On Turning 2

My sweet boy is 2.  His birthday is today.  I can't believe we have a 2 year old.  He's so grown up and changing every day.

Dear Sweet Boy,

Today you are 2.  Oh the things you can do!  You are running, yelling, squealing, dancing, yakking boy who has more energy than I can ever imagine.  You are the light of our lives and so much fun.

You're not eating much.  Eggos, bananas, yogurt, cheese, milk, peanut butter english muffins.  We know for sure you'll eat these things.  Everything else...well its more or less when you feel like it.  Typical toddler.  You also LOVE chocolate, especially M and M's.  You don't get much for sweets, but man, you love them.

You got a new keyboard for your birthday.  You play it every day and just love to jam out.  You took your first wagon ride a few weeks ago, when spring was starting to show up.  You also love to play with balls, trucks, your kitchen, your doll, your mower and your penguins.  You also got a new art table for your birthday so you can color, play with your Playdoh and other fun artsy activities. 

You are saying more words, and you mimic everything.  The other day, your Papa was flirting with your Maman by putting his hands in Maman's pockets.  We were laughing and you were watching and after he was done, you came up and patted Maman's behind trying to get into my pockets. 

You love Figaro the kitty and you are so good to him.  You are our little thinker.  Every new environment, you take a few moments to scan it and check it out.  You are not shy or clingy, just checking everything out  Once you're comfortable, you're all in and very social. 

You are very well behaved at restaurants and other public places.  In fact, your Maman and Papa and you got a compliment from a complete stranger about how well behaved you were at the restaurant.  You also have your days, like last week when you did the body throw in the middle of the pharmacy.  Your Maman thanks you for both...the beautiful days when you are so sweet and the lessons I learn in patience when you are acting your age and I am reminded of it.   

You love to watch Elmo's World, Bubble Guppies, Bugs Bunny and Chuck and Friends.  Thankfully TV only catches your attention for moments at a time, but you certainly have a few favorites. 

You love playing outside, and you love books.  Your favorite books are Dr. Seuss's ABC, Un million c'est grand comment?, Harold and the Purple Crayon, Watch Me Hop, and Green Eggs and Ham.  Maman has been practicing her French with you and can now read Un million, c'est grande comment? and know the plot and how to say the words properly.  She's very happy about that and so are you since it's one of your favorites. 

Sweet bubs, you are the best son a maman and papa could ask for.  We are so excited to be your parents and love every day we get to share with you.  We are so proud of you.

Je t'aimerais toujours,

Maman

1 week

1 year

 2 years

On Turning 30

I turned 30 yesterday.

I had my meltdown about it a week before.  It appears my sentimental side reared its ugly head.  Because I'm not really sad about turning 30, more of a nostalgic meltdown.

So today is a new day and I don't feel any different.  Just another day.

I must say I loved my 20's, especially my university years.  I also know I didnt appreciate them hardly enough while living those years. 

So I vow to make my 30's different in that way.  To make each day count and appreciate it all now, rather than look at my last day of my 30's in 10 years and get all regretful or something.

I have a feeling my 30's will be good to me.  I already feel the self-confidence thing that is supposed to come with your 30's creeping on me.  Thats a very good thing. 

I am happy that my career is well-established now and happy that it happened before I turned 30.  I will be married 5 years this year in October and my son is turning 2 very soon.  I have healthy parents, good relationships with my family and so many wonderful friends. 

Goals for my 30s....more babies, traveling, good health, keeping my marriage as loving as it is now, strengthening friendships, learning new recipes, reading new books and re-reading some oldies.  I will finish Anna Karenina, The Bible, and The Divine Comedy this decade too.  Dye my hair a funky shade of something purple.  Get out of a style rut.  Buy more shoes.  Have more fun, dance more, love more, laugh more. Who knows what it will all bring, but this I know for sure....

24 hours in my 30's...looking good so far :)

More Answers...

26. )How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Some days I feel much older than 29, other days I feel my age. I think this goes with the status of my health and how I'm feeling mentally as well. Yet another reason why I am taking a stand to change my health.

27.) Would you break the law to save a loved one? I saw a story recently of a mother who beat up her son's drug dealer and has been charged with a assault. I have to say that for me it would depend on the circumstances. There is a difference between helping and enabling as far as the consequences of either helping or enabling but at times its difficult to figure out what you're really doing for somebody . For the mother that I cited above...assaulting a drug dealer doesnt change the nature of her son's addiction. He'll find another dealer. Its so sad and I feel for her..but if I were in her shoes, I would not have broke the law to 'save' my loved one.

28.) What makes you smile? My son. My husband. Warm days. Sunsets. Beautiful lyrics, beautiful melodies. Success. Red shoes. Jewelry. Friends. Wine. Wine with Friends. Fancy coffee. Cookies and milk. Christmas. Babies. Love.

29.) When its all said and done, will have you have said more than you've done? I really sincerely hope not. I hope every day or at least most days I am leading by example. Simply doing. Acting. Responding. Moving mountains.

30.) If you have the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be? Its cliche but its true: I'm not telling you its going to be easy. I'm telling you its going to be worth it. Also to take care of your mental health. Its just as important as physical health but the body gets much more attention than the mind.

Day 1

Is the hardest day.

Here it is folks...

Chest 45"
R Arm 14"
L Arm 14"
Waist 42" (eek)
Hips 50.5" (double eek)
R Thigh 29"
L Thig 29"
Weight 228

Why write this?

To get honest with myself.

And for help.

To remember.

And eventually forget.

Here is to Day 1. Learn and Burn Tur.bo J.am down.

Wordless Wednesday-My DH Over the Years

Questions 21-25

21. If you had to teach something, what would you teach? Before I went into psychology and the field I'm in currently, I was a first year university student and I decided I wanted to be a music teacher. I had played piano since age 8 and been in the band since grade 5, tootling away on my clarinet, bass clarinet and contra-alto clarinet. I loved music, all things music. But I walked away after I realized two things-music is very competitive and I'm hate competition and that I didn't want my joy for music to be sucked into my career as I imagined I might dislike it at some point. But if I had to teach something, I would love to teach music...the theory, the love and analysis of lyrics, the smooth necessary musical back bone of all music that is the bass line...I would love it.

22. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life? I would regret not fulling doing all I can do to be a giving human being. I would regret not being the best me, mother, wife, family member and friend I can be. I would regret not having the blessings of love and family in my life.

23. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes. 75 lbs of excess weight sa a symptom of a lack of confidence in my physical capabilities and memories of a bad relationship.

24. When you are 80 years old, what will matter to you the most? I hope that it will matter that I lived to my fullest potential. Also, a sense of humour, good bladder control and the ability to still care for myself would be cool too ;-)

25. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards and just do what you know is right? When your head and heart finally meet...to intellectually know what is right is much easier than to know it in your heart.

Unfortunate Firsts..

I met my first addict 8 years ago. Me...22, new undergraduate and fresh in the field...Her...a beautiful 17 year old girl whose "father" started her on crystal meth at age 12.

She was my first intake. She changed my life.

I remember her name, I remember her face, I remember her story.

I remember that 4th of July when she gave me the first real test of my career.

I remember the rage, the pain, her teeth, her thin frame, the tears, the sleepless nights.

I remember her laugh, her smile, the way she joked around and acted 17 instead of the too old-too soon adult she acted as more than once.

I remember the night she left our facility, 18...aged out of the youth system...getting into her meth-dependent "father's" truck after he picked up his drug before picking up his daughter.

I remember praying for her as I watched the headlights disappear. Its fitting that I was the staff on shift a she said goodbye considering all the firsts she gave me to me.

I'll remember it all for as long as I live.

I've met lots of addicts. I've heard lots of stories. I remember the stories, but I forget the names and their faces after awhile. Some stand out more than others. The stand-outs I don't forget.

Today, this goddamn wretched disease of addiction took a life. A beautiful life. A 33 year old life. A man who wrote lyrics and played the guitar. A man who served the community with a smile and encouraged his fellow peers. A father to two beautiful girls. A husband. A son.

A beautiful life. Cut short before its potential could be met.

I don't doubt other addicts I've met along the way have met similar fates. This is just the first I've actually learned of a past client's outcome.

First death.

A first I knew would come someday. A first I wish wasn't a reality.