from Grandma and Grandpa.

He is sitting very well and very seldom falls unless he flops himself over on purpose. He is totally loving this new position and he plays very well now. He loves books and story time.

He is suddenly very interested in our cat Figaro. Fig is very patient and good with him. Fig often sits next to him on the floor and Maxim will reach over to pet and stroke him. I always take the opportunity to show him how to get the kitty nicely. So far so good.

We tried some fruit again this week and he seems to like pears. He has lost the tongue thrust thing completely now and he knows how to swallow good. Its going much better. He'll get more practice with the in-laws this week.

He is having his first time away from Maman and Papa this week. DH and I are traveling to the Bahamas for a friend's wedding and we'll be gone 8 days. We havent been away from him longer than 12 hours since he was born so it will be interesting. I think it will be good for him as he will be with the in-laws and in good hands. It will be good for DH and I as well.

Still not mobile and he's pretty content sitting on his butt. He is Mr Grab Hands and is after everything he can reach. Its really fun to watch him explore the world.

We also went swimming for the first time yesterday. He did NOT enjoy the big pool or the shallow pool. He was better in the splash pad but not by much. It was just too cold for him. However, he LOVED the therapy pool which is a big warm hot tub pool and he was totally relaxed and checking things out when we sat in there. The class was ok, most of the activities they have you do with the babes arent good for little ones but better for toddlers. Lots of bouncing and slight head dipping. We are going to go at least twice a week, maybe participate in the organized class or just hang out in the pool on our own. Water safety and swimming is super important and a life long skill set.

Life will surely get more interesting as we enter the next few months. We love him more and more everyday and his smiles warm our hearts.

7 Months!

2010-12-11T10:47:00.000-08:00

Maxim is 7 months old today! A few highlights:

He is not a fan of solids. We've put them on hold until he shows more interest and try maybe once or twice a week. So far he firmly clamps his mouth shut and turns his head. However yesterday, he was batting at DH's banana so DH gave him a small piece. He didnt spit it out. Progress!! 7 months breast feeding milestone, so so proud of both of us!

He is sitting independently with pillows around him. He can sit for a very long time before he'll tip over usually tipping because he is trying to reach for an object. Another month and he wont need the pillows anymore. He loves sitting, its like a whole new world has opened up for him. He can play pretty well now this way. Watching him play is so exciting. I just watch and observe instead of playing with him sometimes and you can see the gears grinding in his head about his toys, the way he manipulates them, moves them, and of course, puts everything in his mouth.

As for crawling or rolling....nope. He's perfectly content just hanging out. He moves a TON in his crib at night though so I know something is working in his brain about these milestones but during his awake time, he doesnt do much by way of practicing.

Speaking of sleep, he's started with weird sleep patterns too. He gets up more often now, some nights just the normal once at 5am to eat, and other nights its 3-4 times, every 2 hours. He isnt hungry, just weird night waking and not able to get himself settled. Part separation anxiety, part developmental brain activity. I have gone back to taking at least one nap a day while he is napping, usually the morning nap.

He absolutely HATES it when I leave the room. He screams and cries if I walk away for a few seconds and he cant see me. This is highly annoying to me as I feel I cant even pee or get a bowl of cereal without him freaking out. Separation anxiety setting in, however, not making strange with people. And its not consistent either...he was perfectly happy with all my co-workers on Thursday at the Christmas potluck and I wasnt around for at least an hour. He is so so social, he loves people.

He's started to pull my hair, pat and touch my face and if Figaro gets too close, pull on his hair or tail. I think he just likes the new textures and he loves to explore my face. Its so cute. I am already teaching him not to pull my hair or hit my glasses off my face.

Maxim loves playing peek-a-boo with his Aden and Anais blankets. Those blankets are his favorite, good thing Santa is bringing some Issies for him. He squeals and moves so much when we play this game.

He is growing and changing so much. DH raves about him all the time, it is so moving to listen to him talk about his son. He gets so emotional and open about him, never before has he been this way and I love it. They are quite the pair and one of their favorite things to do together is watch Montreal Canadiens hockey.

I really cant believe we're on the downward slope towards turning 1!! It has gone so fast. Everybody I cherish the cuddles and kisses, knowing that he wont be able to snuggle in my arms for much longer. I say it all the time but he really is wonderful in so many ways and I'm so lucky to be his Maman.

12 Months of Blogging

2010-12-10T15:42:00.000-08:00

I thought this was fun!! 12 months of blogging :)

January 2010 - Happy New Year! A very happy new year in 2010 to all!

February 2010 - 24 Weeks! Holy cow, 6 months already! Time has flown by, it really has!

March 2010 - 30 Weeks!! Only 10 weeks to go! Can we say, holy shit, where does the time go?

April 2010 - No posts for April!

May 2010 - 37 Weeks! Its been awhile but I've been super busy too! 37 Weeks today = a full term baby! Woot!

June 2010 - On the Night You Were Born... I found this beautiful book, "On the Night You Were Born" before Maxim was born and I fell in love with the opening words. ~~On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered, "Life will never be the same."~~

July 2010 - Long Distance Grandparents. This is going to be a really hard post to write but I have to get it out.

August 2010 - World Breast Feeding Week. August 1-7 is World Breastfeeding Week.

September 2010 - More Pics From Our Trip. Eventually I'll get a written update in here..Maxim has been a nap time monster for the last 2 weeks so needless to say we aren't getting much done around here during the day or at night.

October 2010 - Best Day... Today is our 3rd anniversary :)

November 2010 - 6 Months!! Mon bébé précieux, Today you are 6 months old!

December 2010 - The Good Baby. Is he a good baby?"

The Good Baby

2010-12-02T12:44:00.000-08:00

"Is he a good baby?"

Ummm...

What is said out loud...

Yes?!

What is running through my head...

I suppose....am I supposed to be honest here or...no wait, I must say yes, lest I be judged for being a shitty mother who hates her kid.

This question bugs me almost as much as the nursing/sleeping/pablum questions. How does a parent even answer this question other than "OF COURSE!!!! He's a GREAT baby ALL the time....dont you see the rainbows, unicorns and fluffy puppies shooting out his ass?!?! Dont you see the choir of angels singing boisterously behind me as I describe my perfect baby??" Haha!

What bugs me even more is that babies and kids are measured "good" by stupid things that are completely developmentally normal. Babies can only communicate by crying, non-verbal body language, or random cooing...they dont have words or language to articulate their needs and desires. So when a baby cries they are attempting to communicate their needs and desires.

Crying gets on my damn nerves. Especially when I've done everything I can possibly think of to soothe him and it doesnt work. I think any parent if they were honest would say that unending crying drives them nuts after awhile. Sometimes, I have to consciously remind myself that he is communicating, not getting on my nerves purposely.

My baby is a good baby because he is a good person. Not because he is a perfect angel 24 hours a day, never cries, sleeps on "schedule," "eats good" and all the other things that are supposed to be "good" about a kid. He's a normal human...he has good days and bad days. He has his preferences and mannerisms just like anybody else.

I wish we wouldn't measure good and bad this way. I read a blog post recently and be damned if I can remember what the blog was called but it talked about this very thing that made so much sense, it reminded me and my DH not to judge him as good or bad but normal.

So I hate it when people ask if he's a good baby...because they are expecting the answer yes and dont really give a shit about all the daily hassles and troubles that come with raising a normal baby. If I respond with anything other than yes, then I'm complaining, condescended to or dismissed. I'll gladly take a question about nursing anytime over the good baby question.

It seems that mothers can never be honest about raising their kids because there is all sorts of judgment and less than helpful comments that come with it. I think this is detrimental because new mothers don't get the right information about what it can be really like to raise a child. Its also detrimental to the mother that doesn't have an outlet. We seek support for "safe" topics with other people, we don't seek an ear to listen to our difficulties or the emotional toll that this can bring.

Most days are a joy, most moments are unforgettable, my heart bursts with happiness. Other days are so damn hard, so damn exhausting, so damn hair-graying, I briefly consider drinking and recreational pot use.

And I am so damn lucky. So so lucky and so so blessed.

Even though he's been driving me right up the nut house since Monday, he is a fabulous little human being and you're damn right...he is "good."

Funky. Funkeriffic. Funkified.

2010-11-29T10:33:00.000-08:00

In a word. In a funk.

The last few weeks have been hard.

I dont really know why.

I have nothing to add to this blog right now mostly because I find myself boring.

So why write about boring things? My day-to-day doesnt change much. My son is still beautiful, still makes me laugh, still stresses me out sometimes, still makes me smile through it all.

Im feeling very disconnected from myself and my DH. It seems that 1000% of my life and focus is on my baby and that is not healthy at all.

Oh and to add to the misery is the continuing job woes. So glad I spent a small mortgage worth of money on my education to get shit-canned before even getting an interview. So glad I hear how smart I am and how good I am at my work but never get hired for something worthwhile. Even better....it stresses out my DH which is in turn put on me again and adds to the pressure. Again. Its not his fault but its not pleasant. This process really adds to...rather rips to shreds, chews up and explosively shits out my self-worth if you know what I mean.

Awesome.

No wait...

This boy is awesome. He gets it from his father.

6 Months!!

2010-11-11T19:33:00.000-08:00

Mon bébé précieux,

Today you are 6 months old! To mark this special milestone our day looked like this:

Maman got you dressed in a onesie and diaper for your annual monthly picture with your tall penguin on the chair in your room. Its been so fun to chronicle these monthly pictures and your growth and it is amazing to see the changes.

You practiced sitting, safely tucked between Maman's legs and with many toys to keep your attention and stimulate your imagination.

We took a nap together this afternoon. You rested peacefully on my chest and I immediately recalled the first moment you laid on my chest after your birth. It was as beautiful today as it was then. It makes Maman very emotional thinking about it.

When Papa got home, we had dinner together. You got your very first taste of food today. We tried mashed sweet potato. Not your favorite thing. Then we tried some mashed banana...nope that was a no go as well. You did enjoy your first taste of water but I think that was more because it helped wash down the food. We'll try again tomorrow.

After your bath, Maman put you to bed and reflected on the last month. Not much has changed since month 5 other than you are more sturdy when you sit but sometimes your head still takes you in all sorts of directions. You get very upset when you bonk your head on the floor. You are still only rolling onto your tummy but you did roll back...just twice. You get frustrated very easily when on your belly. You're also pushing your butt into the air so you're practicing some crawling moves. I think it will be awhile yet.

When you are eating, you make sweet little noises and grunts and then come off Maman's breast with great flourish and a big smile. It is hilarious and makes Maman laugh a lot.

We are still waiting to hear some baby giggles and your voice is very soft yet though sometimes you let out a scream that gets our attention! You also have the attention of Figaro the cat and sometimes he'll lay on the carpet close to you and lick your hand or forehead. He gets your attention too, you are curious when he walks by or licks you.

You are teething something fierce but so far nothing has come out. Maman requested that the Tooth Fairy surrender those teeth soon, on the promise that she would get them back in 4-7 years...provided she swap for shiny quarters! :)

Your favorite toys are your rings, your dragonfly, your baseball rattle, and your penguins. You love to be sung to and you love when Maman reads to you as well.

As for your parents, we have hit our stride finally and feel somewhat normal again....a new normal of course. The days aren't as long as they once were for Maman but some days are still very hard. Papa loves coming home to us and has the happiest face for his son. Papa plays the Lion Game with you. Papa pretends he is a lion and crawls around on all four's, growling, pawing and then "attacking" your neck. It makes you smile and distracts you when Maman is trying to get you dressed for bed. We are getting better at this parenting thing though every day is something new.

Maxim, you are our most precious joy, the light of our days, our world. Even when Maman and Papa have bad days, you make us smile. Even on your bad days, you still smile. You have changed our hearts in ways you cant possibly imagine. Maman cant find the words to describe how beautiful you are, how loving you are and how much my heart swells with love for you. All I know is that you have fundamentally changed me as a person for the good, you have changed my heart and you have changed my perspective on life. We cannot wait to see what the next 6 months bring, not hoping things will speed up but savoring every single moment with you.

We love you sweet boy!

Happy Halloween

2010-10-31T17:01:00.001-07:00

Maxim and PeeWee

2010-10-29T09:40:00.001-07:00

K, the meeting will start...thanks for showing up Monsieur Polar and Bonhomme. Bonhomme, Bonhomme, c'est tout jouer...

Maman!! Was that you or Figaro?!

Maman, I have no words...

Well hello there PeeWee, nice of you to show up.

Alright PeeWee. Do your worst.

Victory is mine!!

My Favorite Things...

2010-10-28T19:32:00.001-07:00

His blue eyes....in the morning they are a nice and light, mid-day they have a bit of gray radiating off the pupil like mine and in the evening they are the richest hue of navy.

The small of his back....this is where is he most ticklish...if he's nursing and I graze his back in any way, he immediately arches and wiggles. He is JUST like his dad this way...very sensitive to the touch.

His dimples..I dont know where they came from, neither DH nor I have dimples but they are cute nonetheless and we'll take them.

His chubby cheeks...I kiss them constantly, I cant even help myself. He gets a million kisses a day.

His little biceps...they are just so cute, he's already got some "definition." I imagine him to be a grown man some day with nice arms that will make his partner swoon.

The little wrist cleavage he has between his wrist and hand.

His pot belly....it just barely sits over the edge of his diaper. He's not a fat baby but his little Buddha belly is just so adorable. I love to blow on it to make him smile and laugh.

His legs...he has the classic baby leg rolls. I smile with pride knowing that I did that...I helped him grow and get bigger outside of my body with my milk. His legs were so skinny, I just never imagined them with little rolls.

His feet...he likes it when I blow on the bottom of his feet and pretend to chew on his toes. He has big feet, he will be tall like his Papa.

His smile. It melts my heart, makes me laugh and makes me sigh happy little sighs when I see it. Especially first thing in the morning, it makes getting out of bed easier. I also check for teeth 10 times a day, he must get so sick of me sticking my finger in his mouth, haha!

Mid - night nursing sessions. He just recently started going back to these around 4:00am, part of a sleep regression thing. He just wants a little snack, comfort, or something...but it brings me peace in the middle of the night, when it is the darkest and quietest. I wrap us up in a blanket so I dont get cold and recline the chair a bit. The other night, I fell asleep in the chair in his room. I woke up and thought only 15 minutes had passed....it was 2 hours later, almost dawn and Maxim was still latched on, sleeping but suckling away.

Bath time. Maxim LOVES bath time and it is the most fun we have all day. He is totally getting into the toys, bubbles and splashing.

Nap time. Its good for him because he gets rest and its good for me because I get a break. I'm able to take care of myself during this time and its pretty frustrating for me if I dont get a little bit of a break. Thankfully, the nap issues are getting much better which makes for a happier, not overtired baby and a happier, less stressed mom and dad.

Night time massage. Sometimes he doesnt always love it but I love it because it allows me to help him relax in a different way and the nights he is really receptive to it, he just totally soaks it in.

His voice. He has the sweetest little voice, he likes to talk and jabber all day. He's squealing and grunting and doing everything he can to learn how to talk. Its so cool, I cannot wait until he says Maman and Papa for the first time.

Reading and music time. I love playing the piano for him and singing to him. His current favorites are Head Shoulders Knees and Toes and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. We also play a ton of regular radio music for him, just like in utero. Still responds to DMB and Our Lady Peace....he's also a fan of "Boom Boom Pow" as we discovered this week and Lady Gaga.

When DH comes home...baby boy lights up and loves his Papa. I just love watching DH with him.

Just before he closes his eyes at bedtime. He likes to hold my hand and look up at me as he is falling asleep. Its my favorite part of the day...a time for me to reflect on the good and the bad. How he grew and changed and learned and how I grew, changed and learned too.

Beautiful Boy

2010-10-21T07:53:00.001-07:00

Go Habs Go!! Down with the Leafs!!

Bubble Baby

I'm kind of a big deal, Maman!

Winking at Grandma

Love your smile baby!

What big eyes you have!

Our nightly chat before bedtime

5 Months

2010-10-11T18:32:00.000-07:00

Maxim is 5 months old today!! It really does go so fast, its hard to believe he was born 5 months ago.

This month Maxim is extremely fascinated with his feet. I think he's kinda blown away that if he drops his other toys and cant get them, at least his feet are always attached and at the ready, haha! This foot fetish of his makes diaper changes more interesting and he tries so hard to get both hands and feet in his mouth at the same time.

He's found his sweet little voice this month as well. We often have little "chats" throughout the day, especially just before he goes down for bed. We cuddle on the couch and he whispers little baby words to me before he finally closes his eyes. I like to think he is thanking me for a nice day of play and fun, taking good care of him and telling me he loves me so much. Sweetest part of my day, other than waking up to baby smiles :)

He is not very good at playing independently yet and he is ok with the jumper and exersaucer for very short periods of time. He would rather I play with him. He does love the over head toys though and sitting in his Bumbo chair. He still just rolls back to tummy but not the other direction so he gets a bit frustrated after being on his belly. He does a bit of tripod sitting but still needs support. He also loves his bath and the toys and bubbles are super fun for him.

We have a nightly routine of dinner, a stroller walk with Papa, bath, nurse and bed time. He is going to bed between 8 and 8:30 which is a huge difference than a few months ago. His naps are slowly getting better but there are still days when he struggles and then is crabby. If we are out later, he adjusts so well so we dont feel too confined to get him to his bed times.

He is a happy little boy and is looking more like me than DH. He is so sweet and we are so so in love with him. We love every day when he learns something new or does something cute. He is such a blessing :)

Best Day...

2010-10-05T07:03:00.000-07:00

Today is our 3rd anniversary :) It is a beautiful sunny day here, 3 years ago it was slightly cloudy and rainy but still full of enough love, hopes and dreams to light the day. I remember every minute, detail, moment as if it just happened. From the sleepless night and busy morning getting ready to the first night we finally shut off the bed side lamps and cuddled in the darkness as husband and wife .

Some parents say that the birth of their children are the best days of their lives...and I admit, that day was really really wonderful, special, amazing, beautiful...

But our wedding anniversary will always be my best day...because without this day, all my other beautiful days since then and in the future wouldn't be possible without the day I married my very best friend. The love of my life, the guy who turns me on, supports me, makes me laugh daily, cries with me, surprises me, challenges me and most of all, loves me without limits, unconditionally.

3 years down, a lifetime to go. C'est toi que j'taime :)

My Pumpkin

2010-09-29T07:43:00.001-07:00

A local farm known for their pick your own berries and fresh veggies opens their doors for Halloween activities including a corn maze, pumpkins, marshmallow roast, wagon rides and a haunted barn. We went there this weekend with my parents for the first time to get pics of Maxim amongst their pumpkins and to buy some home made pie. DH and I tried the barn but totally chickened out and got out early, haha!! My DH is a huge wimp when it comes to scary stuff but it was even too much for me. So here are some pics from our weekend excursion!

Admission? Conclusion? Maybe Both...

2010-09-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

So its something that has been weighing on my mind for 2 months now.

As a person educated with a Masters in Psychology, its definitely on my radar and something that I thought about a lot when I was pregnant too. Its something that I can easily recognize in women when they talk to me about their symptoms but it wasnt as easy to pinpoint in myself.

I think I may have a mild form of postpartum depression.

I don't have all the hallmark symptoms and I definitely don't take it out on my son. My symptoms are not even that severe or debilitating. A few things have stood out though since he was about 2 months old though, mostly a quick fuse, short on patience of which I've always had an abundance, guilt about not loving staying at home, some mild depression, feeling out of control, and a lot of isolation which is the biggie.

In fact, I'm not entirely sure its really PPD but maybe just postpartum adjustment issues. I'm trying to figure out if my feelings are outside of the realm of normal. PPD is abnormal though not uncommon, but adjustment issues are very normal and common as well. Adjustment to life as a mother, feeling like I'm losing a sense of my pre-baby self, adjusting to the demands of a baby....when you have a new baby, none of this is unusual but its hard to know when its abnormal. I still dont really know in my case.

The isolation is definitely the biggest factor. I've decided to make it a priority to go out of town with my girlfriends for a day trip every other month. I need more time with my friends that doesnt' involve the baby. So in October, we're headed for a day trip of food, shopping and wine. My one girlfriend is due in November so it will be a last outing before her newborn for awhile.

Since I've sort of concluded that this may be the case for me, I've felt a large sense of relief from it. I haven't talked to anybody about it yet because I'm still trying to figure it out and I don't think I need a medication for it. I dont think I need to do much other than be aware of my feelings, work on my thoughts about it and deal with the isolation. I can get very circular with my thinking which leads to more negative emotions and it doesnt help. I also need to just let go of the fact that my house is going to drive me nuts at times and if I dont have time, I just dont have time. That is where my lack of control is mostly directed. Awareness is the first step to treatment as it is said in my field.

Maybe its not so much of a conclusion as its finally an admission that its happening to me. Its been nagging me since Maxim was 2 months old. Its not something I"m quick to even think about when I see other women with new babies because the newborn months are so hard. Also, I think I'm coping rather well most days which I notice in others hasnt been so easy. My issues are not debilitating like PPD can be for many mothers.

Intellectually, I'm completely aware that even the ones that supposedly should be immune to this sort of thing are not immune at all. Meaning, its hard to admit that something is wrong when you know the ins and outs of it and therefore should be able to prevent it or at least cope with it better than everybody else. Not true. Intellectually I know this. But somewhere in my pride its very hard to admit that this has been a problem. Unfortunately when you work in mental health, this mindset of personal immunity from the ailments you treat is very common so it will be hard for me to admit to others because many of my friends work in mental health.

So admission? Conclusion? I think its both. I'm still working of figuring out completely though. The personal relief I've felt from it since admitting it to myself has already done wonders on my mood and perspective. Next step is to speak with a trusted friend who specializes in PPD and get her thoughts before hashing it out any further. I think she'll keep my confidence about it and be able to help me navigate what is normal vs. abnormal as well.

September 12, 2009-September 12, 2010

2010-09-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

On September 12, 2009, I had a wedding to attend for DH's cousin in the Toronto area.

I had been feverishly peeing on pregnancy tests for 3 days before and all were negative. All because I had some spotting that I had never had before AF. Maybe, I thought, it was that so-called "implantation" spotting. Why I was peeing on sticks that much, that early, I'll never know...its a crazy obsession that comes over women trying to get pregnant and there is just no logic behind it really. We all lose our ever loving minds when it comes to conceiving a baby.

On September 12, 2009, I was around 12 DPO.

And got my first positive test.

It was a dollar store test but it was just enough to convince me that I shouldn't drink the wine at the wedding.

Not enough to convince me to tell DH about it though.

So off to the wedding we went and I had to keep my secret all day long, even with DH's family there. It was a long car ride, a long day trying to be cool about not drinking, trying to stay level and keep quiet. Nobody knew a thing. It was a lovely wedding, my first gay wedding (one big reason to love Canada...they think gays are alright to marry...Canada 1 USA 0) and the day was amazing. The happy couple put on a helluva party and we all had a great time.

And all day long, I had a secret.

Because really...a line is a line...even on a cheap test.

I really wanted to pee on a more expensive test. An FRER or a digital. The dollar store test was enough to make me not drink but not enough to really make me believe it.

Its funny the mental thing I had about tests. When buying the dollar store tests, I felt slightly embarrassed because I was just imagining that all these people thought I was utterly insane for buying 20 tests at the dollar store because HOW can it be that a dollar store test is even close to reliable?? I felt like a fraud...like I shouldnt even be buying them because grown up people who want to be pregnant buy real tests. But I knew I had an obsession with peeing on sticks and didnt want to blow beaucoup bucks on the expensive tests until I was certain it would be positive.

But the expensive $10 tests?? Waved those babies around like a banner. Well not really, I was still maintaining some sense of my dignity at that point but it was definitely a different sort of retail experience.

So I had a secret and it was fun and sweet and agonizing to keep to myself all at once. When dancing with DH, I looked into his eyes and the blissful thoughs that he was going to be the father of my baby filled my mind. I desperately wanted to tell him during that moment, dancing to "I'll Stand By You" by the Pretenders, that he was going to be a father.

We got back from the wedding on Sunday the 13th and I told DH we had to go to the grocery store. We only really needed milk but I really needed some more tests to pee on. He asked me why I was buying them and I said, well we are trying to have a baby so I would like to have a few on hand. Since I wasnt charting but had pretty regular cycles and could pinpoint O pretty easily even without the temping, I only had a vague idea of when I should test but on AF was due to show up on the 14th of September so I figured it was close enough.

I got more positives on the expensive tests. I think I had 6 tests all lined up for DH when I finally told him my little secret.

And then it became our secret.

Because I wanted to wait a week to when we would see his family in person and to call my family to share the happy news.

Somehow on Monday, my male friend at work found out without me even telling him. Its a funny story I'll have to share later and it became a running joke throughout my pregnancy. Then we told DH"s best friend...and then I called my best friend. But we swore them all to secrecy.

Fast forward....

On September 12, 2010 instead of testing, I am ovulating. I got my first AF back on August 25th, a year and one week since my last AF. I knew it was coming, Maxim has been sleeping through the night for 10 hours straight since he was 2.5 months old. He basically night weaned himself so I knew it was a matter of time. I cant believe he night weaned so early, I honestly expected to be night nursing for much much longer. But I certainly am not going to wake him up, especially when he is nursing great during the day and gaining weight appropriately. My first AF since last year made me feel like I was ten years old again when I got it the very first time in my life. It was an awful, brutal, ugly mess. I hope it isnt that bad anymore and goes back to normal.

Today on September 12, 2010, my 4 month old baby boy giggled at me for the first time. 4 month old. He is beautiful and amazing and more than I ever dreamed of when I peed on the stick one year ago today. More than DH and I ever expected and we are bursting with more love than is possible.

It is truly amazing. One year ago, he was a positive line on a test and just an abstract idea in my happy mind...just dividing cells implanted inside of my womb. Now he is a blue eyed, giggly, smiley, active little boy who is quickly growing into something so amazing every day.

No longer a line on a test, no longer an abstract idea in my mind, no longer in my womb but forever in my heart.

Sweet Boy

2010-09-11T10:55:00.000-07:00

Beautiful smile

I'm too sexy for my belly

Sporting new football BabyLegs for the NFL opener

Talking with Papa

I often have this face, he is so much like his mother.

Deep thoughts...is this exersaucer supposed to be fun, Maman?!

Holy hell....

2010-09-09T19:07:00.000-07:00

I just dropped $500 on glasses and contacts. How the hell do Canadians live??!! Thank god we have insurance but it will only cover $250 bucks...and $80 of that is going to the eye appointment to get my script updated. Holy shit....my husband is crapping himself....but the consolation is that I buy new frames every 5-8 years it seems so I'll be keeping them for awhile...but still...holy shit...

Other news...

**Naps suck. I've ranted about naps on every medium possible so I'll just end here. But seriously....I hate my life right now dealing with this. Pretty sure Maxim is hating his too and we're both kinda fed up with each other I think.

**Nap issues are not the worst thing I could be dealing with right now or ever. This too shall pass. Hopefully very very very quickly.

**He is also teething. Amber teething necklaces seem to be helping with the chewing and drooling.

**Maxim has his 4 month check up on Monday and the first of his 4 month vaccines. The doc splits up the two needles so his second will be later in September. The first time he had these shots at two months old, the second needle was much much worse. Knowing what to expect will make this easier to deal with this time around. I cant wait to get him weighed and measured, he has grown so much in 2 months.

**His hair is getting longer but not much thicker...and the back of his head just has very small baby hairs. His eyes are still a deep blue but with gray radiating off the pupil just like mine.

**Our master bedroom is once again cat free and kid free. I have a thing about my bedroom being an oasis. We dont have a TV in the room, the only electronics allowed are the alarm clock, my cell phone and the baby monitor. There are no pictures of family or the baby in our room, other than of DH and I together. The cat hair was cramping my style and we needed new bedding. So the cat is officially out of our room, after some major body slamming by the cat on our door. Maxim (and other future children) will be allowed in there in small doses of course but for the most part, it is the only room in the house we don't have to share and I want to keep it that way.

**I read a few David Sedaris books over the summer and will pick up a few more....I loved Naked and Me Talk Pretty One Day...hilarious.

**One of our groomsmen had their baby this week...6 weeks too early :(. She is a little trooper though but it was apparently quite scary for a bit there including bed rest for two weeks in August due to a small part of the placenta tearing away and pre-term contractions. Then last week they had an ultrasound and needed to plan a C-Section due to Vasa Previa. Apparently that is when the blood vessels cross the cervix and if the baby is born vaginally, the babe basically bleeds to death. It is usually diagnosed after the birth (and subsequent death) of the baby but they caught it before, thank goodness. But then it became an emergency (a serious emergency) C-Section on the 6th to get her out when mama started bleeding. The babe wasnt breathing or had much color.. They couldnt even see her for 10 hours and didnt get to hold her for almost 24 hours...can you imagine?! She has to be in NICU for 2-3 weeks but she seems to be improving and doing as well as can be expected. Again...my nap issues are small in comparison....

**Currently reading: The Eye of the Dragon by Stephen King (re-read), The Lion by Nelson Demille and World Without End by Ken Follett.

**Currently eating: Crushed ice...still a pregnancy obsession/quirk/craving of mine. I chewed on crushed ice all the time when pregnant and I'm still on it. My poor teeth...also, sweet corn, grilled asparagus, and bell peppers of all colors.

**Currently sleeping: About 10 hours for Maxim and 9 hours for me....wahoo!

**Currently watching: Design shows on TV like Divine Design and Take This House and Sell It. Also watching Wedding SOS and Rich Bride, Poor Bride.

**September plans: BBQ this weekend, DH is golfing next weekend so I will be with the MIL and then Maxim's baptism which my parents WILL be attending and flying in for the weekend...so excited!!

More Pics from our Trip

2010-09-02T07:42:00.001-07:00

Eventually I'll get a written update in here..Maxim has been a nap time monster for the last 2 weeks so needless to say we aren't getting much done around here during the day or at night. I'm fairly certain he is teething.

Country road...take me home...

Hay Bales at the farm

In the wheat field...my favorite of us together

Moments...

2010-08-26T19:01:00.000-07:00

There are many moments as a mother that I'm not proud of at all and scared to admit....

I have yelled at my 3 month old baby for crying uncontrollably. Obviously it doesnt work. It only makes him feel worse, cry louder, and me feel guilty.

I wonder what I've done to make him cry so much and why I can't soothe him back to his happy self.

I growl under my breath sometimes....sometimes its at him, sometimes at DH, sometimes at the cat.

I cuss way, way too much around him (not at him though, but still) and really need to get it under control before he really understands and starts think that "shit" is a good word to say in mixed company.

There are days when I have to consciously remind myself and say out loud "He is just a baby and it's not his fault. I am the adult here and its my job to help him navigate his way in his stressed out little world." There are days when I have to remind myself and my body that he senses my energy and I need to relax in order for him to relax.

Today is his 4th day in a row without a decent afternoon nap despite my every effort. By no nap, I mean he naps one hour in the morning and then only 20-45 minutes in the afternoon...its not enough at all. He is still sleeping 10 straight hours at night but his daytime is totally messed up and he is. Just. Plain. Crabby. He is so overtired by evening its insane. Last night, even my husband lost his cool. He cried for 3 hours straight until I finally turned on my blow dryer which seemed to be the right fix. Finally he fell asleep.

I need to get this boy a white noise machine.

Anyway, last night after he finally calmed down, just before he closed his eyes, he was sucking on his soother, wrapped up in his sleeping bag, his sweet little hands folded on top of mine on his chest, and he looked up at me with his deep blue eyes. His eyes at night are the best, they appear an even richer, darker blue than during the day, like the darkest parts of the ocean.

He was looking up at me with his little eyes and they appeared to plead with me...implore me...beg me..."Please maman...don't give up on me."

I teared up as I watched my son finally fall asleep. Teared up in exhaustion and remorse for the painful evening we had just endured together. Total surrender to his plea.

After ugly moments, there are beautiful, soul stirring moments. Moments that gently nudge and remind of what is really in the heart.

Mutual unconditional love...

Even when the crying and screaming is seemingly never ending. I love him.

Even when he won't take a nap and I can't get anything done. I love him.

Even when he has a massive blowout in the car seat. I love him.

Even when he barfs on my hand at the bookstore. I love him.

Even when I have to put him down and collect myself. He loves me.

Even when I don't always use nice words when he's around. He loves me.

Even when I raise my voice a little too loud. He loves me.

Even when I grumble at him, his dad or the cat. He loves me.

Even when he's on the edge of sleep after a bad night. He loves me.

Baby boy, I wont give up you if you wont give up on me. Promise. Forever.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-25T07:09:00.000-07:00

Home and Busy...

2010-08-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

We're home from the States and my house is in shambles.

You know when you return from a trip and there is just shit piled every which direction while you try to do laundry, get groceries, entertain the cat who was convinced you weren't coming back thus shedding out all of his hair EVERYWHERE in stress and promise the baby you wont put him in his car seat for the next week because 20 hours one way was more than enough for a lifetime for a 3 month old??

Yep...thats been life the last 3 days.

I promise an update and pics soon. Oh and that whole project I talked about...I havent forgot about it and plan to start it in September after summer is over and life is somewhat slowed down around here.

Oh and Maxim is 3 months now and quickly moving to 4 months....where does the time go??

Anyway, a real update soon! Promise! Here's a pic to tide you over...

Me and Maxim on my grandfather's farm

Whipping It Out....

2010-08-09T12:13:00.000-07:00

Hehe....such a funny phrase, "whipping it out."

I cant imagine my 40H bo.obs (yes you heard right...38C to 40H in 10 months...it's a bit freaky) being whipped anywhere...they are simply too heavy and cumbersome to move that fast. But naysayers of public nursing have said that many women "whip it out."

I'm not here to take up a cause about infant feeding. I just feed my baby. Most breast feeding mothers will say that though so I'm not saying anything earth shattering.

Earlier I had mentioned that when pregnant nursing in public freaked me out. Not witnessing others doing it, but me doing it. One of my friends was breast feeding her baby at home and said she never nursed in public because she couldnt just "whip it out" and always had a bottle at the ready if she went out in public. So it made me even more freaked out at the prospect of doing it when one of my friends was one of the naysayers.

At first I just nursed him at home and tried to manage his feedings with the time I would be out of the house. This was more for my comfort since he had such bad latch issues that it would sometimes take more than a minute or so to get him on properly. I also couldnt use a cover during this time because I really needed to see what he was doing down there. During this time, I was worried I would never be comfortable nursing outside the house since it was such a pain in the rear to get him on and feeding him in the first place.

When my parents got here for their visit, I moved my nursing sessions to the nursery while they sat in the living room. I did it for their comfort not mine since I wasnt sure how they felt about it but after the first day of it, I just moved out to the living room with them. I just didnt want to sit alone in the nursery while my parents were waiting for us and since nursing takes a lot of time throughout the day, it would mean a lot of lost conversation, laughs and fun times if I had stayed in exile. I falsely assumed that my parents would be uncomfortable with it when in fact, they behaved quite normally and said that it was a good thing to be nursing my baby. My mom and I had a discussion about nursing in public and generally came to the same philosphy about it.

After the magical 6 week mark, he started latching on right and it started getting easier. By this time, I was not confined to my house anymore but nursing at the cottage in front of DH's family for a few weeks. After the latch improved, I started nursing in front of my other friends at parties, my DH's frisbee games and at the table of the restaurants we went to together. At a friend's party, she offered her daughter's room as a place to nurse and change the baby. I only used her change table, I just nursed on the couch in the living room. A friend offered me a cover at a frisbee game but sort of backpedaled when she said it was to keep the sun out of his eyes and not to cover up the act itself. I dont know how they really feel about it but nobody has ever said anything to me.

My sister-in-law who wants to formula feed when she has children has said that I'm very discreet about feeding him which she meant as a compliment because she said her other friend has no regard for others, sprays them with milk on purpose and other silly things. My brother-in-law was squeamish about breast feeding because of this friend but now he doesnt even react at all when I nurse Maxim. I think my sister-in-law is more comfortable with it as well At a family party, my DH's 11 year old cousin was simply fascinated with the baby and sat next to me during every single feed to ask me questions about breast feeding, burping, napping, and other things about babies in general. She was so curious about everything and it was fun to talk to her about it and teach her a little bit too.

This week I'm attending my 10 year high school reunion. The friend I mentioned earlier who always had a bottle ready for public feeding offered her parents house to pump and feed Maxim "because they wont mind." Nah, thats ok...I'll just feed him wherever we are I told her but thanked her for the offer. She did it her way, I'm doing it my way. She thinks differently than me and neither of us are wrong. Nursing and my extended family like my grandparents will be interesting to be sure. I hope I'm pleasantly surprised to say the least.

So to sum it up after nursing in public for just over 2 months, its not that bad. In fact, its necessary for me to feel normal, to be able to enjoy being in public with my baby. Its not shameful or embarrasing. Its second nature now. I dont make a display of myself. I dont "whip it out." I don't use a cover unless I'm with people I've never met (DH's co-workers for example) and just feel uncomfortable around in general. I act normal so others act normal too. He's just eating and getting a little comfort after all.

Writing about my nursing experience is cathartic as well as a way to document these early days with my son. I didnt think I would write so much or have so much to say about the topic. I wouldn't say that I'm very passionate about infant feeding because ultimately one has to make choices that honor their family. But I am passionate about my baby and he's a big enough cause for me. Thanks for reading.

Inquiries and Comments

2010-08-06T10:26:00.001-07:00

"How long do you plan to nurse?"

"He sounds like he's just staaaaaaarving."

"Give him a bit of water, it won't mess with your supply."

"Chamomile tea worked for your sister to calm her down."

"When are you giving him pablum?"

"Breast milk doesn't really have any value past 6 months."

"Is he sleeping through the night yet?"

These are probably the most common things I've heard or answered in the last 3 months, especially the first one about how long we will nurse and the last one about sleeping.

The first one always surprises people when I say exclusively for 6 months and then to a year with solids. I'm not sure why the amount of time matters to people because quite frankly, it should only matter to the nursing family. I answer this one as politely as possible and with as much patience as possible. However, I don't justify it with any explanation or reasons why because I don't feel the need to explain myself unless the person is asking with genuine interest. So far I've only been asked by Canadians and my parents though...it will be interesting to answer these questions next week when we travel to the States to visit my family.

The staaaaarving thing came from my mother on their last night here when Maxim would NOT settle down no matter what we did, other than feed him. He was in serious cluster feeding mode and working on his 6 week growth spurt. At that point, I could pump a solid 5 oz from each breast which is a bit oversupply (most women can only pump 1-3 oz per session) and I actually pumped just after feeding him to show my mother that he was in fact not starving (because I barely got an ounce of milk from the pump) as well as to explain that breast fed babies cluster feed (formula fed babies do as well but its slightly different) and that he's behaving normally. She was seriously skeptical though. I stuck to my guns about it though and she respected it.

The water and chamomile came from her too. My sister had serious colic...even I remember it and I was only 6 when she was born. The neighbor lady had apparently suggested chamomile tea and it apparently worked to settle her down. Mom also suggested some water between feeds to "keep him full." Breast fed babies do not need extra water...the breast milk changes to hydrate the baby in the beginning of the feed and then fatten them up when the hindmilk starts flowing. In fact it is potentially dangerous to give young babies under 6 months water as they can not process it properly. Maxim does NOT have colic but he does behave like a normal baby with normal fussy hours. Fussy hours are normal because often the babe is overstimulated and stressed from the day and needs to get it out. I explained all of this to my mother (well minus the water/tea thing because I dont think I would have convinced her anyway since it seemingly worked for my sister). His fussy hours started right around 7 weeks and they lasted until 10 weeks with a predictable period of crying from 8:30-10:00pm. DH is amazing at soothing him so between the cluster feeding and soothing, we survived. Maxim now has maybe one night of fussiness that cant be soothed easily but now his predictable fussy hours are much less.

The pablum question has been leveled at DH from his co-workers almost weekly since Maxim was 3 weeks old. They have always added onto the question that "the baby will sleep longer if you give him some pablum." DH asked me just once if we would be giving Maxim pablum and I said no we would not be giving him anything but breast milk until he was 6 months old and then explained to him why I felt this was best for Maxim. From what I've read, I've decided for our family that pablum doesnt have any real value other than "filling him up." He gets everything he needs from the milk and I dont mind getting up to nurse him.

As for the value of breast milk, I've just explained to those women that the breast milk changes as the baby grows and that it is still valuable past the newborn and 6 months stage. I dont get into it any further than that because then I feel like I am justifying my choices.

As for sleeping through the night, people seem to have this false idea that all babies should sleep 12 hours from 7pm to 7am from the time they are 6 weeks old....wrong. Some babies are wonderful sleepers and some are up every 2-3 hours for many months. All babies are different and yet it seems to be a testament to your ability to parent based on your child's sleep patterns. I have been blessed with a wonderful sleeper, thank my lucky stars. I think he is just as lazy as my DH and I and loves his sleep. My baby wont sleep for the night at 7pm but he does cat nap. In fact, he wont go down any earlier than 10pm and believe me, we've tried. He has been sleeping from 10:30pm or 11:00pm until anywhere between 5-7:30am since he was about 8 weeks old. Every now and then it may be earlier than 5am but not all that often. I dont do anything special other than feed him on both sides before putting him down. After he wakes up for the first time, I'll feed him both sides and then he'll go back down for another 3-4 hours. Seriously, I think its partly because he's been in his crib since day one and most of it I'm sure is because I'm just lucky.

Most of the questions and comments I've gotten havent been that bad and I havent gotten too annoyed. I guess I take it as an opportunity to talk about my normal breast fed baby and to give a little information about breast feeding in general. I try to frame it in a non-argumentative manner because they did it their way, we're doing it our way and neither way is wrong. I think by framing it that way with a firm tone, as in this is what we've decided and we're sticking to it for our baby and gently reminding that he's normal as opposed to...le sigh, you're a douche bag leave me alone. Instead of me getting insulted or annoyed, people have been more accepting and respectful when they see that we've done our research, we know our baby and what he needs and seem confident in our decisions.

In the Beginning...

2010-08-05T11:36:00.000-07:00

Within the first 10 minutes of my son's birth, he was placed on my chest skin-to-skin. It was the most magical moment I've ever experienced. My favorite pictures of us are those first few taken during that precious time. Within the first hour after all the excitement died down, my son and I started to nurse.

After being on IV fluids for 2 days and then gripping the bed rail to push my son out, my left hand was the size of a blown up latex glove. It was insane and it hurt immensely. They wouldn't let me take the IV out of my hand until I peed though. So I was stuck with a hand I couldn't use very well. In addition, my breasts were enormous, filled with fluid. So enormous that my already flat nipples had no chance of protruding properly so they gave me a nipple shield to help with nursing. They also gave me a pump to use and taught me how to do the football hold because they said it would be an easier position given the size of my fluid-filled balloons. My hand was a foreign object on my body though, and it just made it so much harder to hold him properly. When the IV finally came out, it felt amazing and my hand immediately shrunk back down to its normal size.

We were left to our own devices after the baby was born and only got checked on if we called them or had to fill out paperwork. It was nice to be left alone but it didnt help me to get a good start with nursing. I knew very well that the baby was only getting a little bit of colostrum and that his little tummy only held so much at a time but when the nurses did come in and I wasn't nursing, they said he's hungry. Well how did they know? They werent in the room with us the entire day. My DH had his finger in Maxim's mouth at one point and they asked if he was hungry...no he had just finished nursing and wanted to continue to suckle.

We went home and Maxim slept for 6 hours before eating again. We spent the day at home, nursing and marveling at our new baby. The third day after his birth, we had to go back to the hospital to see the nurse for a well-baby check. My milk was not quite in yet but I could tell that it would be in soon because they were starting to feel heavy.

It did not go well. She was nice but a bit of a battle-axe too. My husband is very systematic in his thought processes and he needs lists, instructions and key-phrases for Googling. The nurse was mostly talking to him because she said I wouldnt remember because I was so tired. When he asked for a pamphlet or a pad of paper, she said "You'll just remember it because she won't." DH was so frustrated and I felt so bad for him. She admonished me for not pumping after every feed due to the nipple shield and she said that Maxim was jaundiced (his bilirubin levels were fine prior to discharge) and lost almost 10% of his weight. She gave us phone numbers for the pediatric unit "just in case but I think he'll be fine" for the weekend in the event that we felt the need to go to the hospital for a jaundice eval. She instructed us to nurse and then pump for 20 minutes after every feed, wake him every 3 hours to eat and give him 1 oz of formula until my milk came in and then expressed breast milk. She readily gave us a package of pre-made formula and I was too tired to protest saying I didnt want it because everything she was telling me about his jaundice and weight was NORMAL. I didnt want to give him a bottle, I knew it could possibly mess with his already precarious latch. My DH didnt know either and he likes solutions to problems right away. She also seemed snarky when she asked about my eating and sleeping as if it was my fault I wasn't sleeping well..."so you're eating ok but you're sleep quality is poor." Well no shit sherlock...I just had a baby 3 days ago and for the first 24 hours I was running on adrenaline, no wonder I'm crashing and exhausted...growl...snark...kiss my ass lady.

Anyway, I was so wiped out after an hour of listening to her that I almost fell asleep in the car on the way home. It was exhausting because my tired mind was running a mile a minute trying to keep up with her and then questioning myself. So instead of listening to the voice in my head about what I already knew...I pumped for 20 minutes after every feed and we gave him some formula as well.

That weekend I started to resent the pump....especially when my MIL came over to take the baby away from my DH while he is trying to parent and I'm stuck in the nursery feeling like a dairy cow. Especially when I couldnt enjoy those visits with them right away and they acted as if I didnt matter. I gave in to the formula in the middle of the night when I was so tired from pumping and nursing. It just plain sucked.

On that Monday, a different nurse came by the house as is protocol and we had a discussion about nursing, his weight etc etc. He had gained 4 oz over the weekend but was still jaundiced. She said to keep nursing and giving him bottles after feeds to get his weight up and jaundice out. She gave me tips with his latch and positioning which really helped a lot. She said she would come back on Friday to weigh him again.

She came back and he had only gained 2 oz. I was nearly in tears because I was so frustrated. My nipples were sore and cracked, he wasnt gaining like she wanted to see and he was still jaundiced. I knew in the back of my mind that the jaundice was still normal. Maxim also had a very bad fire-engine red diaper rash. She said its probably thrush, I said it was probably the diapers because I had heard the Pampers dipes were giving babies really bad rashes. She said it was thrush because of my nipple pain and I argued that it was simply a really bad latch. Then I started to question my supply and she gave me information on herbs and ways to increase my supply. But I didnt really think supply was a problem, I really felt like it was the latch. My husband was so confused and just wanted answers on how to do this and help me.

I nearly gave up. I was so frustrated. My breasts were screaming at me, my husband was so confused and I was so tired of pumping. He said that I could stop only if I felt like I had tried everything because he knew that it was important to me to nurse. I said I gotta make it to 6 weeks, it'll get better then. I said I'm not paying for formula, I need to fix his latch.

That night, I said no more bottles. He was going on the boob whether he liked it or not. We worked all weekend to fix his latch. Every single time he went on, he went on wrong and every single time I pulled him off to fix it. It was exhausting. By Monday I threw the nipple shield away because it wasnt helping anymore and I knew it was about breast feeding not nipple feeding. I did block feeding to heal my sore nips, I changed positions, I stopped pumping completely and just nursed. I worked, he worked...we worked hard to fix his latch.

The nurse came back that Thursday and he had gained 11 oz in less than a week!! She was shocked and asked me how I did it. Satisfied and happy, I said he went off the bottles and we just worked really hard together to make it work. I knew after that appointment with her, we would be ok.

The 3 week growth spurt was brutal. The cluster feeding at night was brutal. It was not a fun 6 weeks at all. At times it drove me nuts to just be nursing constantly day in and day out. It felt like a lot of my time was spent nursing. It was but looking back it wasn't as bad as it felt at the time. There were times I felt isolated and alone. There were times I wanted to cry because he was demanding me again.

And there were beautiful moments too. When he would fall off the breast, clearly milk drunk and satisfied. When my DH said he was proud of me. Reminding myself that he wouldn't stay little forever and wouldn't want to cuddle forever. When I got up in the middle of the night knowing he needed ME and only me, it made it easier to think of it that way instead of disrupted sleep.

If I hadn't had the information in my head and had not stopped listening to the well-meaning but bad advice, I would have given up. Without my supportive and amazing DH cheering me on, I would have given up. Hell, without my bull-headed stubborness I would have given up.

I said in my previous post that we were deciding that we would breast feed Maxim. Me and my DH were going to breast feed, not just me. Because while I'm the one with the equipment, it takes both people to make it work in my opinion. The only support I had was him in those early weeks and without him, we wouldn't have made it.

Next: Inquiries and Public Nursing

Contemplation and Preparation

2010-08-04T08:05:00.000-07:00

In the stages of "planning" for parenthood before trying to conceive, I contemplated how we would feed our new baby. I come from a family of formula feeders. I figured that breast feeding would be very challenging for me without the appropriate support. My family members are quite ignorant about breast feeding because they didn't do it and didn't have models for breast feeding. So they have all the myths and misinformation about breast feeding in their minds, not the truth and facts. So I debated knowing this and wondered if I would be able to do it without them behind me 100%. My mother would never question my parenting choices but she did question whether or not breast feeding would work. I wondered if I would be able to make it work too.

I don't believe there is anything wrong with feeding formula at all if the family chooses to do so. But I was reading material and debates online about formula vs. breast milk and my mind started to turn the other way about feeding our baby. My husband said that he preferred that we breast feed our baby but that he would leave the final decision to me.

I soon learned that there is a stark cultural difference in Canada versus the United States when it comes to breast feeding. Breast feeding is somewhat protected by the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms however, only Ontario and British Columbia have specific details regarding the rights of breast feeding mothers. In addition, Canada has up to 50 weeks of maternity and parental leave for parents which helps foster a healthy breast feeding relationship. In the States, maternity leave is much shorter in duration and unpaid in many cases. In addition, the rights for breast feeding mothers is based on state laws and not all states recognize the rights in the same manner.

I distinctly remember one of my aunts attempting to breast feed my cousin who was 2 weeks early and "small" (about 6 lbs). I was 20 years old and had never seen it before. I remember feeling slightly fascinated and somewhat embarrassed that I was seeing my aunts breasts in that manner. I also remember the comments from my very ignorant, asshole grandfather. My aunt is small-breasted so he would make comments like "those small tit.ties cant make enough for that baby." "She is starving that baby, that baby isn't gaining any weight." "How does she know how much that baby is getting, does she have a gauge on those bo.obs?" "She should cover herself up, we don't need to see that." I remember feeling sorry for her as she struggled with only her mother to support her and then she eventually gave up after only two weeks. I don't know if she didn't have enough support and information, if she had a low supply or if she decided that she just didn't want to do it.

Witnessing and hearing those things had a profound effect on me and I figured I would never breast feed after that. What was the point if I was just going to hear comments and garbage from people that don't get it? And who will help me if I try? Formula just seemed so much easier rather than dealing with all of that. Also, at that point I was still viewing my breasts as purely sexual and not for feeding.

Anyway, the more I did my own research and reading, the more I wanted to "try it." DH was really on board for it and with his family of whom some women did breast feed, I figured I had a good chance at making it work. I resolved to give it 6 weeks and do the very best I could. I read up on it incessantly, all the potential roadblocks, all the norms of a breast fed baby, everything, so that when the time came, I would have an idea of what to expect and how to arm myself with facts to disarm the potential naysayers. I started to believe that breast feeding would be easier than formula feeding too. I blogged in my pregnancy about a conversation I had at work with a friend that breast fed her babies and she said many times that breasts and breast milk are magical. She is a true advocate without judgment or veiled passive-agressive guilt inducing statements and her influence on me during the pregnancy was huge.

When I got pregnant, my breasts changed immediately. I was a 38 C and went to a 40DD in 12 weeks time. I was blown away and slightly freaked out about the size they would be when my milk came in after the birth. They became vein-y and darker and just plain alien to me. My nips are flat so I worried about the challenges that may have come from that. I kept in mind throughout the pregnancy that I would "try" but that it may not work for me and no matter what happened, I would be a good mother and not worry myself with the comments or opinions of others.

As for breast feeding in public, when I was pregnant, I did not believe I would be able to comfortably breast feed in public without a cover and even then I believed I would probably find a corner to hide myself in so that I could feed my baby in private without all eyes on me. This worried me greatly and I felt that it would be incredibly isolating but I didn't know how to feel about it other than intense fear. Fear that I would hear comments or be told to go away, fear that I wouldn't be able to step out into public without a bottle of expressed milk in tow.

I thought it would be hard but I had no idea how hard it actually is in the beginning. Nobody really tells you how hard it will be or how hard anything when it comes to a baby will be when the wee one arrives and changes your life.

World Breastfeeding Week

2010-08-03T13:56:00.000-07:00

August 1-7 is World Breastfeeding Week. I'm going to write few posts about my breastfeeding journey this week but for now, a picture of me and my almost 3 month old nursling.

Blog Anniversary

2010-07-20T16:34:00.001-07:00

One year ago today I started this blog to write my thoughts on married life, babies, work, spirituality, body image, important issues for women...

So far its been mostly about work, pregnancy and babies.

Because I dont know when I'll return to work but definitely have to return by next May, work wont be much of a topic this year. So instead this year I resolve to work through a book I bought last year called Life Lessons for Women which is part of the Chicken Soup series. So in part, I'll be putting my thoughts about each of these life lessons once every two weeks on this blog.

And of course, updating on my sweet boy and my life as a mother. Other musings about other topics that come up will surely be put here as well.

Here we go...year two!

Mama Got Into The Wine....

2010-07-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, we had my friend's Dirty 30 birthday party at another friend's cottage. Pig roast, potluck, lots of booze, sunshine, good friends and laughs. Maxim was with us all day and did so well...he napped most of the day in his stroller. We arranged for my in-laws to pick up Maxim at 7pm after his feed at that time. They arrived at 7pm just in time and Maxim was crying! I felt so badly for him, even though he was just fussy not really mad at anything. Anyway, I put him in the car seat, kissed him goodbye and away he went with his grandparents. It was a little emotional since he was crying in his car seat (but I didnt cry!!) but apparently as soon as they started backing out, he fell asleep. They were at their cottage which is only 15 minutes down the road so it was nice to know he was close but in very capable hands.

DH and I partied all night. The pig was just getting done when Maxim left so we had a nice dinner. I got into the wine and after 2 full beer cups of red wine, I was quite happy. Played some beer pong and sat around the fire until 2am. My mind only went to Maxim when I knew his fussy hour was starting and his bedtime, hoping he would do ok and not be too hard on them. I had to pump twice to relieve my aching bo.obs (at 12am and then again at 8am), got up at 10am and got back to my in-laws cottage by `1:00am just in time to nurse Maxim.

He did so well. His routine hadnt changed at all, he went to bed at 11:00 like normal, and woke up at 5:30 for them. He was good all morning, playing with his uncles. We got there at 11:00am and he started to fuss so I changed him and he nursed. My in-laws really enjoyed their night with him too.

It was so nice to have a baby free night and I'm grateful for my in-laws in taking him and I was so happy to have my baby back on Sunday too. I appreciate him so much more when I get a break. We had a really fun weekend!

Many Faces

2010-07-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

Checking out the dogs

Fell asleep in the Bumbo

Trying to stay cool and potentially contemplating the theory of relativity...
or when to fill his diaper

Nap time with Maman at the cottage

Maxim and Figaro

Maxim is 2 Months!!

2010-07-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

"Because there has never been anyone like you, ever in the world.
So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain
that they whispered the sound of your wonderful name."
~On The Night You Were Born~

Maxim is now 2 months old and he continues to amaze us daily. He had his two month well-baby check yesterday. He now weighs in at 11lbs 5 oz and he is 22.5 inches long. He had his first vaccination yesterday and we go back in two weeks for the second needle.

Maxim rolled over last week and he has started charming us with his beautiful smiles too. He can finally wear normal clothes instead of onesies and pyjamas all the time. He can also bear weight on his little legs and he follows us with his head and eyes when we move about the room. He gets really excited when DH comes home from work.

He sleeps anywhere from 5-6 hours at night after going to bed at around 10:30pm. He wakes up to eat and then will sleep another 4-5 hours. He also has a regular nap time in the afternoon between 12:30 and 2pm. Predictable sleep is awesome!

He nurses 6-8 times a day. Maxim eats like a champ and he makes me laugh. When he is hungry and sees the bo.ob, he starts flailing his arms like gym class arm circles, makes a high-pitched noise like "oooo, oooo, oooo" and opens his mouth really wide. He also smiles a lot while nursing which melts my heart. He gets rather impatient during his middle of the night feed because I change his diaper before feeding him. After I latch him on, I always say "See, its quick service around here, you got nothing to complain about!" Maxim takes the bottle really well too which is nice for DH to get a chance to feed him too.

He still has a regular fussy hour in the evening around 8:30 which can be taxing on DH. DH is the super soother and works wonders to calm him down. We're hoping that will improve with time.

Maxim loves walks in the stroller. He also likes the sling which is super helpful for shopping.

Maxim is a very good, happy baby. We are so blessed!

Long-Distance Grandparents

2010-07-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a really hard post to write but I have to get it out.

My in-laws live 90 minutes from us. We spend over half of our weekends a year with them, a majority in the summer because their cottage is only 45 minutes away. We rarely miss a family event. I do get along with my in-laws for the most part and feel blessed that we have a good relationship with them. They drive me insane sometimes, but that is bound to happen from time to time.

My parents live 900 miles away. So far we have seen them twice a year, about every 6 months. We have committed to every other Christmas back home with them since we got married and will continue to do this.

If we had moved to the States, it isnt likely we would be very close distance-wise to them due to my career field. I havent lived close to them in 5 years since I first moved away when I went to grad school. For the most part, living apart hasnt been rosy but it hasnt been super difficult either. We enjoy the weeks we get to see them and we keep in contact by phone weekly.

DH's family has often called me "brave" for moving so far away from my family. I dont feel brave at all, it was just something I sacrificed for my DH because he didnt want to move far away from his family. It wasnt such a big sacrifice when it was just the two of us.

When I was pregnant, it was hard not to have my family nearby. It made me sad that I didnt get to announce my pregnancy in person to them, instead settling for phone calls home. I never got to go shopping with my mother for cute baby clothes or baby stuff...I had to settle for my mother-in-law and I do not like shopping with her. My parents got to see my bump through Facebook pictures, not in person like everybody else. She, my aunts and my sister were not at our baby shower. Instead, I opened my parents package last knowing I would burst into tears anyway missing them and then friggin lost it with the ugly cry when I saw the gift they sent to me (a mini hockey jersey from my university). My parents didnt buy us much for the baby because my in-laws took over and bought all of the big items even when I asked them to wait and consider my parents too.

When Maxim was born, he was two weeks early and my parents had planned their trip up here to be 2 weeks after his due date. So they didnt get here until he was a month old. It made me incredibly sad that my parents, siblings and other family members didnt get to hold our brand newborn baby. I was slightly bitter that DH's family got to gush over our new baby, but my parents and family didnt. I dont have those precious pictures of them with him when he was that small but I love the photos I do have with them together. The rest of my family including my grandparents wont meet him until August when he will be 3 months old.

My friends dont understand how blessed they are to have their parents nearby. They may interfere at times and that is definitely frustrating but at least they still have them. I wonder daily when we'll ever get a date night to ourselves again because my DH doesnt want to pay for a babysitter and we dont have readily available and willing grandparents in town. Its not easy for us to just drop the baby off at Grandma's for the afternoon so we can sleep, go shopping or spend time together. We'll never be able to do that, it will always take weeks of planning ahead. I dont empathize with their complaints at all right now.

When my in-laws went on their trip recently, my MIL said "oh its going to be so hard and he's going to change so much in the 2 weeks we are gone." In front of my parents and me. I was really pissed off about it. Its incredibly insensitive of her to think this way and then say it in front of my parents when they would LOVE to have only 2 weeks between visits.

Then this weekend, DH's aunt said that "we're lucky that you are from far away because we get to see you and Maxim lots." Meaning far from my family so they get all the time with the baby that they want. Again...really insensitive and I just about lost it on her and burst into tears. Instead I clammed up, kissed my baby over and over and stopped talking to her, even when she tried to keep talking to me.

They also say "you must miss your parents a lot. They must miss the baby a lot."

I dont just miss my parents anymore. I used to miss them. Its more than missing them now. I have a large gaping hole in my heart that feels empty because they arent here. It is an empty pit in my stomach. I am scared that my son wont know the other half of his family. I'm mad that some of the family traditions we have, we wont get to share easily with my son. I fear that instead of running to my parents with a laugh and joy in his eyes when we see them, he'll be scared and shy and turn away not knowing them and their love. I have a very close relationship with all of my grandparents and I so hope that for my son too. We have webcams to make the connection easier but its not the same....it will never be the same as hugs, kisses, bags of candy, little toys, and I love you's in person.

I just wish for once that I would get a deep heartfelt thank you from DH...and from his family. For making this sacrifice I've made...for them. In 3 years, I've never been thanked for doing what I've done for them. My DH is very happy I've moved here with him and I dont doubt him. The least my in-laws could do is just simply thank me instead of making insensitive comments. I made a huge sacrifice for them and its really looming in my face now that my baby is here.

DH and I did long-distance before we got married. That was hard. Long-distance grandparents will be infinitely more difficult.

Randomness

2010-06-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

A post of random thoughts

I love breast.feeding. It is a joy to spend this time with my son, nourishing and nurturing him. It is NOT easy at first but it has been worth it 1000 times over since I've stuck with it. More on nursing in later posts.

I am not cut out to be a stay at home mother. I reserve the right to change my thoughts on this after he turns 3 months and things supposedly get easier. Dont get me wrong...my baby is easy to please most of the time and he is a great baby. But I need a schedule, adult interaction, and to get out of the house daily. Newborns are wonderful squishy little creatures but they sure are demanding, more demanding than I expected.

I miss being pregnant sometimes. Other days I do not. I cannot wait to be pregnant again. We wont try for at least 2-3 years though.

The cat is a shithead. He's good with the baby, a very good cat, but a shithead. I think he's still adjusting to the baby but he is doing his darndest to be annoying in the meantime.

I do not do well with his evening fussy period. Crying after I've done everything I can think of (nurse, change, rock, play, rinse and repeat) drives me up the wall. My husband is much more patient than me. I think its because I have him all day long. I also think my husband is a super soother compared to me and my son prefers his dad in the evenings because he's been with me all day. Thank god I dont have a colicky baby...I dont know how those mothers do it.

I think my belief in a higher power has increased since my son's birth. How does one explain this miracle we have in our lives, this miracle we conceived and my body nurtured, this miracle that has two non-perfect halves into a perfect, whole little being...without a higher power?

My husband is fabulous. I knew I was a lucky gal before, but my god...he's blown me away. My son is the luckiest little boy. Every week at least, my husband gazes at our son and asks me "we actually made THIS?" Yes dear, we did and isnt it amazing? I love him more than ever, more than I could ever say or express to him.

I miss work. A lot. More than I expected. I think I miss my friends at work more than working but I definitely miss the steady routine, the challenges with clients, the professional chats, the lunch dates with friends, the laughter, and the people.

CSI re-runs on Spike are a blessing. Keeps me occupied when nursing and playing with the baby. Daytime television otherwise sucks.

Motherhood is wonderful but not easy. In fact, sometimes it sucks. There I said it. Motherhood is not blissful all the time, it is not rainbows and puppy dogs shooting out my ass all the time. My one friend who has a 3 month old would like to make me believe it every time I see her....but I dont believe her or anybody else that raves about how wonderful it is all the time. Because it isnt wonderful all the time. 95% of the time I love being a mother. The other 5% of the time I wish for my old carefree life back and wonder when I'll feel sexy again without smelling like spoiled milk and baby poo. This new normal is taking awhile to adjust but it is worth it when I look into my baby's eyes.

Speaking of sexy, I wonder if my DH still finds me sexy despite smelling like spoiled milk and baby poo.

We havent done the deed since before the baby was born...never got the chance to try those natural induction strategies. And I'm still spotting which is why we havent done the deed....but I desperately miss sex and that connection with my husband. Very soon I hope...like in July would be good...please body cooperate already.

Diapers sure are confusing. More specifically, the sizing.

I miss my parents. A lot. More on that later.

My son is beautiful. Perfect.

Pics of my Little Maxim

2010-06-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

Here are some pics from our first month with Maxim! I must have taken 200 photos already....he's quite photogenic if I do say so myself :)

Beautiful eyes

Talking with maman

"Blue Steel" pose

He loves story time

Trying out the Bumbo

On The Night You Were Born...

2010-06-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

I found this beautiful book, "On the Night You Were Born" before Maxim was born and I fell in love with the opening words.

~~On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered, "Life will never be the same."~~

It is true sweet Maxim, life has not been the same since you rocked our world one month ago.

Some notes about your first month:

You made breast feeding very hard on Mommy for the first two weeks but you eat wonderfully now. It really wasnt you, but bad advice. Maman stopped listening to the nonsense and listened to herself...things got much better. You eat like your pa-pere....verrrry slowly. Because of this, sometimes we call you Gerry because it makes us laugh. Thankfully you eat quickly at night...you love your sleep like maman and papa.

Speaking of sleep, you are sleeping in 4-5 hour stretches now. Sometimes, maman sleeps in the chair with you on my chest because you wont settle back down for a bit. It is not hard to wake up to feed you either. Your little peepers looking up at me from your crib and your instant calm when I tend to your needs makes maman feel good.

Everybody and I do mean everybody comments on how tiny you are. Also they comment on how long your fingers, feet and legs are. It looks like you are built like your papa and you are still quite lean and thin. You're pretty much the sweetest baby ever.

Your first outing was to Ma Mi's cottage. You also have gone to a few of papa's frisbee practices and games. You sleep most of the time.

You can lift your head and you recognize maman and papa now. You havent smiled for us yet, other than those beautiful milk drunk smiles after eating. Its only a matter of time.

Your papa is hopelessly, desperately in love with you. You are the luckiest little boy ever and your maman is equally lucky to have him as a partner. He misses you when he goes to work and he picks you up as soon as he gets home at night. He is a diaper changing champion and the best soother for those rare fussy hours. He loves talking to you and he sings to you when you're fussy. One night, he was singing Our Lady Peace to you and maman's heart melted. You also like listening to him sing random made up songs in French too. Little boy, your papa is so so proud of you.

Maman is also hopelessly in love with you too. Everyday gets better and better, wee one. Our days are spent inside most of the time but we will start some outings soon. You enjoy your stroller and have gone on a few walks. Maman loves to read to you too. So far Harold and the Purple Crayon and Where the Wild Things Are have been our go-to stories. Maman also plays music for you, especially Dave Matthews Band. You seem to recognize a few of the songs and they soothe you. Maman loves cuddling you and holding you close. Sometimes I wish you would stay this small forever.

Monsieur Maxim, on the night you were born....your papa and I became parents to the most beautiful little boy...and we have not been the same.

Father and Son....

2010-05-26T16:44:00.001-07:00

The greatest moments of satisfaction as a wife and mother and the biggest feelings of love and adoration I feel for my husband come when I watch him with our son.

Pictures

2010-05-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

Maxim Rheal Todd

2010-05-16T07:43:00.000-07:00

Our baby BOY arrived 2 weeks early!! Here is the birth story and some pics!!

After 58 hours of start and stop induced labor, Maxim Rheal Todd was born via vacuum-assisted vaginal delivery on Tuesday May 11th at 5:29pm. He weighed 6 lbs, 9 ounces and is 19 inches long.

Long Story

On Saturday May 8th, it was my birthday. I requested that my DH clean the bathrooms and vaccuum the floors for me before heading to the spa. I went to the spa for 4 hours and had a pedicure and facial...a total and complete heaven of relaxation. After, we headed to dinner at an Italian restaurant with 6 friends who all came over to our house after dinner for the ufc pay-per-view fight.

On Sunday morning at 7:30am, I was waking up and felt a slight pop. I figured it was just some extra mucuous so off to the washroom to go. After I went, I kept leaking so I changed my undies thinking my bladder was just still full and leaking. Then I leaked some more but it wasnt gushing. Finally I got out of bed around 8:00am, had breakfast and let DH sleep. Everytime I stood, I leaked. Then I knew it was likely fluid. So I got DH up around 9:00am and said, we need to get ready this morning because we may need to go to L and D to get checked out. I started tearing up as I was making the bed, realizing it was probably the last time we would wake up alone without a baby.

After puttering around the house, we left for L and D and got there at 12:30. They put me in triage for assessment and at 1:30, I saw my first OB, Dr W(1) (he was my real OB too) who said he was admitting me because it was definitely fluid. They checked me out and I was fingertip dilated and 20% effaced. So he said that they would let me be and see if labor would start on its own. I had until the next morning before any interventions would take place. I was placed on intermittent monitoring and encouraged to walk the ward, move and distract myself.

So DH and I watched a movie, he went to get Subway for dinner and we just waited. And waited. No contractions, nothing. The night nurse encouraged me to get as much rest as possible because Monday was going to be a long day once they started induction. So I tried. I slept for 2 hours total on Sunday night. I just couldnt relax or make my mind stop. Plus the bed was soooo uncomfortable despite my best efforts. At 5am, I was sitting in the rocking chair in the room, listening to my IPOD, watching the sunrise over the lake and my DH sleep. I started to cry, thinking of our lives together, reflecting on so much. I felt the little one move inside me and I knew I would be meeting he or she soon so I was savoring every little kick. It was beautiful and surreal.

Monday morning, Dr W(2) (two doc with W's) was on call and came to check me. I was "tighter than tight" and he started discussing the induction and how difficult it would be since I had made no progress. He mentioned all the risks of induction and said that a C-Section was very likely on Tuesday if my body did not progress. The plan was to keep me on the drip until 12am and the re-assess. I hadnt planned to call anybody during labor but I called my mom...I really needed the support. So updated her but asked her to not tell anybody else. So at 11:00am, I went on the Pitocin drip and waited. Contrax started 2 hours later and were ok and tolerable. I did lots of rocking in the rocking chair and deep breathing to cope. Around 5pm, the contrax were coming every 1-2 minutes and lasting a minute. At that point, I couldnt handle the contrax and my fatigue...I had been awake for so long without good rest. They checked me at I was only 1CM and barely soft. I asked for some Nubane which they also give with Gravol. At that point, I got super loopy and DH and I managed to get some rest. Around 7:30, the meds were wearing off and the contrax were getting painful again. I was in tears. The night nurse came on and asked me about an epi. I said, and epi was a last resort. I labored for another hour. In the next room, a woman was having her baby. I could hear her screaming and her team cheering her on and eventually that little baby started wailing. I lost my mind. I told DH I couldnt do this....I wanted MY BABY...that woman came AFTER me and was having hers. I could hear babies all across the floor...and some people had been discharged in the time I had been there. It was my breaking point. The night nurse knew this and called the doc. Doc agreed to take me off the drip for the night and be given more Nubane/Gravol to sleep. I went off the drip at 9:00pm, took a shower thru contrax and the contrax stopped 45 minutes later. I was so discouraged...all that work and time for literally nothing. The Nubane and Gravol knocked me right out and I managed to sleep about 6-7 hours that night. I had NO further contrax and very minor cramping.

At 5:40am on Tuesday I was wide awake and they put me on the drip. The anesthetist was called at 7:30 and they said they would try to get my epi before they started in OR for the day. I contracted and labored. By 9:00am I was losing my mind because the doc still hadnt showed up. I was in tears and losing it, I did not want to go through another day of hard labor. Dr K the on call OB came and said he was giving me 6 hours to labor and then it would be off for a c-section. The risk for infection was so high. Finally at 10:00am, the epi doc showed up. I have a lower back sensitivity from a fall in college and it took him several attempts to get the epi in. The epi administration was so intense...the pain was awful. I was screaming from the epi attempts and then screaming during contrax. I heard the door open and close and figured my DH just left the room which was fine. About 5 minutes later, the floor clerk comes in and says Mrs B, your husband is going to ER (which is in a separate hospital a block away)...they found him two floors down ready to pass out. The epi doc was right PISSED! He said no way...bring him back up here, put him in a room with some juice and food...he's just reacting to his wife being in pain. The epi doc was AWESOME! He said to me, dont worry about him...big, healthy strong men have this reaction all the time. Its perfectly normal. So finally after 30 minutes, the 20 minutes the epi was in and 10 minutes later I was basically numb. My DH came back to the room with some juice and crackers. He appeared a little embarrassed at first but I reassured him that I loved him and it was ok. He found it funny and said it would be a story he would share. He said he only thought he was going to vomit and didnt want to vomit with me in the room so he tried to get outside for some fresh air...but he only made it to the 2nd floor when someone came on the elevator and saw him almost pass out. Afer the Epi, I was checked again....only 1-2 CM and softer...so discouraging.

After the epi, I was stuck in bed and my right side was very heavy. My left side never really got the full effect at first and my legs felt like they weighed 200 lbs each. My left hip was killing me and I could not get comfortable. I could still feel the contrax but they werent nearly as intense which was the plan...they wanted me to be able to push on my own. Around 2:00pm I broke down again and said "I'm so done". I knew a C-section was imminent and I felt so drained and resigned thinking about it. Around 3:30, I started feeling pressure in my bum which the nurse said was good...that meant the baby was moving down. Around 4:00pm, I asked her if I was going to get checked again...she said well, no because of the infection risk. I said well I'm feeling like the baby is really low. So I got checked...

Finally....I was fully dilated, 100% effaced. The two nurses were like "you're ready to have a baby, the head is RIGHT there." So relieved a C-section was going to be averted, I started crying. The nurses were so excited for me...they knew how hard and long this was for us and happy we managed to avoid the big C. The room changed immediately and they started getting ready for delivery. They encouraged me to bear down spontaneously and push when I felt the need. At 4:15, I started pushing. I pushed and pushed. I could feel the baby move and the pressure in my bum during contrax was getting more intense. The doc came in at 5:15 and said the baby's HB was deceling and needed to be assisted out. I was not happy but they said it was for the best. The vac went in, I pushed and pushed, thought in my head “out baby, out…down and out…out out out baby, you’re almost here” and out he came at 5:29pm with the biggest wail ever. It was instant relief. My DH watched the entire birth, held my legs...was awesome. He said "its a boy!" with the biggest grin on his face. They got him wiped off and put me skin to skin...I was crying tears of relief and joy. DH was so so proud. I had a shower later that evening after my legs came back and felt like a new woman. We slept very good that night getting up every few hours to pump and feed Maxim. DH has been by my side the whole time, even while feeding to help me out.

After all that, 58 hours from water breaking to birth, I have a second degree tear and a little boy with a red mark on his head. But he's healthy and happy and I'm healthy and happy. We are so so relieved that it didnt become a C-section because it was totally looking that way for awhile. He was a bit lazy at nursing at first but he's really coming along. BFing may be a challenge for us because I have flat nipples but so far with the shield, its working out. We went home on Wednesday evening 24 hours after the birth. DH got emotional in the car leaving the hospital....he said those 9 nurses and 3 docs over the course of 3 days took such good care of me and our baby making sure we were ok....it was very sweet. It was so nice to finally bring little Maxim home.

Some things I learned:

1) There is dignity found when you give your dignity up. Labor and delivery definitely does this in many many ways.

2) I have more strength that I have ever given myself credit for and cant believe all the work I did to bring Maxim into this world. From the PG to birth, I have so far done the hardest thing ever. And I made it. Now motherhood brings on new challenges which will undoubtedly be even harder. I was really unsure about becoming a mother in the weeks leading up to the birth which is normal...but now I know I can do it even if there are bumps along the way.

3) My DH is an awesome partner and father. I am so truly blessed. He came through for me when I had given up on myself. He kept my spirits up, made me laugh, distracted me, encouraged me...loved me. He is a natural dad and doing so much for me and Maxim already.

4) I did not get the birth I wanted and I'm 100% ok with it now. I wanted to start labor on my own, go natural and try to be med-free but remain open minded. Maxim had other ideas. I never once had a natural contraction and clearly had all the medical intervention necessary. Also, its not necessarily a good thing to be early. Clearly my baby was ready but my body was NOT ready at all. This made it so much harder. I know people get uncomfortable at the end of the PG but its honestly the very best thing if your body can get ready even if it means going a bit "late." Of course some women never go into labor on their own and have to be induced after going late...but I dont know if I'll ever wish to be early in my future PG's...its not all its cracked up to be if your body isnt ready.
Research every aspect of birth even if you have the ideal birth in mind. The ideal may not come true. If you ask the right questions and keep an open mind, the ideal doesnt matter anymore. Also, hospitals are uncomfortable and some aspects are not fun but they truly are NOT the end of the world if it means a happy healthy baby.

5) Savor every moment of TTC, PG and the early days. It goes so so fast but it is all so so precious.