September 12, 2009-September 12, 2010

On September 12, 2009, I had a wedding to attend for DH's cousin in the Toronto area.

I had been feverishly peeing on pregnancy tests for 3 days before and all were negative. All because I had some spotting that I had never had before AF. Maybe, I thought, it was that so-called "implantation" spotting. Why I was peeing on sticks that much, that early, I'll never know...its a crazy obsession that comes over women trying to get pregnant and there is just no logic behind it really. We all lose our ever loving minds when it comes to conceiving a baby.

On September 12, 2009, I was around 12 DPO.

And got my first positive test.

It was a dollar store test but it was just enough to convince me that I shouldn't drink the wine at the wedding.

Not enough to convince me to tell DH about it though.

So off to the wedding we went and I had to keep my secret all day long, even with DH's family there. It was a long car ride, a long day trying to be cool about not drinking, trying to stay level and keep quiet. Nobody knew a thing. It was a lovely wedding, my first gay wedding (one big reason to love Canada...they think gays are alright to marry...Canada 1 USA 0) and the day was amazing. The happy couple put on a helluva party and we all had a great time.

And all day long, I had a secret.

Because really...a line is a line...even on a cheap test.

I really wanted to pee on a more expensive test. An FRER or a digital. The dollar store test was enough to make me not drink but not enough to really make me believe it.

Its funny the mental thing I had about tests. When buying the dollar store tests, I felt slightly embarrassed because I was just imagining that all these people thought I was utterly insane for buying 20 tests at the dollar store because HOW can it be that a dollar store test is even close to reliable?? I felt like a fraud...like I shouldnt even be buying them because grown up people who want to be pregnant buy real tests. But I knew I had an obsession with peeing on sticks and didnt want to blow beaucoup bucks on the expensive tests until I was certain it would be positive.

But the expensive $10 tests?? Waved those babies around like a banner. Well not really, I was still maintaining some sense of my dignity at that point but it was definitely a different sort of retail experience.

So I had a secret and it was fun and sweet and agonizing to keep to myself all at once. When dancing with DH, I looked into his eyes and the blissful thoughs that he was going to be the father of my baby filled my mind. I desperately wanted to tell him during that moment, dancing to "I'll Stand By You" by the Pretenders, that he was going to be a father.

We got back from the wedding on Sunday the 13th and I told DH we had to go to the grocery store. We only really needed milk but I really needed some more tests to pee on. He asked me why I was buying them and I said, well we are trying to have a baby so I would like to have a few on hand. Since I wasnt charting but had pretty regular cycles and could pinpoint O pretty easily even without the temping, I only had a vague idea of when I should test but on AF was due to show up on the 14th of September so I figured it was close enough.

I got more positives on the expensive tests. I think I had 6 tests all lined up for DH when I finally told him my little secret.

And then it became our secret.

Because I wanted to wait a week to when we would see his family in person and to call my family to share the happy news.

Somehow on Monday, my male friend at work found out without me even telling him. Its a funny story I'll have to share later and it became a running joke throughout my pregnancy. Then we told DH"s best friend...and then I called my best friend. But we swore them all to secrecy.

Fast forward....

On September 12, 2010 instead of testing, I am ovulating. I got my first AF back on August 25th, a year and one week since my last AF. I knew it was coming, Maxim has been sleeping through the night for 10 hours straight since he was 2.5 months old. He basically night weaned himself so I knew it was a matter of time. I cant believe he night weaned so early, I honestly expected to be night nursing for much much longer. But I certainly am not going to wake him up, especially when he is nursing great during the day and gaining weight appropriately. My first AF since last year made me feel like I was ten years old again when I got it the very first time in my life. It was an awful, brutal, ugly mess. I hope it isnt that bad anymore and goes back to normal.

Today on September 12, 2010, my 4 month old baby boy giggled at me for the first time. 4 month old. He is beautiful and amazing and more than I ever dreamed of when I peed on the stick one year ago today. More than DH and I ever expected and we are bursting with more love than is possible.

It is truly amazing. One year ago, he was a positive line on a test and just an abstract idea in my happy mind...just dividing cells implanted inside of my womb. Now he is a blue eyed, giggly, smiley, active little boy who is quickly growing into something so amazing every day.

No longer a line on a test, no longer an abstract idea in my mind, no longer in my womb but forever in my heart.