Wednesday, December 30, 2009

19 Weeks

A bit late on my weekly update.

We drove 19 hours in 2 days across the upper US to get home last weekend. It was a long drive but not overly uncomfortable for me which was good. We stopped about every 2 hours to get out, stretch and use the washroom. We had fantastic roads which was surprising since the entire country was basically under siege last week with the big snow storm.

Once we got home, we got right back in the car to go to my grandparents so we could see my extended family and have our Christmas. It was super fun and Baby B got a few gifts from the family. I wasnt expecting gifts at Christmas for our unborn baby, but it was great! I'll have to post pics when we get home next week.

Overall I'm feeling good. I notice that I tire more easily now and my hips hurt at night when I sleep. My bump is starting to fill out a bit, will have to post a 20 week pic next week. I'm glad we made this drive at 4.5 months pregnant instead of later.

I bought a Baby K'Tan sling when we got home. Not many stores in Ontario carry them so I wanted to be sure to get one when we came down here. I cant wait to use it.

I had the "talk" with my mother-in-law about the baby shower. She has said from the beginning that she wanted to host a shower for me which is fantastic. Personally I think that mothers/MIL's should never host a shower for their children and it should be up to an aunt or friend but whatever, I'm not going to argue about it. But I did speak with her about the location for the party. She wants to have it the last weekend in April at which point I'll be 8 months pregnant. My in-laws live 90 minutes from our home and it would be a major pain to drive there and back with what I'm sure will be tons of baby gifts and at a time when I will start to get uncomfortable. We just dont have a big enough vehicle to haul stuff. So I politely asked her to have the party at our house; she can still have all the control over food and organizing it. She wasnt happy at first because she was worried that 3 (yes only 3) friends from her work wouldnt come. Three people my DH and I dont know at all. All of DH's family members will undoubtedly make the trip so that isnt the issue. I pointed out to her that my friends live in our community and the party is for me (well I wasnt that snotty obviously, but its true) and that it would be a lot easier for us and more fun for me to have MY friends there. I know she is excited to be a grandma and to share in that with everybody she knows but if these women can't/won't drive to our town then that is their choice. After some hard convincing, she came around. I dont think she is 100% happy but she isnt arguing about it anymore so I think its ok. I dont think we are unreasonable in this request to have it at our house.

And a word about my DH: Only a great man would get up at the crack of dawn and drive 12 hours on his birthday (December 26th!!) to get his wife home to see her parents. I love this man so much and so appreciate everything he does for me.

Thats it for this week. Will update on Monday next week...almost halfway there!!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


I was summoned to witness at a child custody/protection case for a past client in November.

My first thought was: "Wow what a horrible date to be at trial. December 21 and 22, 2009. The Society will either ruin this family's Christmas or it'll be the happiest damn day of their lives."

My second thought was: "What the hell? This hasnt been resolved yet!? The kid hasnt been at the parents home for 2 years!"

My third thought was: "I hate the Society." I say this weekly. I hate it more than any other social service entity.

My fourth thought was: "Shit. I have to testify at family court."

So I had supervision with my boss about the file and the case, which wasn't all that helpful, sent a document to the lawyers summarizing my involvement, and got more prettied up yesterday than I have in recent weeks. Meaning, my hair wasnt in a ponytail, I had eyeshadow on my eyelids and I got to rock my new maternity business jacket. I may even wear the jacket after the PG because its so cute and I got lots of compliments on it. A girl gotta look good....anyway I digress.

It was a bit un-nerving. Not because I wasn't prepared or insecure about my involvement with the client or testimony. Just the whole process because I have never testified in a real courtroom before....

But I did save money on my car insurance with Geico. Har. Har. Har.


Like where do I put my coat when I get in there?

I hope I spell my name right.

I dont feel good, darnit Thunder, we gotta get thru this without pissing our pants. Ugh bathroom break...ok, thats over and always happens when the nerves are up. Sorry Thunder for blaming you so quickly, forgive me.

Oh yeah...dr's appt in 2 hours. Will I make it? Should I call them to reschedule just in case I'm sitting here all day? Ugh...thats RIGHT! They're doing the pa.p today. I gotta go wash up after court.

Where do I sit? In grad school, we had a mock trial at a real courthouse with a judge and real lawyers and I had the voir dire part meaning I was up to testify first....and I sat on the wrong side of the judge. Thankfully they were cool with it and didnt make me move or embarrass me but they did point it out. Will never forget that, lol.

Do I take my notes out before or after the lawyer starts talking about the material?

Do I acknowledge my client or will that seem fishy?

Hmmm...the cop in the courtroom is kinda cute.

Oh Thunder, please calm down. Oh wait..those are my intestines again.

"Look how cute! There is a real judge!!" Reference anyone? No seriously, she was this super cute old lady who I wanted to share a plate of cookies and a glass of milk with talking about the old days.

You get the picture. My testimony was pretty solid I think and the Society's lawyer tried to trip me up about my recommendations. Didn't work. I'm quick on my feet even under pressure.

I still dont really know what the trial was about whether the kid was going up for adoption or going home to the parents.

I so hope their Christmas wasnt ruined and that 2010 will be a better year for the family.

Oh and I didnt piss myself and I didnt get the pa.p smea.r. My blood pressure was a bit high though (125/80).

Gee I wonder why?

Monday, December 21, 2009

18 Weeks

I find the 2T is flying by insanely fast! We had our ultrasound on Friday! It was so cool....impersonal and sucky in other ways but that is stuff that is out of my hands so overall it was cool. The good parts outweighed the bad parts. Baby looked so good on the screen and was moving around a lot.

We also got to hear the heartbeat which was really cool! DH said it sounded like thunder so our baby is now nicknamed Thunder.
We stuck to our guns and did not find out the sex. Hopefully the doc wont mistakenly tell us.

I had my appointment today and my blood pressure was wonky. I think it was work-stress related which I'll post about tomorrow so hopefully it will not continue to be a problem. Everything else looked ok too.
Will be spending Christmas with the in-laws and then headed back to the US for the last week in December. My dad is turning 50 on NYE so we are having a big party for him. I'm excited to see my family and I know they are too!

I'm super nerdy and totally not trying to make my baby a genius by doing this (because I dont buy into music in-utero makes your baby an Einstein or Mozart) but I'm playing music for the baby. I'm not playing it too loud since the fluid is already a good conductor for noise and only for a few minutes at a time but I feel some movement when I do it. DH got a great pic of me doing it too, lol! Again, I'm a nerd but I absolutely love music and what better way to bond with the baby, I say.

Not much else to update. I just find the time going so fast. I know the first part of the new year will fly by too.

Monday, December 14, 2009

17 Weeks

The cat is officially out of the bag at work. I told everybody at our Christmas potluck last week and everybody seemed quite excited for us. Its always fun to tell people!

I have two stretch marks on my belly...wonderful.

I purchased the baby bedding this week. I can only get it from the US so its a super big pain to get it. Here is a pic of it. I bought the four piece set which is the comforter, fitted sheet, bumpers and skirt (comes with a free bear), two of the valances and the mobile, only because its too cute to pass up! I think I may hang the comforter on one of the walls or use for tummy time and push the bumpers in between the slats of the crib so there isnt a much pillowy puffiness in the crib. We'll what happens when we actually get the set and how it will all fit/tie on the crib.

I've started researching more in depth bre.ast feeding and childbirth. I plan to sign up myself and DH for some parenting classes this spring that includes basic infant care and bre.ast feeding. I will get a tour of the hospital sometime in March but I'm not sure that there is a full class on labor techniques.

Our ultrasound is on Friday, we're so excited! We can't wait to see our baby again!

Monday, December 7, 2009

16 Weeks

The tickling is so cool and is getting even more frequent. It's most often in the afternoon and evening, especially after meals. Today it was more below my belly button but it can definitely be felt all over the place.

Work still doesn't know but I hope to tell soon. I'm just tired of keeping it a secret and I want to be able to talk about it openly with the people that do know about it.

This is definitely the last week of regular pants. They are tight around the waist now and also around my butt and legs. Just getting uncomfortable.

I love my sleeping br.a. It is wonderful and comfortable and totally good for the girls.

My DH is a wonderful man. Sometimes I don't think I appreciate him enough but I try to remind myself every day how lucky I am to have him in my life.

I'm excited to be four months pregnant! Its still a surreal experience. A friend of mine is exactly 8 weeks behind me, she just told us last week! I was the first of our friends circle she told because I'm pregnant too. Its fun to have someone that is going through all of this too and its not a family member so there wont be any jealousy or fights for attention as some families with multiple pregnant women can experience.

DH and I have decided to stay on Team Green until the birth. Our ultrasound is next Friday and it will be tempting to find out but we're going to hold out for the big surprise at the end. We also discussed that we will pick two names for each sex so we have options when we see him or her. Deciding on boy names is hard, I'm fairly certain we have our girl names chosen already.

That's it for this week! Hope to feel the tickles more and more!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Good Vibrations

I picking up good vibrations...

Right now it feels like I'm being tickled....

Last night it felt like a vibration or buzzing...

The day before it felt like little tiny pokes....

However it feels...

It is the coolest sensation ever.

I can feel our baby and it is awesome.

I've been trying to figure it out for awhile now. I felt little pokes early on at around 12 weeks but didn't really think I could feel the baby that soon. It was never frequent either and not every day. But now I know it was definitely baby because the sensation is stronger and more frequent.

I've been pressing on my belly when it happens and it continues to happen after I lift my hand. Yesterday after shopping, it was happening a lot, like my tummy was rolling over and over. Last night I was laying in bed on my right side and I felt the vibrations. So I pressed and it kept happening, like a response. On the opposite side, my intestines were bubbly which confirmed that a moving baby is a totally different sensation.

So far week 15 has been my favorite week!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Belly Pics

Here are my 6 week and 15 week belly pics. Not obvious to the world yet but a definite change. Only 2lbs gained since getting PG according to my November weigh-in at my doc appt. I dont check in between appointments either.



Monday, November 30, 2009

15 Weeks

Not much new to report this week except that I'm officially wearing maternity clothes. MIL bought me the whole lot this weekend when we went shopping at Mother.hood Mater.nity. It's super generous of her.

I had a three fillings today which was not pleasant. They didnt force the dental dam thing which was nice and my mouth is just now getting back to normal.

I had a spa pedicure today and it was heaven. I've had a few pedicures in the past but this was the real deal. I nearly fell asleep, it was so relaxing. I'll be going back sometime in April before the baby is due.

I had a strange craving for these this weekend...

I must have eaten 10 packs, hehe!

I found a crib and changing table/dresser I absolutely adore. Its a convertible crib that can be changed to a toddler bed and double bed in the future. I think we will order them sometime after Christmas.

I have a busy week ahead with my week off. Mostly Christmas preparation like baking, shopping and Christmas cards. Should be good and we have a Christmas part at a friend's house this weekend. We got our first snow yesterday and DH put up the Christmas lights tonight. House looks great.

Not much else to report. Just feeling pretty good and hoping my mouth isnt sore tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

"A Better Existence..."

Today was an amazing day.

Dr. Gabor Maté was in town today to speak about addictions. My agency was one of the hosts so our entire team got to go listen to him lecture.

I've had his book "In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts" for a year now and it was unreal. He is a medical doctor in Vancouver's East Side which is the most concentrated area of addicts in North America. The misery and suffering, and at times, profound hope is incomparable and difficult to understand.

Listening to him speak was incredible. For a medical doctor, he is incredibly grounded and attuned with people and their complexities. He had some perspectives on addiction I had not heard before or explanations that made sense in a very every person sort of way. I urge anybody to with an interest in human condition to read his books.

One thing he summarized was this...and I'm paraphrasing...

Imagine an addict. He's homeless, hungry and in poverty. He hasn't showered for weeks and he doesn't have a safe place to sleep at night. He's infected with HIV, has abscesses from chronic needle use, bloodshot eyes, tracks on his arms and legs, no nasal septum from years of snorting drugs, skeletal due to chronic use and malnutrition. He's been abused, neglected and without support from family and friends for years. He's has no high school education, no job and no skills. Not only is he addicted, he has profound mental illness. He has the stigma of "addict", a spectre of shame and guilt that hovers in his mind.

Now you tell me what his bottom is? What is a negative enough consequence for him if all of those other things haven't stopped him from ravaging his body and soul with powder, pills and needles? Only death and that is a result, not a consequence, because he won't be around to know it.

Addicts dont need to hit a bottom, they are already there. What they need is the belief and idea that their existence can be better, that their life can be better.

Monday, November 23, 2009

14 Weeks

Another Monday, another week.

My clothes officially don't fit. I upped my pant size a month ago just to be ready for it and stay in regular pants a little longer and they are getting increasingly difficult to pull up and down. But once they are on, they are ok. They dont have any button or zipper, just a flat front which is cool and they should stretch a bit more before I have to break into maternity pants.

Shirts, not so much. Only my big sweaters are comfortable now. I explored the two maternity stores in my in-laws town this weekend and discovered a 20-30 dollar price difference between the two and the store in my town. So I'll be doing my shopping there when we go visit next weekend.

I'm still lacking energy in the evenings. During the day it is much better but around 5pm, I just crash. Sleeping at night is a big challenge...some nights I toss all night, and then after about two or three of those bad nights, I crash and sleep all night. I'm getting stuffiness at night too which doesn't help because of having to breathe through my mouth, which then just dries me right out.

It is very strange how one's bre.ast tissue changes during pregnancy. Before, they were quite soft, squishy and saggy. Not very dense at all. Now, they are harder and I can feel the tissue changing where they aren't squishy anymore. Its very weird.

I had a dentist appointment today which wasn't very much fun. My gums are super sensitive and my gag reflex is in overdrive. Oh and they want to fill at least two cavities in the next three months, one of which is next Monday. The worst part...this dentist uses rubber dental dams and forces them over the tooth and clamps them down with a metal clamp. My old dentist didnt use them. It freaked me out before, I thought I was choking. So now with this gag reflex thing, I'm worried. I mentioned it to the hygenist who said she would ask that they reconsider using it so it doesn't set off the gag thing.

I've been doing yoga too which so far the biggest benefit is the relaxation that settles over me when doing it and after. Work has been such a stress hell lately so the yoga helps to refocus.

I bought some cocoa butter and Vitamin E lotion for stretch marks. I'm certain I'll get them anyway, I have a few on my hips already from previous weight gain, but hopefully it will help diminish the impact. The ones I have aren't very apparent so hopefully that will be the case for the belly marks.

Counting down to my big anatomy ultrasound. Only four weeks to go!! We're still trying to decide whether to find out or not. It will be the big discussion in the next few weeks.

Monday, November 16, 2009

13 Weeks

Breathing a sigh of small sigh of relief... I'm in the 2nd trimester!

Now, its a small sigh of relief because something could still happen to the wee one but the odds are more in our favor that everything will continue to go well for us.

So after last week's meltdown, I got a very last minute ultrasound! Turns out the doc did send a requisition over and the nurse scheduled me last minute. DH and I went on Friday morning and it was the coolest, most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It was unbelievable to watch the baby jumping and kicking and moving around inside of me. It was a little surreal to finally realize...yep, there is a real baby in there and its coming in six months!! I still can not fully put it into words other than utterly amazing.

This week my clothes dont fit ver
y well at all but they arent tight either. My brea.sts have gone from a 38C to a 42D already! I think my ass is pregnant too, or perhaps more pregnant than my belly. My hips and rear have definitely changd. My feet are already swollen just enough to make my favorite red shoes uncomfortable. Its crazy how the body changes. Emotions are a crazy thing too, and still something that throws me for a loop when I get stupid emotional about stuff.

I think I've been feeling little pokes from the inside but I'm not putting much into it or I guess getting hopeful that it is the baby I'm feeling and not something else. I'm a first-timer and its unusual for a first-timer to feel movement early. But it is defnitely a different sensation than any other. I also really think its a girl too and have been calling the baby, "she" quite a bit.

So I am full of gratitude for making it to the 2nd trimester and for seei
ng our baby. I'm full of gratitude for a wonderful husband who continues to amaze me everyday. I'm full of gratitude for being a woman and being able to have this experience of bringing forth a new life. I'm full of gratitude for my own mother who I thought I appreciated but I got a whole new, deeper level of respect when I became pregnant.

I'm full of gratitude.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Unreasonable Sadness....

Ok this is completely irrational and unreasonable of me. The rational and reasonable side of me is completely aware and understands this.

But I can NOT stop getting teary about this. Seriously. Unreasonable hormones.

I haven't had the chance to hear my baby's heart beat.

Or see my baby.

And I'm so unreasonably upset and sad about this.

I really need to stay off the 'tubes for awhile because women on my EC have been able to hear the heartbeat by now or are getting their NT scans and other 12 week scans and I'm not. Some women are't getting any U/S until 18-25 weeks but they at least know that is what to expect. If I wasn't getting a U/S until then and knew that right now, I know I wouldn't be having these unreasonable emotions about it.

And I don't know when I am and I don't know what to expect.

My DH only feels somewhat connected to this pregnancy which is understandable because nothing is happening to him physically and he can't "see" anything happening yet.

An ultrasound would really help me and my DH get more connected to this baby.

And more importantly to know everything is going ok in there.

Again, unreasonable sadness.

But it heightens once again for me that I feel that I've been getting extremely sub-standard care for this pregnancy thus far compared to other women that I know in real life who have given birth and talked about their pre-natal care with me. They have stated a 12-14 week scan is a normal occurrence and yet the doctor I saw said that it isn't necessary but that he could possibly order one for me. So which is it and which will it be for me? I need information but when I call I feel like a major pain in their ass and like I don't matter, or one of "those first time" moms who gets "anxiety" over every little thing. Seriously, I'm not. I'm the most laid back person ever, any anxiety I've experienced over the last few weeks has been completely warranted due to the asshat midwife and her practices. Again if an ultrasound at this stage isn't warranted, then a doctor needs to tell me because I would be ok if I knew what was to be expected. And even if I don't get a U/S right now, can I at least hear my baby's heartbeat?

It does not help I'm getting shit on at work over something completely out of my control and completely not my fault. So between that bullshit at work and this...

Completely unreasonable. My rational and logical side knows this completely.

Monday, November 9, 2009

12 Weeks

My first appointment went well with the doctor. It was your standard first appointment but I'm just grateful to be getting care. I have a follow up in two weeks with him and then will go forward with an OB. I haven't gained any weight which is good and my blood pressure was normal too.

The fatigue has definitely lessened since last week, especially during the late afternoons. But now I'm sick. Stupid cold. I have the worst cough ever and went home sick on Friday. I could have stayed but since I can't take any meds, I figured I should stay home and rest. It is much better today but still coughing like an idiot. My voice sounds really husky and deep....I told my co-worker I should be on one of those 1-900 numbers. Wouldn't that be impressive to talk with mom about on our next phone call?

"Dear how did you use your Master's degree this week?"

"I joined the Hawt Girls XXX network 3 nights a week."

"Lovely dear."

"Yeah if this works out, I might join the Psychic Network."

Anyway, this too shall pass.

I also have a spurt of acne mostly on my temples and a bit around my nose. Its a bit obnoxious but nothing horrible. Its not a total breakout.

In other news, I found my uterus.

That sounds like it was lost or something.

I should say I can feel my uterus. Supposedly its the size of a grapefruit right now but with my extra belly fat, I'm not showing yet. But I've been poking around trying to feel it and I finally felt the top of it yesterday.

So I went downstairs to show DH and as I walked into the living room, I had my hand in my pants.

Cue image of a female Al Bundy.

I really am more refined and dignified than I describe.

DH sees me with my hand in my pants and was like "What's going on here?" Hehe!

So I grabbed his hand and said "here, can you feel that little hard bump?" He could and I told him that is where the baby is and he said "I don't want to hurt the baby." I said you'll hurt me before the baby if you press to hard. Anyway, he thought that was pretty cool.

Ahh its the little things that amuse us right now.

Monday, November 2, 2009

11 Weeks

Hooray for 11 weeks! Two more weeks and I'll be in the 2T!! I'm so excited!

My belly feels harder this week. I am heavy but it doesn't feel like a jelly roll or jiggle that much anymore, hehe! So thats cool. I still can't really feel my uterus even though I know thats why my belly is hard to the touch...I can't really distinguish it from the rest of my gut I guess. A few more weeks and it should be pretty obvious.

My craving for the last week has been hot chocolate. Like at least every morning and sometimes later that day in the evening. I still haven't been sick but eating doesn't sound fun at all and nothing sounds good except potatoes, cheese and hot chocolate. Ugh, I hope I can enjoy food again. I grateful I'm not vomiting though so I'll take nothing tastes good over that.

I got vaccinated for the H1N1 flu on Saturday. I seriously struggled with this decision since August even before I found out I was PG, because I figured there would be a good chance I would be PG this winter. I'm not anti-vax, I just have enough healthy skepticism to think really hard before doing things. Anyway, I'm glad I did it now especially given the population I work with who are generally in poor health, immuno-suppressed and dont care much about their own health, let alone mine.

I have my appointment on Thursday with a family doctor and then from there will get my referral to an OB. I'll get bloodwork started and possibly my 13 week scan scheduled as well. I'm excited and just happy to be getting seen by somebody. I can't wait to see the LO and I'm sure it will make this all so very real for my DH.

My hair seems abnormally dry and frizzy looking lately. I'm switching shampoos and getting a haircut tomorrow to see if that helps at all. I'm also getting a little bit of acne but nothing major.

I'll be really glad when I'm out the 1T because the fatigue is getting annoying. I have zero motivation to clean, go grocery shopping or do anything productive except sit in front of tv or sleep. Hopefully my energy will come back very soon!

Will post an update after my Thursday appointment.

Tears = A Small Meaningful Victory

A client I've been seeing since February who has been struggling a lot with alcoholism and mental health issues has been riding a very bumpy wave.

He agreed about a month ago that he would start to address "real" issues that were "deeper" than he has touched on before.

So we started with an exercise in "sitting amongst your shit" aka "here are some cards with negative emotions, how do they make you feel having to face them." Yes I made it up. But "sitting amongst your shit" aka "dealing with crappy unpleasant stuff in life" is not a skill many addicts have at all which is why they abuse drugs and alcohol.

It was quite effective. I almost got him to cry. At the very least, he started to talk.

Today he came back for a session after the card session and he had been struggling again. Not due to the exercise, just due to life being "normal" and he not being able to cope.

By the end of the session, we touched more on shame and guilt and he got pretty emotional but still no tears. We dug into some childhood stuff. He was scratching himself, rubbing his neck, rubbing his eyes, running his hands up and down his legs...basically everything possible to NOT cry. He has said many times he has never cried in front of others.

But he finally let go.

He did it.

He cried.

And he felt real, serious, honest emotions for the first time in months.

It was a victory.

Not for me though but for him.

He desperately NEEDED to cry and to do it in a place that is safe and without judgment.

His relief was palpable.

A small but every meaningful victory.

I'll take it.

Monday, October 26, 2009

10 Weeks

I broke down and bought a new pair of pants tonight. My old ones still fit but there is a small hole in the seam on my hip and I dont know how to sew (how lame is that?!) they are looking pretty beat up too.

I feel pretty good, just super tired. Seems like the fatigue is worse the last few days. I can no longer sleep on my back, it just gets too sore. I bought a body pillow tonight to help ease the back pain.

I miss sex. DH and I haven't had any nookie since our anniversary trip and we're both a little edgy because of it. Its mostly due to my fatigue really, not for lack of desire. Sex is actually better since getting PG so I miss it a lot.

Still a lot of problems with getting care. I had a serious meltdown today and cried for an hour. Sobbing, ugly body-wracking crying...I had to take a nap to calm myself down. To put a long story short, MW hasnt returned my phone calls so I'm trying to get another MW or doctor. And the process to get a doctor involves me going to a walk-in clinic (to expose myself to really sick people when I'm perfectly healthy...makes no sense) to simply get a referral and one of the OB's I called today (before I found out I need a referral) said they weren't taking anybody until Nobody gets pregnant in this town so you dont fit any new pregnant women into your practice?! How the hell do Canadian women get adequate pre-natal care?!?! Or am I just super-duper lucky special case (note dripping sarcasm) and this is a nightmare I'll get out of soon?!?! That was really the last straw for me emotionally and I just friggin lost it. Ugh this sucks. I just want to know that me and my baby will have good pre-natal care and its getting to the point where I need to have SOMETHING, anything scheduled so I can get it started. I don't care if its not for another 2-3 weeks...I need SOMETHING on my calendar saying I can get in to see someone for blood work, paperwork, see my baby or hear the heartbeat. I think I'm going to cry again...

And my friend from work just called and said her nephew has H1n1 and that she has been exposed. The agency is making her go to work since she isn't symptomatic yet but it puts ME at risk because we run a therapy group together. The management doesnt know yet that I'm PG because I still dont have my contract (they'r dragging their feet for some stupid unknown reason) so I can't tell work that I'm PG...ugh...AND with the whole MW fiasco...if I had gotten in to see her before TODAY, I would have been able to get my vaccine TODAY when they started rolling them out for PG women. Ugh, ugh ugh!

Needless to say this last week has not been a good one for me and this week isn't looking much better. I'm grateful that everything appears to be going ok for spotting, cramping or anything so I hope that is a good sign.

Prayers for a better week and hopefully I dont get sick.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Lost Child


My morphine addict was discharged from treatment 3 weeks ago. Apparently she was putting a lot of "hope" back into her family and friends.

And her status is "Program Incomplete."


She has since gone AWOL and hasn't contacted family or friends in 3 weeks.


She is a case where I can honestly say I did everything I could for her so she could help herself.

She continues to choose to stay sick. Its a cunning, powerful disease.

Sometimes this job really sucks....


Monday, October 19, 2009

9 Weeks

My pants are getting tight! But I weighed myself and still the same pre-pregnancy which is good for me since I probably will be advised to only gain about 15 pounds throughout the pregnancy. Aaack...and I'm sure I'll need a new bra next week.

I finally got a call today from my midwife's secretary after THREE messages to them since Wednesday. She said that my MW would be calling me "soon" to set up another appointment. Apparently she's been "busy with a lot of births" but still...a phone call goes a really long way for someone that so far hasn't been impressed with the level of professionalism displayed. I know midwives are busy people and babies come whenever and wherever but just a simple little phone call from her secretary to let me know would have been wonderful.

My friend who recently gave birth in May and had this woman was so upset to hear how difficult it has been for me with this MW. She gave a really glowing recommendation of the lady, the practice and the secretary as well. So I really don't get it and I really hope it doesn't become a pattern.

So emotional was I on Friday night about this whole thing that as I was going to bed, I laid there thinking irrationally "What if I don't get to see anybody? What if the docs can't see me? Nobody cares about me or my baby." Seriously...the crap that goes on in your mind is wild. Never before would I have thought such things before but I was seriously close to tears and had to practice grounding techniques to get back to earth!!

I've decided that getting up to pee every hour in the night is THE most annoying pregnancy symptom by far. And I have a full freaking bladder every time even though its been HOURS since I had something to drink. So weird. And I didn't sleep well last night in general and I was so frustrated because I kept tossing and turning and I kept looking over at my DH who was sleeping so wonderfully thinking, you lucky jerk. I had to take a nap this afternoon and I slept so good for an hour. So I'll have to practice pelvic lifts and kegels to hopefully help with getting up at night.

I really can't wait to see and hear the baby's heartbeat. Its been on my mind a lot today and this weekend. I so hope everything is going ok in there but I have no reason to believe otherwise. Only my one aunt has a child with a congenital defect and the women in my family have carried healthy babies to term with relatively good pregnancies. My mother did miscarry one child at 6 weeks but her mother did not miscarry so I think the odds are in our favor. Of course we have no control and can only pray for a healthy, happy baby. I think the reason I'm thinking about this so much is the lack of that first appointment. Even though the liklihood of hearing or seeing the baby at that point is low, I think its the whole ordeal and feeling like a lack of care even though I'm not behind really. I will still get an U/S at 13ish weeks to check out everything which is only a few weeks away at this point.

But its amazing how much I look forward to Mondays...Mondays are my weeks and its a relief to get to another Monday to start a new week on this journey.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

No Appointment :(

Today was my first appt with my midwife. DH took two hours off work, I snuck out of a meeting (and have to make up somewhere this week 90 minutes!!) and we drove 25 minutes away to the clinic. Nobody was there!! It was locked up tight and nobody was around. We found a pay phone and called but just got a machine so I left a message. We waited for 30 minutes and I was bawling my eyes out. When we got back to town, we stopped at the house to see if they left a message this morning and nothing on our machine. Also I haven't heard back from them yet since I left the message this morning.

My rational side says its obvious she was called to a birth and that's totally ok. My hormonal side is so upset I didn't get my first appointment. I've been waiting for 4 weeks for this appt and it's the only thing that has helped me pass the time without going nuts. Plus it would have been nice to get a message. This woman has someone in the office that takes appointments and phone calls so you would think someone would have called to reschedule. My friend that had her said they warned her it may happen but they always called to reschedule before she went out there. :(

I'm so bummed out. I'm 8 weeks PG and haven't had any care at all yet. No blood tests, no U/S and now I'm booked out with clients until the end of October so I don't know how I'll squeeze in another appt. Ugh today just sucks!!!

Monday, October 12, 2009

8 Weeks

Lots of questions this week from people. Its funny the things people ask you or give advice about when you get PG.

I've had to explain my rationale for choosing a midwife over a doctor. I was asked if I'm against epidurals. I would prefer to not use an epi but when push comes to shove (no pun intended...ok maybe, lol) I am not against them at all and may find the need for one myself. I just prefer the care of a midwife over a doctor and I know that if necessary, I can be transferred to a doctor's care very easily. One of DH's aunts was like "oh JUST a midwife, eh?" Yes just a MW who happens to be a trained nurse and certified MW and has delivered over 1800 babies, thanks...grrrr.

My pants are getting tight. I almost bought a pair in the next size up but I decided to wait it out. I'll probably just break down and buy maternity pants anyway instead of just getting bigger pants. I need a new bra too but its not too noticeable yet that my cups runneth over.

I got to hold a two month old for a few hours on Saturday. She slept in my arms for at least an hour and I talked to her mom about PG and birth. It was so fun and the little wee one is so sweet!

The first thing mother in law asked me this weekend when she saw me was "Hi! Are you showing yet??" To which I replied, "Haha, I'm too fat to show yet." Ugh...seriously!!?? At 8 weeks, I'm supposed to be showing?!?! Craziness...and really, I am heavy to start with so I dont expect to show that much until much later in the 2nd trimester.

The other thing from her was a registery. Ugh honestly. I have no desire to shop and when I think about it, its very overwhelming. I really don't want to do any shopping or decision making until I hit the 2nd trimester. I was telling DH's cousins about this (they have two children each, one of which was the 2 month old) and they totally backed me up. MIL must have overheard me because she was looking right at me. So I hope she gets the hint. She also asked if she could buy the which I replied I need to speak with my parents first. She said she wants to buy a "big thing." Ok Super Ma Mere....

I sound like a bitch I know but I'm really not. I know she is excited for us and for the baby but enough already. Just like getting married and planning a wedding, I don't obsess over these things like other people I guess. I'm also a really grounded person and I just don't get giddy or giggly over this stuff. I am SUPER excited and I love being pregnant and I can't wait for the baby. But I definitely don't gush non-stop about it. I would become those annoying women I don't like very much. I dont want a baby to be the entire focus of my life until May. Am I being completely irrational and ridiculous about this??

I asked DH if it would be unreasonable to wait to buy a crib until my parents come after the baby is born and then my parents could buy us the crib. This way my parents are involved, DH and my dad can bond over putting the crib together and we really don't need a crib right away as I plan to get a bassinet for our bedroom. I figured MIL could buy the bassinet for us which may placate her need to buy "a big thing." He seemed to like this idea so we'll see what we end up doing. Everything else in the nursery will be ready before the baby gets here.

I did buy the baby a polar bear this weekend. Arctic baby animals is our nursery theme and Build-A-Bear has a polar bear. So I stuffed it and bought the baby for it...its super duper cute and cuddly. I named him Ice Cap. He'll go in our room for awhile until we get the nursery started sometime in January.

My first appointment with my midwife is on Wednesday. I'm very excited about that and so is DH. It will feel like things are moving along at a good pace after seeing her I think and get my mind on the ultrasounds and seeing the baby.

Finally I dreamed this week about the delivery and in the dream DH shouted, "Its a girl." I've been calling the baby "she" all week too. I kind of think its a girl but I hope its not just hoping that has me thinking this way.

Will update after my appointment on Wednesday.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


I've been in a spiritual crisis for about 7 years now but I'm figuring out that when I'm close to nature and taking pictures of nature that I feel close and connected to whatever higher power there may be out there. Forests, oceans and wheat fields are my favorite things to photograph and the parts of nature I identify with parts of my personality. Here are some of my recent pics from our trip. We took a hike in the forest and also a steamship lunch cruise on a big lake in Ontario. It was cloudy and overcast but I still got some nice pictures. I'll post lots of pictures like this on my blog...its definitely a release for me and a way to connect to something other than my self.

Monday, October 5, 2009

7 Weeks

7 weeks today.

Two weeks ago, someone told me that pregnancy is "like a marathon your body is running without your consent or total awareness."

Its very true.

I'm excited every week to reach a new week because it means its that much closer to the 2T. Still a week to my midwife appointment though, it can't get here fast enough.

Still very tired but the nausea only comes and goes. For the most part I'm eating normally except no alcohol (obviously) and no caffeine (which is a little harder but not really). I had a major coffee habit in the mornings, Pepsi at least once a day and tea after supper. A friend of mine who doesn't know I'm PG brought me a Pepsi today to our training and it wasn't even tempting. Of course I didn't tell her why I didn't drink it, I just put in my bag "for later." I thought giving up Pepsi and coffee would be really really hard but Mommy instincts must kick in right away.

I had some round ligament pain last night before bed. It was a dull pain on the left side. At first I got evil thoughts in my head but soon calmed myself to attributing it to RLP. It was reassuring to have that symptom as my other symptoms have been mild and tolerable except for the exhaustion.

By the way, this wont be turning into a PG blog! I intend to post pics soon from our trip this weekend.

But I need to go to bed now...I'm exhausted!

Monday, September 28, 2009

6 Weeks

6 weeks and the word of the day is exhaustion.

I'm so tired.

Knock down. Dead out. Tired.

I took a belly pic today but I'm overweight and already have a belly so it doesn't look like much. Probably wont see significant change until later in the 2T. Will still take them I guess.

Also getting more frequent nausea but nothing completely intolerable. I've been taking extra B6 since I got my BFP which seems to be helping. Little Bugger doesn't seem to be too hard on me yet!

DH is more and more excited about the baby too. Almost everybody knows now except work. Its getting harder and harder to hide it at work because I just want to sleep in my office.

The exhaustion is made worse at work by the fact that none of my clients are showing up lately! So I'm sitting around with my thumb up my arse. And all my assessments and paperwork is caught up so I really don't have anything to do when they don't show up!! Grrr!! Makes the urge to sleep even stronger in the afternoon.

Anyway, I'm going to bed early tonight. Its cold and rainy which makes for no sun which makes it even more appealing to just stay in bed all day.

Currently reading: The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett. I read it two years ago and it was awesome. I just bought the sequel, World Without End which I'm excited to get to but need to re-read the first book. I highly recommend is a wonderful story set in the Middle Ages and the main "character" is a cathedral. Yep a cathedral. I'm not much into historical fiction or stories set in that era of time, but this is probably in my top 5 favorite books of all time. Go get it!

Monday, September 21, 2009

5 Weeks

I'm at 5 weeks today.

I feel really good during the day, just super tired. It's starting to show as people at work are asking about me. I'm normally high energy, talkative and animated at work and I'm just a slug right now. I hope I don't have to hide it much longer. So far only two people know and they're keeping it quiet.

I'm starting to get night nausea as well where I feel like absolute crap after dinner or late afternoon. I bought some healthy snacks tonight that I'm taking to work, hoping that will help the afternoon stuff. I'm also taking B6 in the mornings and so far I haven't had issues during the morning or day. No throwing up though which is a huge bonus.

I had my first emotional meltdown last night. It was so bizarre. I was pissed off and when I'm pissed, at times I cry....but I was really mad but it felt like SAD crying...oh for weird.

I made an appointment with a midwife today. My appointment isnt until October 14 though which seems late to me, but its really not that far away. I was relieved when they said they would take me. There are only three midwives in our area and its hard to get basically call as soon as you get a positive pregnancy test. I have to drive 30 minutes to see her which isn't a big deal and she came highly recommended by a friend who gave birth in May. The other bonus is that she will come to your home for 6 weeks post-partum to check up on you, baby, and help with any issues like breastfeeding. BTDT's, did you DH's come to your first appointment??

I gave DH some books tonight. One was The Expectant Father and the other is a hardbook called Hockey Numbers. LOL! Its a childrens counting book that's all about my DH's favorite sport, hockey. I told him he could read to my belly and the baby when he/she gets here. He was pretty touched by it I think. I'm going to buy him Z is for Zamboni when I can find it. We also looked through my A Child is Born book at the pics of a 5 week old embryo. Its pretty cool to think little bugger will have a heartbeat this week! Hope its nice and strong and keeps flickering away. Its fun talking to DH about the baby's growth, he has loads of questions.

Keep growing little bébé, Mommy and Daddy love you so much already and we can't wait to see you in a few weeks!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Listening vs. Hearing

I listen a lot.

Everyday in fact.

My job is centered around listening. Listening to the client, their problems, their triumphs, their challenges.

Admittedly, I do a lot of hearing as well.

It is a very fine line of distinction between listening and hearing.

Hearing only requires the use of ears.

Listening requires not only the ears but also the brain.





We hear lots of sounds and most of it is noise. Again, the distinction between noise and sounds is also very fine.

Hearing can be a protective mechanism. Usually for our egos, but also for our patience or our humility. Sometimes it can be detrimental to only practice hearing especially in relationships and friendships.

Listening can be so very difficult, especially when its something we don't want to think of, process or understand. Listening is an acquired skill that requires practicing and fine-tuning.

Before I was pregnant, I only really heard my body. I often loathed what it was telling me too. Now I feel like I'm listening to it and I'm slowly starting to marvel at what it is telling me.

So listening vs. hearing. I think I'll practice more listening especially with my relationships.

I find that I need to do less hearing, more listening. More thinking, processing, understanding, empathizing.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

4 Weeks

I'm not entirely sure if this is really happening to me.

To us.

Are we really having a baby??

Its crazy because I feel so normal...aside from a few symptoms, but if I hadn't seen those lines I wouldn't think I was pregnant.

Anyway, we're over the moon but still processing it. Honestly when you decide to try and then you go for it, you hope it happens right away but its still shocking when it does...which sounds so backwards. I've read too many people's heartbreaking stories of fertility problems (including a close friend) and I know we are so very blessed.

Forgive me though....I'm still in shock!!

As for symptoms, I have sore nips, lots of CM, extremely heightened sense of smell, lots of burping and gas, and I'm exhausted. No cramping or spotting which is a relief...knock wood. Of course I expect a bit of twinging here and there as my uterus starts to grow.

As for the news telling, I brought out the four positive pee sticks to show DH on top of a book on fatherhood I bought for him. Of course, he is extremely logical and detail oriented and wants to know the minutiae of he's like "what does this mean?" Haha...and so I had to explain the pee tests and I think overall he was just in shock. Of course his next comment was "that was easy," followed by "I told you I was good." Aaah men, I tell ya!!

Anyway, the male admin assistant at my job found out next after making some cracks about drinking lots of booze. I couldn't hold my poker face. I swore him to secrecy and made him swear not to tell anybody at work and I told him I would know its him because he's the only one there that knows. He's doing well so far, surprisingly. He's one of those guys that is probably dying to tell everybody. Anyway he's a good friend; I wasn't expecting for him to be the first but I guess. We also told DH's best friend and I called my best friend yesterday who squealed on the phone for at least 15 minutes! We plan to tell our parents this weekend.

Anyway, we're so happy and so blessed. Its crazy to think how much our life will change in 9 months. I'm hoping and praying this little bébé sticks good and grows into a very healthy wee one.

Monday, September 14, 2009

House Update and Pictures

Bathroom After

Up close of stripes..dark plum and silver gray
Before Bedroom

After Bedroom

After Bedroom

More pics to follow next week and living room!!!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Seeing Lines and Plus Signs....

I've been seeing lines and plus signs for two days now...

I'm pregnant.

Thrilled beyond belief.

And in utter shock as well.

More later...

Friday, September 4, 2009

Busy Busy...

I've been crazy busy for the last two weeks. We are in our house now and its been a reno mess ever since.

So far we've painted three rooms, replaced carpet in the bedroom and replaced the laminate in the main living area.

Hopefully it'll be "normal" in my kitchen won't look like a construction zone soon.

In other news, DH and I have somehow managed to GOFO in our attempts to conceive a last minute May baby. I'm in the two week wait now so we'll see what happens. I don't plan to test unless I'm late...I'm not a POAS addict (unless I don't know what the hell is going on, like last cycle) and would rather see AF than a BFN.

Work is morphine addict got to the nick of time I class is over today too which will be a relief. Just too busy.

I'm so happy its fall now...its my favorite season! I love the cooler weather, the leaves changing, the smells of home-cooked food.

Hopefully I'll be more active on here soon...its been crazy! Hopefully I'll be able to post pictures of our work too!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

In the Game....

She arrived...late for the party but finally here. I'm not upset because it was totally expected but very relieved even though she got a tongue lashing for not getting here earlier!!

We're officially in the game now!!

I'm slightly weirded out and scared and excited and happy and wowza....a million things all at once.

DH is excited too...or just really happy he's going to get laid a lot now..haha

Anyway, today is much better and brighter than recent memory.

Here we go...

Monday, August 17, 2009


I feel like a mess.

AF has not shown. And I've tested 5 times..BFN's.

I'm pissed off, irritated and upset. I have NEVER had a wonky cycle in 17 years and the month I want to start TTC, my body decides to screw with my mind.

Thank you uterus, you hateful, hateful organ.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Work is crappy right now and this move has me stressed out for reasons I don't understand. I should be happy and I am happy but I just want it to be over.

I'm crying over stupid shit. I feel like I'm losing control. I'm crying and I don't know why.

I really don't know why I feel this way but I feel like a mess.

I hope this passes soon because I hate feeling this way. If I at least understood why, it would make it better.

I'm so tired. I haven't slept in two weeks. That isn't helping I know because I'm a person that needs my sleep or I simply don't function.

I wish I could take a day off and take it for myself. Not think about anything or do anything or worry about anything. A true mental health day.

Either my hormones are way out of whack or the stress is breaking me down.

I just need to go to bed.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

How Much Is That Doggy In the Window?

This house thing is an expensive little problem.

Not problem of course. Not really.

But expensive nonetheless.

Even bathroom towels and decor is expensive. Its just towels!!

And paint?? Geezus murphy....

At any rate, we close a week from tomorrow which is slightly insane to me since it feels like we JUST put the offer in yesterday.

But now with this house, our car has decided to turn on the "check engine" light. Oh holy hell...

Our car is a 1997. Everybody in his family, namely his grandma the previous owner of said car, always raves about what great shape it is in.

Yeah on the outside. It looks brand new (gag).

Inside though its a ticking time bomb. It rattles and bangs worse than a garbage truck. It squeals louder than a baby seal pup. We put about $1000 in it last winter and I really hope it doesn't decide to crap out on us now. It is in desperate need of an oil change so I hope thats all it needs.

Damn expenses.

Never ends. And I have to exercise control over shopping needlessly before we close so we dont run out of money for real necessities.

How much is that doggy in the window.......

In other news I'm up to four days a week now at the agency. So that helps just in case we find ourselves in need of a new car shortly. Politics at work are less than pleasant right now which makes it hard to go to work. Especially after yesterday's meeting from hell...

And finally AF is a no-show. She's late for the party. She's nowhere to be found.



She's a tricky bitch I think. Playing tricks on me, getting my hopes up because I'm so certain that the condoms did not fail last cycle. I don't feel pregnant at all, no significant symptoms.

I'm going to track her down by Saturday.

Or maybe she'll be AWOL for awhile.

Which I'll probably faint from utter surprise.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Go for Launch...

Robert and I have decided that we will definitely be starting for a baby in August. I'm due for AF this weekend and we will officially be in the game thereafter.

I'm so excited!! We've been set on August and then as it got closer, we started to wonder if maybe September-October would be better. But honestly, it doesn't make THAT much of a difference and I really can't wait any longer.

It'll be a little nutso since we are closing on our house right around the time I expect to ovulate but we're going to make the best of it and hope it works out.

I can barely stand the wait for AF now. I hope its my last visit from her for a long time!!

Friday, July 31, 2009

Echos in Empty Rooms....

So this week I went to our house with our realtor and the carpet lady. Carpet Lady measured rooms to make sure about our order for the carpet and laminate. I measured the fridge space so we could buy a fridge this week.

What was really cool was that it was entirely empty save a few piles of crap in the garage. So it really started to feel like home.

It echoed.

It was really cool to hear my own voice bouncing off the walls. Walls waiting to be freshly painted. Walls where our photographs and artwork will hang soon

It was cool to walk through the house and see the flooring we are replacing.

Out with the old, in with the new.

It echoed dreams my DH and I have for this home.

The bedroom that we hope to conceive our children in, hopefully soon. Where we spend our time together, talking and whispering. Our little haven in the bigger world. The only room we don't have to share with other people.

The future nursery, currently some other little girls room. But someday will have arctic snow animals and red and blue walls. It will welcome our new little boy or girl someday and they'll make it their own through their imagination.

The living room where we'll entertain family and friends. Wine and laughs, parties and conversation.

Where we'll have our first Christmas in our house with a real tree and all the trimmings.

The kitchen where wonderful scents will permeate throughout the house. Where I can showcase my cooking abilities and teach my little ones how to bake cookies.

The front door that we'll bring our new baby through soon.

The rec room where my DH wants to have parties with his friends, watching hockey games on TV, chasing our kids around the room.

The big beautiful yard that will be green and lush and full of flowers.

It echoed.

What a beautiful sound.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Never Work Harder Than Your Client...

Ahh never were truer words spoken.

Or learned by me.

Especially recently.

I work with addicts.

I only have one client over the age of 30. Somehow I've been "specialized" into youth. Which is kinda cool because they are the client group I'm most comfortable with and probably most respected by due to my own age.

The thing about addicts is they come in all shapes, sizes, ages, statues, and drugs of choice.

I've decided that prescription pills are the devil incarnate.

And morphine really sucks.

Especially by needle.

Oh and should never take a young man's life so early.

But lately I find myself working harder than my clients. I do a shitload of paper work and phone calls and checking in...

Making sure I offer the best services possible...

And for what??? At least I'm kept busy I suppose.

But the paper trail certainly doesnt benefit them very much at all.

And I can only do so much. I certainly can't take them home with me or hold their hand all night.

Or flush the booze or take the needles away. Or hold them hostage in my office until they "hit the wall."

Somehow, there is this extremely popular myth that social workers/counsellors/psychologists are supposed to work miracles.


Working with people in need is my passion. I'm good at it and I love it.

The trouble is needy people wear you out fast.

Especially when you're working harder than they are.

And if there is one thing that addicts are really, really good at is doing just enough to live. Just enough to make it. Just enough to make everybody else work harder for them, than they are working for themselves.

Sometimes they seem like they want it bad enough.

"It" meaning a clean and sober life.

So they'll do whatever it takes to get it.

Or at least say they do. Make you think they do. Half-ass attempt to do it.

Sometimes they need a break. Sometimes they need a benefit of the doubt.

Other times, they need a swift kick in the arse.

I have two clients that have needed the swift kick recently.

One I have to say that I really like and really enjoy him because he comes every week without fail and I know its because its the only support he has right now.

But we had it out and he got a kick in the arse and it seems to be getting better. I'll be dropping him in short order if he doesn't stick it out and work harder than he has been so far.

The other one I think may die.

I'm being totally serious. She is too. She doesnt think she'll make it to 30.

I'm not sure if she'll make it til the end of tonight.

She's a fiend. For the needle.

A fiend.

Pumping her veins full of poison. Enough poison to numb the pain. Pain that I can't see or touch or ever fully understand.

What if she numbs too much?

What if she has already??

The spectre of death seems to follow this girl. And I can't get her help fast enough.

Damn red tape and bureaucratic bullshit.

Damn rules and regulations.

Damn wait-lists and processes.

I'm not a miracle worker....I can't carry that burden. I can't carry the burden my clients carry of getting themselves better....

But I so hope this client makes it long enough...

Survives just a little longer...

To see what its like on the other side of the wall...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Packing the Photos...

Last night I was packing away photo albums and I came across a small photo album with my junior and senior prom pictures in it. I was with the same boy, my first boyfriend, both years. We dated for three years. He was a major regret. More about him later.

At any rate, I took a moment with my DH to look through this old photos. I felt compelled to share this part of my life with him.

And I felt very wistful.

First, I looked so young. Not a care in the world. Secondly, I remembered what it felt like to go shopping for those dresses and wear them. My junior prom dress was white satin with black velvet rose petals dripping all along it. It didn't look like a wedding gown at all and it was very innocent looking. My senior prom dress was a pale yellow ballgown. The black and white was my favorite and the yellow my mother chose for me. I remember getting ready for the prom too. My mother did my makeup. She always said a woman's makeup made all the difference in how she felt about everything else.

I also looked so small. So thin, with nice arms, and beautiful shoulders. A graceful neck and lovely legs. A double chin too which I've just resigned to the fact that regardless of my size, the only trait my father passed on to me is his chin.

And I regrettably used to beat her up so badly. That girl in the prom dress with the wide innocent smile, bright eyes and beautiful shoulders. Loads of negative self-talk about how fat she was, how flabby her tummy was, how big her hips were, how all the other girls were way smaller than she.

I beat that girl up a lot.

And I regret it.


It just allowed a weaker self to develop later in life. A self that, for a short time, accepted those words from another.

That girl developed into a secure woman to the outside world. A tough, confident, no bullshit woman. An independent woman that others are amazed by in many ways.

I think those traits exist in me and are something to be proud of, but there are my faults as well. My extreme insecurity about my body. This vessel that carries my life. A vessel I have loathed since age 12.

I'm certain that my biggest issues with my body are emotional and spiritual. I know a great deal on nutrition and exercise. I know a great deal about eating disorders, the influence of the media, the impact of my mother and other women in my family.

I know it intellectually.

But in my heart?

That's another story altogether. One I need to get to in order to heal.

I really wish I hadn't beat that girl up so much then.

I probably wouldn't be beating this woman up now...