In the Beginning...

Within the first 10 minutes of my son's birth, he was placed on my chest skin-to-skin. It was the most magical moment I've ever experienced. My favorite pictures of us are those first few taken during that precious time. Within the first hour after all the excitement died down, my son and I started to nurse.

After being on IV fluids for 2 days and then gripping the bed rail to push my son out, my left hand was the size of a blown up latex glove. It was insane and it hurt immensely. They wouldn't let me take the IV out of my hand until I peed though. So I was stuck with a hand I couldn't use very well. In addition, my breasts were enormous, filled with fluid. So enormous that my already flat nipples had no chance of protruding properly so they gave me a nipple shield to help with nursing. They also gave me a pump to use and taught me how to do the football hold because they said it would be an easier position given the size of my fluid-filled balloons. My hand was a foreign object on my body though, and it just made it so much harder to hold him properly. When the IV finally came out, it felt amazing and my hand immediately shrunk back down to its normal size.

We were left to our own devices after the baby was born and only got checked on if we called them or had to fill out paperwork. It was nice to be left alone but it didnt help me to get a good start with nursing. I knew very well that the baby was only getting a little bit of colostrum and that his little tummy only held so much at a time but when the nurses did come in and I wasn't nursing, they said he's hungry. Well how did they know? They werent in the room with us the entire day. My DH had his finger in Maxim's mouth at one point and they asked if he was hungry...no he had just finished nursing and wanted to continue to suckle.

We went home and Maxim slept for 6 hours before eating again. We spent the day at home, nursing and marveling at our new baby. The third day after his birth, we had to go back to the hospital to see the nurse for a well-baby check. My milk was not quite in yet but I could tell that it would be in soon because they were starting to feel heavy.

It did not go well. She was nice but a bit of a battle-axe too. My husband is very systematic in his thought processes and he needs lists, instructions and key-phrases for Googling. The nurse was mostly talking to him because she said I wouldnt remember because I was so tired. When he asked for a pamphlet or a pad of paper, she said "You'll just remember it because she won't." DH was so frustrated and I felt so bad for him. She admonished me for not pumping after every feed due to the nipple shield and she said that Maxim was jaundiced (his bilirubin levels were fine prior to discharge) and lost almost 10% of his weight. She gave us phone numbers for the pediatric unit "just in case but I think he'll be fine" for the weekend in the event that we felt the need to go to the hospital for a jaundice eval. She instructed us to nurse and then pump for 20 minutes after every feed, wake him every 3 hours to eat and give him 1 oz of formula until my milk came in and then expressed breast milk. She readily gave us a package of pre-made formula and I was too tired to protest saying I didnt want it because everything she was telling me about his jaundice and weight was NORMAL. I didnt want to give him a bottle, I knew it could possibly mess with his already precarious latch. My DH didnt know either and he likes solutions to problems right away. She also seemed snarky when she asked about my eating and sleeping as if it was my fault I wasn't sleeping well..."so you're eating ok but you're sleep quality is poor." Well no shit sherlock...I just had a baby 3 days ago and for the first 24 hours I was running on adrenaline, no wonder I'm crashing and exhausted...growl...snark...kiss my ass lady.

Anyway, I was so wiped out after an hour of listening to her that I almost fell asleep in the car on the way home. It was exhausting because my tired mind was running a mile a minute trying to keep up with her and then questioning myself. So instead of listening to the voice in my head about what I already knew...I pumped for 20 minutes after every feed and we gave him some formula as well.

That weekend I started to resent the pump....especially when my MIL came over to take the baby away from my DH while he is trying to parent and I'm stuck in the nursery feeling like a dairy cow. Especially when I couldnt enjoy those visits with them right away and they acted as if I didnt matter. I gave in to the formula in the middle of the night when I was so tired from pumping and nursing. It just plain sucked.

On that Monday, a different nurse came by the house as is protocol and we had a discussion about nursing, his weight etc etc. He had gained 4 oz over the weekend but was still jaundiced. She said to keep nursing and giving him bottles after feeds to get his weight up and jaundice out. She gave me tips with his latch and positioning which really helped a lot. She said she would come back on Friday to weigh him again.

She came back and he had only gained 2 oz. I was nearly in tears because I was so frustrated. My nipples were sore and cracked, he wasnt gaining like she wanted to see and he was still jaundiced. I knew in the back of my mind that the jaundice was still normal. Maxim also had a very bad fire-engine red diaper rash. She said its probably thrush, I said it was probably the diapers because I had heard the Pampers dipes were giving babies really bad rashes. She said it was thrush because of my nipple pain and I argued that it was simply a really bad latch. Then I started to question my supply and she gave me information on herbs and ways to increase my supply. But I didnt really think supply was a problem, I really felt like it was the latch. My husband was so confused and just wanted answers on how to do this and help me.

I nearly gave up. I was so frustrated. My breasts were screaming at me, my husband was so confused and I was so tired of pumping. He said that I could stop only if I felt like I had tried everything because he knew that it was important to me to nurse. I said I gotta make it to 6 weeks, it'll get better then. I said I'm not paying for formula, I need to fix his latch.

That night, I said no more bottles. He was going on the boob whether he liked it or not. We worked all weekend to fix his latch. Every single time he went on, he went on wrong and every single time I pulled him off to fix it. It was exhausting. By Monday I threw the nipple shield away because it wasnt helping anymore and I knew it was about breast feeding not nipple feeding. I did block feeding to heal my sore nips, I changed positions, I stopped pumping completely and just nursed. I worked, he worked...we worked hard to fix his latch.

The nurse came back that Thursday and he had gained 11 oz in less than a week!! She was shocked and asked me how I did it. Satisfied and happy, I said he went off the bottles and we just worked really hard together to make it work. I knew after that appointment with her, we would be ok.

The 3 week growth spurt was brutal. The cluster feeding at night was brutal. It was not a fun 6 weeks at all. At times it drove me nuts to just be nursing constantly day in and day out. It felt like a lot of my time was spent nursing. It was but looking back it wasn't as bad as it felt at the time. There were times I felt isolated and alone. There were times I wanted to cry because he was demanding me again.

And there were beautiful moments too. When he would fall off the breast, clearly milk drunk and satisfied. When my DH said he was proud of me. Reminding myself that he wouldn't stay little forever and wouldn't want to cuddle forever. When I got up in the middle of the night knowing he needed ME and only me, it made it easier to think of it that way instead of disrupted sleep.

If I hadn't had the information in my head and had not stopped listening to the well-meaning but bad advice, I would have given up. Without my supportive and amazing DH cheering me on, I would have given up. Hell, without my bull-headed stubborness I would have given up.

I said in my previous post that we were deciding that we would breast feed Maxim. Me and my DH were going to breast feed, not just me. Because while I'm the one with the equipment, it takes both people to make it work in my opinion. The only support I had was him in those early weeks and without him, we wouldn't have made it.

Next: Inquiries and Public Nursing