I have yelled at my 3 month old baby for crying uncontrollably. Obviously it doesnt work. It only makes him feel worse, cry louder, and me feel guilty.
I wonder what I've done to make him cry so much and why I can't soothe him back to his happy self.
I growl under my breath sometimes....sometimes its at him, sometimes at DH, sometimes at the cat.
I cuss way, way too much around him (not at him though, but still) and really need to get it under control before he really understands and starts think that "shit" is a good word to say in mixed company.
There are days when I have to consciously remind myself and say out loud "He is just a baby and it's not his fault. I am the adult here and its my job to help him navigate his way in his stressed out little world." There are days when I have to remind myself and my body that he senses my energy and I need to relax in order for him to relax.
Today is his 4th day in a row without a decent afternoon nap despite my every effort. By no nap, I mean he naps one hour in the morning and then only 20-45 minutes in the afternoon...its not enough at all. He is still sleeping 10 straight hours at night but his daytime is totally messed up and he is. Just. Plain. Crabby. He is so overtired by evening its insane. Last night, even my husband lost his cool. He cried for 3 hours straight until I finally turned on my blow dryer which seemed to be the right fix. Finally he fell asleep.
I need to get this boy a white noise machine.
Anyway, last night after he finally calmed down, just before he closed his eyes, he was sucking on his soother, wrapped up in his sleeping bag, his sweet little hands folded on top of mine on his chest, and he looked up at me with his deep blue eyes. His eyes at night are the best, they appear an even richer, darker blue than during the day, like the darkest parts of the ocean.
He was looking up at me with his little eyes and they appeared to plead with me...implore me...beg me..."Please maman...don't give up on me."
I teared up as I watched my son finally fall asleep. Teared up in exhaustion and remorse for the painful evening we had just endured together. Total surrender to his plea.
After ugly moments, there are beautiful, soul stirring moments. Moments that gently nudge and remind of what is really in the heart.
Mutual unconditional love...
Even when the crying and screaming is seemingly never ending. I love him.
Even when he won't take a nap and I can't get anything done. I love him.
Even when he has a massive blowout in the car seat. I love him.
Even when he barfs on my hand at the bookstore. I love him.
Even when I have to put him down and collect myself. He loves me.
Even when I don't always use nice words when he's around. He loves me.
Even when I raise my voice a little too loud. He loves me.
Even when I grumble at him, his dad or the cat. He loves me.
Even when he's on the edge of sleep after a bad night. He loves me.
Baby boy, I wont give up you if you wont give up on me. Promise. Forever.