Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My Pumpkin

A local farm known for their pick your own berries and fresh veggies opens their doors for Halloween activities including a corn maze, pumpkins, marshmallow roast, wagon rides and a haunted barn. We went there this weekend with my parents for the first time to get pics of Maxim amongst their pumpkins and to buy some home made pie. DH and I tried the barn but totally chickened out and got out early, haha!! My DH is a huge wimp when it comes to scary stuff but it was even too much for me. So here are some pics from our weekend excursion!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Admission? Conclusion? Maybe Both...

So its something that has been weighing on my mind for 2 months now.

As a person educated with a Masters in Psychology, its definitely on my radar and something that I thought about a lot when I was pregnant too. Its something that I can easily recognize in women when they talk to me about their symptoms but it wasnt as easy to pinpoint in myself.

I think I may have a mild form of postpartum depression.

I don't have all the hallmark symptoms and I definitely don't take it out on my son. My symptoms are not even that severe or debilitating. A few things have stood out though since he was about 2 months old though, mostly a quick fuse, short on patience of which I've always had an abundance, guilt about not loving staying at home, some mild depression, feeling out of control, and a lot of isolation which is the biggie.

In fact, I'm not entirely sure its really PPD but maybe just postpartum adjustment issues. I'm trying to figure out if my feelings are outside of the realm of normal. PPD is abnormal though not uncommon, but adjustment issues are very normal and common as well. Adjustment to life as a mother, feeling like I'm losing a sense of my pre-baby self, adjusting to the demands of a baby....when you have a new baby, none of this is unusual but its hard to know when its abnormal. I still dont really know in my case.

The isolation is definitely the biggest factor. I've decided to make it a priority to go out of town with my girlfriends for a day trip every other month. I need more time with my friends that doesnt' involve the baby. So in October, we're headed for a day trip of food, shopping and wine. My one girlfriend is due in November so it will be a last outing before her newborn for awhile.

Since I've sort of concluded that this may be the case for me, I've felt a large sense of relief from it. I haven't talked to anybody about it yet because I'm still trying to figure it out and I don't think I need a medication for it. I dont think I need to do much other than be aware of my feelings, work on my thoughts about it and deal with the isolation. I can get very circular with my thinking which leads to more negative emotions and it doesnt help. I also need to just let go of the fact that my house is going to drive me nuts at times and if I dont have time, I just dont have time. That is where my lack of control is mostly directed. Awareness is the first step to treatment as it is said in my field.

Maybe its not so much of a conclusion as its finally an admission that its happening to me. Its been nagging me since Maxim was 2 months old. Its not something I"m quick to even think about when I see other women with new babies because the newborn months are so hard. Also, I think I'm coping rather well most days which I notice in others hasnt been so easy. My issues are not debilitating like PPD can be for many mothers.

Intellectually, I'm completely aware that even the ones that supposedly should be immune to this sort of thing are not immune at all. Meaning, its hard to admit that something is wrong when you know the ins and outs of it and therefore should be able to prevent it or at least cope with it better than everybody else. Not true. Intellectually I know this. But somewhere in my pride its very hard to admit that this has been a problem. Unfortunately when you work in mental health, this mindset of personal immunity from the ailments you treat is very common so it will be hard for me to admit to others because many of my friends work in mental health.

So admission? Conclusion? I think its both. I'm still working of figuring out completely though. The personal relief I've felt from it since admitting it to myself has already done wonders on my mood and perspective. Next step is to speak with a trusted friend who specializes in PPD and get her thoughts before hashing it out any further. I think she'll keep my confidence about it and be able to help me navigate what is normal vs. abnormal as well.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

September 12, 2009-September 12, 2010

On September 12, 2009, I had a wedding to attend for DH's cousin in the Toronto area.

I had been feverishly peeing on pregnancy tests for 3 days before and all were negative. All because I had some spotting that I had never had before AF. Maybe, I thought, it was that so-called "implantation" spotting. Why I was peeing on sticks that much, that early, I'll never know...its a crazy obsession that comes over women trying to get pregnant and there is just no logic behind it really. We all lose our ever loving minds when it comes to conceiving a baby.

On September 12, 2009, I was around 12 DPO.

And got my first positive test.

It was a dollar store test but it was just enough to convince me that I shouldn't drink the wine at the wedding.

Not enough to convince me to tell DH about it though.

So off to the wedding we went and I had to keep my secret all day long, even with DH's family there. It was a long car ride, a long day trying to be cool about not drinking, trying to stay level and keep quiet. Nobody knew a thing. It was a lovely wedding, my first gay wedding (one big reason to love Canada...they think gays are alright to marry...Canada 1 USA 0) and the day was amazing. The happy couple put on a helluva party and we all had a great time.

And all day long, I had a secret.

Because really...a line is a line...even on a cheap test.

I really wanted to pee on a more expensive test. An FRER or a digital. The dollar store test was enough to make me not drink but not enough to really make me believe it.

Its funny the mental thing I had about tests. When buying the dollar store tests, I felt slightly embarrassed because I was just imagining that all these people thought I was utterly insane for buying 20 tests at the dollar store because HOW can it be that a dollar store test is even close to reliable?? I felt like a I shouldnt even be buying them because grown up people who want to be pregnant buy real tests. But I knew I had an obsession with peeing on sticks and didnt want to blow beaucoup bucks on the expensive tests until I was certain it would be positive.

But the expensive $10 tests?? Waved those babies around like a banner. Well not really, I was still maintaining some sense of my dignity at that point but it was definitely a different sort of retail experience.

So I had a secret and it was fun and sweet and agonizing to keep to myself all at once. When dancing with DH, I looked into his eyes and the blissful thoughs that he was going to be the father of my baby filled my mind. I desperately wanted to tell him during that moment, dancing to "I'll Stand By You" by the Pretenders, that he was going to be a father.

We got back from the wedding on Sunday the 13th and I told DH we had to go to the grocery store. We only really needed milk but I really needed some more tests to pee on. He asked me why I was buying them and I said, well we are trying to have a baby so I would like to have a few on hand. Since I wasnt charting but had pretty regular cycles and could pinpoint O pretty easily even without the temping, I only had a vague idea of when I should test but on AF was due to show up on the 14th of September so I figured it was close enough.

I got more positives on the expensive tests. I think I had 6 tests all lined up for DH when I finally told him my little secret.

And then it became our secret.

Because I wanted to wait a week to when we would see his family in person and to call my family to share the happy news.

Somehow on Monday, my male friend at work found out without me even telling him. Its a funny story I'll have to share later and it became a running joke throughout my pregnancy. Then we told DH"s best friend...and then I called my best friend. But we swore them all to secrecy.

Fast forward....

On September 12, 2010 instead of testing, I am ovulating. I got my first AF back on August 25th, a year and one week since my last AF. I knew it was coming, Maxim has been sleeping through the night for 10 hours straight since he was 2.5 months old. He basically night weaned himself so I knew it was a matter of time. I cant believe he night weaned so early, I honestly expected to be night nursing for much much longer. But I certainly am not going to wake him up, especially when he is nursing great during the day and gaining weight appropriately. My first AF since last year made me feel like I was ten years old again when I got it the very first time in my life. It was an awful, brutal, ugly mess. I hope it isnt that bad anymore and goes back to normal.

Today on September 12, 2010, my 4 month old baby boy giggled at me for the first time. 4 month old. He is beautiful and amazing and more than I ever dreamed of when I peed on the stick one year ago today. More than DH and I ever expected and we are bursting with more love than is possible.

It is truly amazing. One year ago, he was a positive line on a test and just an abstract idea in my happy mind...just dividing cells implanted inside of my womb. Now he is a blue eyed, giggly, smiley, active little boy who is quickly growing into something so amazing every day.

No longer a line on a test, no longer an abstract idea in my mind, no longer in my womb but forever in my heart.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Sweet Boy

Beautiful smile
I'm too sexy for my belly
Sporting new football BabyLegs for the NFL opener
Talking with Papa
I often have this face, he is so much like his mother.
Deep this exersaucer supposed to be fun, Maman?!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Holy hell....

I just dropped $500 on glasses and contacts. How the hell do Canadians live??!! Thank god we have insurance but it will only cover $250 bucks...and $80 of that is going to the eye appointment to get my script updated. Holy husband is crapping himself....but the consolation is that I buy new frames every 5-8 years it seems so I'll be keeping them for awhile...but still...holy shit...

Other news...

**Naps suck. I've ranted about naps on every medium possible so I'll just end here. But seriously....I hate my life right now dealing with this. Pretty sure Maxim is hating his too and we're both kinda fed up with each other I think.

**Nap issues are not the worst thing I could be dealing with right now or ever. This too shall pass. Hopefully very very very quickly.

**He is also teething. Amber teething necklaces seem to be helping with the chewing and drooling.

**Maxim has his 4 month check up on Monday and the first of his 4 month vaccines. The doc splits up the two needles so his second will be later in September. The first time he had these shots at two months old, the second needle was much much worse. Knowing what to expect will make this easier to deal with this time around. I cant wait to get him weighed and measured, he has grown so much in 2 months.

**His hair is getting longer but not much thicker...and the back of his head just has very small baby hairs. His eyes are still a deep blue but with gray radiating off the pupil just like mine.

**Our master bedroom is once again cat free and kid free. I have a thing about my bedroom being an oasis. We dont have a TV in the room, the only electronics allowed are the alarm clock, my cell phone and the baby monitor. There are no pictures of family or the baby in our room, other than of DH and I together. The cat hair was cramping my style and we needed new bedding. So the cat is officially out of our room, after some major body slamming by the cat on our door. Maxim (and other future children) will be allowed in there in small doses of course but for the most part, it is the only room in the house we don't have to share and I want to keep it that way.

**I read a few David Sedaris books over the summer and will pick up a few more....I loved Naked and Me Talk Pretty One Day...hilarious.

**One of our groomsmen had their baby this week...6 weeks too early :(. She is a little trooper though but it was apparently quite scary for a bit there including bed rest for two weeks in August due to a small part of the placenta tearing away and pre-term contractions. Then last week they had an ultrasound and needed to plan a C-Section due to Vasa Previa. Apparently that is when the blood vessels cross the cervix and if the baby is born vaginally, the babe basically bleeds to death. It is usually diagnosed after the birth (and subsequent death) of the baby but they caught it before, thank goodness. But then it became an emergency (a serious emergency) C-Section on the 6th to get her out when mama started bleeding. The babe wasnt breathing or had much color.. They couldnt even see her for 10 hours and didnt get to hold her for almost 24 hours...can you imagine?! She has to be in NICU for 2-3 weeks but she seems to be improving and doing as well as can be expected. nap issues are small in comparison....

**Currently reading: The Eye of the Dragon by Stephen King (re-read), The Lion by Nelson Demille and World Without End by Ken Follett.

**Currently eating: Crushed ice...still a pregnancy obsession/quirk/craving of mine. I chewed on crushed ice all the time when pregnant and I'm still on it. My poor teeth...also, sweet corn, grilled asparagus, and bell peppers of all colors.

**Currently sleeping: About 10 hours for Maxim and 9 hours for me....wahoo!

**Currently watching: Design shows on TV like Divine Design and Take This House and Sell It. Also watching Wedding SOS and Rich Bride, Poor Bride.

**September plans: BBQ this weekend, DH is golfing next weekend so I will be with the MIL and then Maxim's baptism which my parents WILL be attending and flying in for the excited!!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

More Pics from our Trip

Eventually I'll get a written update in here..Maxim has been a nap time monster for the last 2 weeks so needless to say we aren't getting much done around here during the day or at night. I'm fairly certain he is teething.

Country road...take me home...

Hay Bales at the farm

In the wheat favorite of us together