Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Questions 21-25
21. If you had to teach something, what would you teach? Before I went into psychology and the field I'm in currently, I was a first year university student and I decided I wanted to be a music teacher. I had played piano since age 8 and been in the band since grade 5, tootling away on my clarinet, bass clarinet and contra-alto clarinet. I loved music, all things music. But I walked away after I realized two things-music is very competitive and I'm hate competition and that I didn't want my joy for music to be sucked into my career as I imagined I might dislike it at some point. But if I had to teach something, I would love to teach music...the theory, the love and analysis of lyrics, the smooth necessary musical back bone of all music that is the bass line...I would love it.
22. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life? I would regret not fulling doing all I can do to be a giving human being. I would regret not being the best me, mother, wife, family member and friend I can be. I would regret not having the blessings of love and family in my life.
23. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes. 75 lbs of excess weight sa a symptom of a lack of confidence in my physical capabilities and memories of a bad relationship.
24. When you are 80 years old, what will matter to you the most? I hope that it will matter that I lived to my fullest potential. Also, a sense of humour, good bladder control and the ability to still care for myself would be cool too ;-)
25. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards and just do what you know is right? When your head and heart finally meet...to intellectually know what is right is much easier than to know it in your heart.
22. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life? I would regret not fulling doing all I can do to be a giving human being. I would regret not being the best me, mother, wife, family member and friend I can be. I would regret not having the blessings of love and family in my life.
23. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes. 75 lbs of excess weight sa a symptom of a lack of confidence in my physical capabilities and memories of a bad relationship.
24. When you are 80 years old, what will matter to you the most? I hope that it will matter that I lived to my fullest potential. Also, a sense of humour, good bladder control and the ability to still care for myself would be cool too ;-)
25. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards and just do what you know is right? When your head and heart finally meet...to intellectually know what is right is much easier than to know it in your heart.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Unfortunate Firsts..
I met my first addict 8 years ago. Me...22, new undergraduate and fresh in the field...Her...a beautiful 17 year old girl whose "father" started her on crystal meth at age 12.
She was my first intake. She changed my life.
I remember her name, I remember her face, I remember her story.
I remember that 4th of July when she gave me the first real test of my career.
I remember the rage, the pain, her teeth, her thin frame, the tears, the sleepless nights.
I remember her laugh, her smile, the way she joked around and acted 17 instead of the too old-too soon adult she acted as more than once.
I remember the night she left our facility, 18...aged out of the youth system...getting into her meth-dependent "father's" truck after he picked up his drug before picking up his daughter.
I remember praying for her as I watched the headlights disappear. Its fitting that I was the staff on shift a she said goodbye considering all the firsts she gave me to me.
I'll remember it all for as long as I live.
I've met lots of addicts. I've heard lots of stories. I remember the stories, but I forget the names and their faces after awhile. Some stand out more than others. The stand-outs I don't forget.
Today, this goddamn wretched disease of addiction took a life. A beautiful life. A 33 year old life. A man who wrote lyrics and played the guitar. A man who served the community with a smile and encouraged his fellow peers. A father to two beautiful girls. A husband. A son.
A beautiful life. Cut short before its potential could be met.
I don't doubt other addicts I've met along the way have met similar fates. This is just the first I've actually learned of a past client's outcome.
First death.
A first I knew would come someday. A first I wish wasn't a reality.
She was my first intake. She changed my life.
I remember her name, I remember her face, I remember her story.
I remember that 4th of July when she gave me the first real test of my career.
I remember the rage, the pain, her teeth, her thin frame, the tears, the sleepless nights.
I remember her laugh, her smile, the way she joked around and acted 17 instead of the too old-too soon adult she acted as more than once.
I remember the night she left our facility, 18...aged out of the youth system...getting into her meth-dependent "father's" truck after he picked up his drug before picking up his daughter.
I remember praying for her as I watched the headlights disappear. Its fitting that I was the staff on shift a she said goodbye considering all the firsts she gave me to me.
I'll remember it all for as long as I live.
I've met lots of addicts. I've heard lots of stories. I remember the stories, but I forget the names and their faces after awhile. Some stand out more than others. The stand-outs I don't forget.
Today, this goddamn wretched disease of addiction took a life. A beautiful life. A 33 year old life. A man who wrote lyrics and played the guitar. A man who served the community with a smile and encouraged his fellow peers. A father to two beautiful girls. A husband. A son.
A beautiful life. Cut short before its potential could be met.
I don't doubt other addicts I've met along the way have met similar fates. This is just the first I've actually learned of a past client's outcome.
First death.
A first I knew would come someday. A first I wish wasn't a reality.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Questions 16-20
The next series of questions from this website...
16.) Have you done anything lately worth remembering? A couple who we are friends with recently found out their almost 3 year old (3 in May) has leu.k.emia. This child already has c.yst.ic fib.ro.sis which they learned of at her newborn screening tests. I dont particularly enjoy the company of the male half of this couple (and I'm fairly certain he feels the same about me) and at times have nothing but disdain for him and his behaviors but I do get along ok with his wife. I was devastated, as we all were in our circle of friends, to learn this news, thinking of their poor child and how difficult this must be for them as parents. So despite my dislike for him, I did not forget my own grace and charity for them and their daughter and we donated some cash along with a few meals and snacks to help them out. Its worth it for me to remember this lesson of giving to people in time of need in any small way possible.
17.) What does your joy look like today? See that pic below...of my beautiful boy and our chill cat...that is my joy. My child every day is my ultimate joy, everyday.
18.) Is it possible to lie without saying a word? Yes it is. Body language and facial expression say so much more than words do at times. Lying by omission is still lying.
19.) If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend? A few months ago, I would have said for not very long. Now I'm getting better at the self-talk thing but its certainly a good question to ask oneself. I know if I heard negative talk from another, I would end the relationship in a heartbeat but you can't end your relationship with yourself so easily and it isnt always apparent there is negativity going on in your own head. Insight is pretty important when it comes to this sort of thing.
20.) Which activities make you lose track of time? Listening to music, playing the piano, cooking and baking and reading. All of my favorite things in the world...leave me with a book and my Ipod and I step out of the world for awhile.
16.) Have you done anything lately worth remembering? A couple who we are friends with recently found out their almost 3 year old (3 in May) has leu.k.emia. This child already has c.yst.ic fib.ro.sis which they learned of at her newborn screening tests. I dont particularly enjoy the company of the male half of this couple (and I'm fairly certain he feels the same about me) and at times have nothing but disdain for him and his behaviors but I do get along ok with his wife. I was devastated, as we all were in our circle of friends, to learn this news, thinking of their poor child and how difficult this must be for them as parents. So despite my dislike for him, I did not forget my own grace and charity for them and their daughter and we donated some cash along with a few meals and snacks to help them out. Its worth it for me to remember this lesson of giving to people in time of need in any small way possible.
17.) What does your joy look like today? See that pic below...of my beautiful boy and our chill cat...that is my joy. My child every day is my ultimate joy, everyday.
18.) Is it possible to lie without saying a word? Yes it is. Body language and facial expression say so much more than words do at times. Lying by omission is still lying.
19.) If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend? A few months ago, I would have said for not very long. Now I'm getting better at the self-talk thing but its certainly a good question to ask oneself. I know if I heard negative talk from another, I would end the relationship in a heartbeat but you can't end your relationship with yourself so easily and it isnt always apparent there is negativity going on in your own head. Insight is pretty important when it comes to this sort of thing.
20.) Which activities make you lose track of time? Listening to music, playing the piano, cooking and baking and reading. All of my favorite things in the world...leave me with a book and my Ipod and I step out of the world for awhile.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Questions 11-15
11.) Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength? I think it can be both actually. I think most think of this issue in terms of character. To that I say bullshit...crying is not a character issue at all. In my line of work, when a client cries, they have likely broken down a wall of defensiveness and are opening up themselves to not only the person listening but to their own self. Depending on the situation, crying can also be a sign of strength.
12.) What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? I have no idea.
13.) Do you celebrate the things you do have? Yes but not enough. I could work harder at gratefulness for sure, but after the hard days I have and when I'm feeling hopeless in my work, I definitely appreciate the hand I've been dealt in life.
14.) What is the difference between living and existing? I'm not sure if I can really adequately describe this but I know it when I see it and feel it. Moving along, shuffling through, not really living with passion and purpose. Existing is going through the motions, living is being in every moment and fully present.
15.) If not now, when? I ask myself this all the time and I put things off thinking I have another time. Sometimes, I dont. And someday, I won't.
12.) What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? I have no idea.
13.) Do you celebrate the things you do have? Yes but not enough. I could work harder at gratefulness for sure, but after the hard days I have and when I'm feeling hopeless in my work, I definitely appreciate the hand I've been dealt in life.
14.) What is the difference between living and existing? I'm not sure if I can really adequately describe this but I know it when I see it and feel it. Moving along, shuffling through, not really living with passion and purpose. Existing is going through the motions, living is being in every moment and fully present.
15.) If not now, when? I ask myself this all the time and I put things off thinking I have another time. Sometimes, I dont. And someday, I won't.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Questions 6-10
Questions 6-10 in the 365 questions...
6.) What do you wish you had spent more time doing 5 years ago? Five years ago I was graduating my Masters program in June, and getting married in October. I moved back home from Chicago until my wedding. I guess I wish I would have spent more time with my parents and family before my wedding because since my wedding I have lived in Canada with my husband. The distance between here and there is great and can feel very far at times. I also wish I had spent my last few months in Chicago trying one more restaurant, exploring one more museum and partying it up with my friends.
7.) Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know? I think I tend to settle for what I know more often than I ask questions, but I will say this depends on the situation. In my work, I ask questions all the time. Its well over 50% of my mental activity and treatment of clients. So in my personal life, I tend to settle for what I know because I'm just so tired of questions. Plus my DH does a TON of questioning of everything so he does more than enough for us both. I have been analytical by nature since I was a little kid..hmm...so maybe I have a good balance of the two? Interesting question...haha...see...even my answer is slightly ambiguous in whether I continue to question or settle...
8.) Who do you love and what are you doing about it? I love my husband and I do it by showing respect. I treat him as an equal partner, work hard to not use harsh words or language against him, no name-calling, and I try not to nag or be controlling. I treat him as an adult to his face and when talking about him when he isn't around. I dont use sex for power and control (I like it too much to punish myself too, haha) or punishment. We have a no name calling unspoken rule in our marriage...I think if that was to happen, it would be a real sign of trouble. We dont even jokingly say "f-off" to each other and if he ever called me a bitch, I would have his balls in a jar.
9.) What's a belief that you hold with which many people disagree? I don't tend to hold too many controversial beliefs in my heart, and I don't really think my belief system is unique...we all think we're unique but really, we are too often alike too. Focusing too much on disagreements is what creates even bigger problems in my opinion so I haven't really thought about how my beliefts differ from others...I more interested in how they are similiar. In thinking of my line of work, services for women are way more abundant than they were 30+ years ago. Shelters, advocacy, counselling, and support for issues women weren't allowed to talk about or were even acknowledged to be a problem so many years ago are amazing to have for women nowadays. That said, I believe strongly there isnt enough for men as well. I believe in rights for men and in my line of work, too many things are advocated for women only and not for the men folk too. For example, why do women get free sexual assault counselling but male survivors of sexual assault have to pay for it out of pocket? Just one of my peeves when it comes to extreme feminism. My sisters in womanhood are so deserving and didnt get anything for so long but now the pendulum has swung so far we are leaving half the population behind in important issues to them.
10.) What can you do today that you were not capable of one year ago? One year ago I was in the midst of a pretty significant depression based on my lack of employment and feeling less than good about my contributions and self-esteem. Mix in some undiagnosed, untreated mild postpartum depression as well...I can say with 90% certainty I had some of that going on too. I think much of the contributing factors to that were uncertainty about my job situation, financial stress and knowing I wasn't a very good stay at home parent some days but not knowing when I would be back to work. It created a lot of anger, anxiety, emotional eating and lack of control. I can say today that I am capable of self awareness and recognition of how to manage these feelings and knowing it is all temporary. However long temporary is, its still temporary. To manage behavior when feelings and situations are temporary is a skill I have honed for myself and my own situation very well.
6.) What do you wish you had spent more time doing 5 years ago? Five years ago I was graduating my Masters program in June, and getting married in October. I moved back home from Chicago until my wedding. I guess I wish I would have spent more time with my parents and family before my wedding because since my wedding I have lived in Canada with my husband. The distance between here and there is great and can feel very far at times. I also wish I had spent my last few months in Chicago trying one more restaurant, exploring one more museum and partying it up with my friends.
7.) Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know? I think I tend to settle for what I know more often than I ask questions, but I will say this depends on the situation. In my work, I ask questions all the time. Its well over 50% of my mental activity and treatment of clients. So in my personal life, I tend to settle for what I know because I'm just so tired of questions. Plus my DH does a TON of questioning of everything so he does more than enough for us both. I have been analytical by nature since I was a little kid..hmm...so maybe I have a good balance of the two? Interesting question...haha...see...even my answer is slightly ambiguous in whether I continue to question or settle...
8.) Who do you love and what are you doing about it? I love my husband and I do it by showing respect. I treat him as an equal partner, work hard to not use harsh words or language against him, no name-calling, and I try not to nag or be controlling. I treat him as an adult to his face and when talking about him when he isn't around. I dont use sex for power and control (I like it too much to punish myself too, haha) or punishment. We have a no name calling unspoken rule in our marriage...I think if that was to happen, it would be a real sign of trouble. We dont even jokingly say "f-off" to each other and if he ever called me a bitch, I would have his balls in a jar.
9.) What's a belief that you hold with which many people disagree? I don't tend to hold too many controversial beliefs in my heart, and I don't really think my belief system is unique...we all think we're unique but really, we are too often alike too. Focusing too much on disagreements is what creates even bigger problems in my opinion so I haven't really thought about how my beliefts differ from others...I more interested in how they are similiar. In thinking of my line of work, services for women are way more abundant than they were 30+ years ago. Shelters, advocacy, counselling, and support for issues women weren't allowed to talk about or were even acknowledged to be a problem so many years ago are amazing to have for women nowadays. That said, I believe strongly there isnt enough for men as well. I believe in rights for men and in my line of work, too many things are advocated for women only and not for the men folk too. For example, why do women get free sexual assault counselling but male survivors of sexual assault have to pay for it out of pocket? Just one of my peeves when it comes to extreme feminism. My sisters in womanhood are so deserving and didnt get anything for so long but now the pendulum has swung so far we are leaving half the population behind in important issues to them.
10.) What can you do today that you were not capable of one year ago? One year ago I was in the midst of a pretty significant depression based on my lack of employment and feeling less than good about my contributions and self-esteem. Mix in some undiagnosed, untreated mild postpartum depression as well...I can say with 90% certainty I had some of that going on too. I think much of the contributing factors to that were uncertainty about my job situation, financial stress and knowing I wasn't a very good stay at home parent some days but not knowing when I would be back to work. It created a lot of anger, anxiety, emotional eating and lack of control. I can say today that I am capable of self awareness and recognition of how to manage these feelings and knowing it is all temporary. However long temporary is, its still temporary. To manage behavior when feelings and situations are temporary is a skill I have honed for myself and my own situation very well.
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