Contemplation and Preparation

In the stages of "planning" for parenthood before trying to conceive, I contemplated how we would feed our new baby. I come from a family of formula feeders. I figured that breast feeding would be very challenging for me without the appropriate support. My family members are quite ignorant about breast feeding because they didn't do it and didn't have models for breast feeding. So they have all the myths and misinformation about breast feeding in their minds, not the truth and facts. So I debated knowing this and wondered if I would be able to do it without them behind me 100%. My mother would never question my parenting choices but she did question whether or not breast feeding would work. I wondered if I would be able to make it work too.

I don't believe there is anything wrong with feeding formula at all if the family chooses to do so. But I was reading material and debates online about formula vs. breast milk and my mind started to turn the other way about feeding our baby. My husband said that he preferred that we breast feed our baby but that he would leave the final decision to me.

I soon learned that there is a stark cultural difference in Canada versus the United States when it comes to breast feeding. Breast feeding is somewhat protected by the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms however, only Ontario and British Columbia have specific details regarding the rights of breast feeding mothers. In addition, Canada has up to 50 weeks of maternity and parental leave for parents which helps foster a healthy breast feeding relationship. In the States, maternity leave is much shorter in duration and unpaid in many cases. In addition, the rights for breast feeding mothers is based on state laws and not all states recognize the rights in the same manner.

I distinctly remember one of my aunts attempting to breast feed my cousin who was 2 weeks early and "small" (about 6 lbs). I was 20 years old and had never seen it before. I remember feeling slightly fascinated and somewhat embarrassed that I was seeing my aunts breasts in that manner. I also remember the comments from my very ignorant, asshole grandfather. My aunt is small-breasted so he would make comments like "those small tit.ties cant make enough for that baby." "She is starving that baby, that baby isn't gaining any weight." "How does she know how much that baby is getting, does she have a gauge on those bo.obs?" "She should cover herself up, we don't need to see that." I remember feeling sorry for her as she struggled with only her mother to support her and then she eventually gave up after only two weeks. I don't know if she didn't have enough support and information, if she had a low supply or if she decided that she just didn't want to do it.

Witnessing and hearing those things had a profound effect on me and I figured I would never breast feed after that. What was the point if I was just going to hear comments and garbage from people that don't get it? And who will help me if I try? Formula just seemed so much easier rather than dealing with all of that. Also, at that point I was still viewing my breasts as purely sexual and not for feeding.

Anyway, the more I did my own research and reading, the more I wanted to "try it." DH was really on board for it and with his family of whom some women did breast feed, I figured I had a good chance at making it work. I resolved to give it 6 weeks and do the very best I could. I read up on it incessantly, all the potential roadblocks, all the norms of a breast fed baby, everything, so that when the time came, I would have an idea of what to expect and how to arm myself with facts to disarm the potential naysayers. I started to believe that breast feeding would be easier than formula feeding too. I blogged in my pregnancy about a conversation I had at work with a friend that breast fed her babies and she said many times that breasts and breast milk are magical. She is a true advocate without judgment or veiled passive-agressive guilt inducing statements and her influence on me during the pregnancy was huge.

When I got pregnant, my breasts changed immediately. I was a 38 C and went to a 40DD in 12 weeks time. I was blown away and slightly freaked out about the size they would be when my milk came in after the birth. They became vein-y and darker and just plain alien to me. My nips are flat so I worried about the challenges that may have come from that. I kept in mind throughout the pregnancy that I would "try" but that it may not work for me and no matter what happened, I would be a good mother and not worry myself with the comments or opinions of others.

As for breast feeding in public, when I was pregnant, I did not believe I would be able to comfortably breast feed in public without a cover and even then I believed I would probably find a corner to hide myself in so that I could feed my baby in private without all eyes on me. This worried me greatly and I felt that it would be incredibly isolating but I didn't know how to feel about it other than intense fear. Fear that I would hear comments or be told to go away, fear that I wouldn't be able to step out into public without a bottle of expressed milk in tow.

I thought it would be hard but I had no idea how hard it actually is in the beginning. Nobody really tells you how hard it will be or how hard anything when it comes to a baby will be when the wee one arrives and changes your life.