Swimming Suits and Motherhood

So every woman's favorite shopping excursion MUST be for new pants or a swimming suit....amiright?!?!  I think those two items alone must bond us women together in frustration that is illuminated by flourescent bulbs in the cramped quarters of a department store dressing room.

In fact I hate buying pants so much that Im cramming myself into pants I have NOW instead of going and buying a new pair because goddamnit, these 10 lbs NEED to come off NOW or I'm going to throw a hissy fit because I am NOT spending another $75 on a pair of pants that I cant even get in Canada.  Oh and the pair of pants that does fit but are not particularly flattering are now so thin (read, not very thick to start with) that you can see my underwear through them.  Coooool. 

Anyway this post isnt about pants.  But about swimming suits. 

Here's the thing.  I havent worn a bikini since I was 11 but I think it was probably my favorite swimming suit because I can remember it clearly and none of the other swimming suits that I've worn in my childhood have any place in my memory.  Bright blue with hot pink polka dots and a cute little ruffle around the waist.  Perfectly cute for a 11 year old. 

Then I hit puberty at 11.  Even cooler.

And "oh your belly is sticking out like Grandma's" said my uncle.  Even better.

So since then, swimming suits have been something I avoid buying entirely (which I did mostly through high school and college, save for trips to Florida or Hawaii).  As an adult in the last 5 years I have purchased five suits.  This time though while the task is still painful, I just do it.

Why?

Because we go to my in-laws cottage a lot and its a necessity.

We go to the YMCA once a week to take my son for swimming lessons and DH and I take turns with him in the pool.

When we started going to the Y, I swore to myself that I would NOT let my body image issues get in the way of having fun with my children.  I would NOT put up excuses not get in the pool or worry about what others thought of me.  On bad days, I swore I would "fake it til I made it."  I would NOT shy away from photos of myself in a swimming suit anymore if I'm creating memories with my children. 

So far I've managed to stay true to my unspoken promise.  Motherhood hasnt altered my body physically that much but mentally its been a different game, one that I think I like better.

This weekend we introduced my son to the childhood staple of the fun of running through the sprinkler on a hot day.  Joy was had by all three of us.  I posted the pictures on Facebook.  The top of this suit is not one I wear in public very often.  The one with me and my son has several "likes" by my friends and family.  I could point out all the things I dislike about the photo which would be the things I dislike about myself.

Or I could just let it speak for itself...whatever that means.

Trying Again

I know...terrible blogger.  Two months and nary an update. 

I'm not even going to really apologize for that...I'm busy.  I work with people that have high needs and therefore my days are high stress.  I have a 2 year old.  Nuff said. ;)

That said, the summer is flying by and I cant believe its the middle of JULY...hello.  Lots of weekends at the cottage, swimming and soaking up the sun.  The weekends have been good to me.  I sleep better at the cottage, I get my fill of vitamin D and I feel a lot of energy until about Wednesday whereby my tank empties out and I'm counting the hours until the next weekend.

I am back on the fitness train and getting frustrated.  I recently had a whackadoo of bloodwork which confirmed that I'm not fat because of a bad thyroid, diabetes or other some such nonsense.  Nope...just fat because I dont exercise.  Cooool.

With that comes the struggle to not engage in negative self-talk...trying the crazy notion I try to get my clients to do.  If negative self-talk hasn't worked, why not try positive self-praise?

So with that, I am trying hard to shed this obsession with the bigger picture of losing 75 lbs and just try for today to do better.  The difficulty with this is the obsession may end with me but doesnt end with the gaggle of women I work with where weight is an almost daily topic at lunch. 

Also, we are trying for #2.  Much to my dismay, we did not get lucky the first cycle again like we did with our first born.  I say lucky because thats what it was...sheer luck.  Thats ok, just more fun ahead to try.  I also dont get super crazy about TTCing (other than peeing on cheap sticks..who knew that could be so fun!?) and just go with the flow. 

Trying for number 2 has been much as the same as trying for baby number 1.  The similar anxieties and excitement.  I'm craving a baby belly with all the wonderful kicks and squirms like mad.  I had a great pregnancy with Maxim so I'm hoping for much of the same this go around.  We already have carpet purchased for the remodel we will have to do to our 3rd bedroom in preparation for the newest addition.  I have an idea of how I want to decorate.  And seriously dreaming of a little sister for my boy. 

Other than that, I'm trying to find new ways to de-stress.  Including more exercise, meditation and reading time.  I'm hoping that these things start to pay off in dividends for myself, my energy and for my family too.