More Answers...

26. )How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Some days I feel much older than 29, other days I feel my age. I think this goes with the status of my health and how I'm feeling mentally as well. Yet another reason why I am taking a stand to change my health.

27.) Would you break the law to save a loved one? I saw a story recently of a mother who beat up her son's drug dealer and has been charged with a assault. I have to say that for me it would depend on the circumstances. There is a difference between helping and enabling as far as the consequences of either helping or enabling but at times its difficult to figure out what you're really doing for somebody . For the mother that I cited above...assaulting a drug dealer doesnt change the nature of her son's addiction. He'll find another dealer. Its so sad and I feel for her..but if I were in her shoes, I would not have broke the law to 'save' my loved one.

28.) What makes you smile? My son. My husband. Warm days. Sunsets. Beautiful lyrics, beautiful melodies. Success. Red shoes. Jewelry. Friends. Wine. Wine with Friends. Fancy coffee. Cookies and milk. Christmas. Babies. Love.

29.) When its all said and done, will have you have said more than you've done? I really sincerely hope not. I hope every day or at least most days I am leading by example. Simply doing. Acting. Responding. Moving mountains.

30.) If you have the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be? Its cliche but its true: I'm not telling you its going to be easy. I'm telling you its going to be worth it. Also to take care of your mental health. Its just as important as physical health but the body gets much more attention than the mind.

Day 1

Is the hardest day.

Here it is folks...

Chest 45"
R Arm 14"
L Arm 14"
Waist 42" (eek)
Hips 50.5" (double eek)
R Thigh 29"
L Thig 29"
Weight 228

Why write this?

To get honest with myself.

And for help.

To remember.

And eventually forget.

Here is to Day 1. Learn and Burn Tur.bo J.am down.

Wordless Wednesday-My DH Over the Years

Questions 21-25

21. If you had to teach something, what would you teach? Before I went into psychology and the field I'm in currently, I was a first year university student and I decided I wanted to be a music teacher. I had played piano since age 8 and been in the band since grade 5, tootling away on my clarinet, bass clarinet and contra-alto clarinet. I loved music, all things music. But I walked away after I realized two things-music is very competitive and I'm hate competition and that I didn't want my joy for music to be sucked into my career as I imagined I might dislike it at some point. But if I had to teach something, I would love to teach music...the theory, the love and analysis of lyrics, the smooth necessary musical back bone of all music that is the bass line...I would love it.

22. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life? I would regret not fulling doing all I can do to be a giving human being. I would regret not being the best me, mother, wife, family member and friend I can be. I would regret not having the blessings of love and family in my life.

23. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes. 75 lbs of excess weight sa a symptom of a lack of confidence in my physical capabilities and memories of a bad relationship.

24. When you are 80 years old, what will matter to you the most? I hope that it will matter that I lived to my fullest potential. Also, a sense of humour, good bladder control and the ability to still care for myself would be cool too ;-)

25. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards and just do what you know is right? When your head and heart finally meet...to intellectually know what is right is much easier than to know it in your heart.

Unfortunate Firsts..

I met my first addict 8 years ago. Me...22, new undergraduate and fresh in the field...Her...a beautiful 17 year old girl whose "father" started her on crystal meth at age 12.

She was my first intake. She changed my life.

I remember her name, I remember her face, I remember her story.

I remember that 4th of July when she gave me the first real test of my career.

I remember the rage, the pain, her teeth, her thin frame, the tears, the sleepless nights.

I remember her laugh, her smile, the way she joked around and acted 17 instead of the too old-too soon adult she acted as more than once.

I remember the night she left our facility, 18...aged out of the youth system...getting into her meth-dependent "father's" truck after he picked up his drug before picking up his daughter.

I remember praying for her as I watched the headlights disappear. Its fitting that I was the staff on shift a she said goodbye considering all the firsts she gave me to me.

I'll remember it all for as long as I live.

I've met lots of addicts. I've heard lots of stories. I remember the stories, but I forget the names and their faces after awhile. Some stand out more than others. The stand-outs I don't forget.

Today, this goddamn wretched disease of addiction took a life. A beautiful life. A 33 year old life. A man who wrote lyrics and played the guitar. A man who served the community with a smile and encouraged his fellow peers. A father to two beautiful girls. A husband. A son.

A beautiful life. Cut short before its potential could be met.

I don't doubt other addicts I've met along the way have met similar fates. This is just the first I've actually learned of a past client's outcome.

First death.

A first I knew would come someday. A first I wish wasn't a reality.

Questions 16-20

The next series of questions from this website...

16.) Have you done anything lately worth remembering? A couple who we are friends with recently found out their almost 3 year old (3 in May) has leu.k.emia. This child already has c.yst.ic fib.ro.sis which they learned of at her newborn screening tests. I dont particularly enjoy the company of the male half of this couple (and I'm fairly certain he feels the same about me) and at times have nothing but disdain for him and his behaviors but I do get along ok with his wife. I was devastated, as we all were in our circle of friends, to learn this news, thinking of their poor child and how difficult this must be for them as parents. So despite my dislike for him, I did not forget my own grace and charity for them and their daughter and we donated some cash along with a few meals and snacks to help them out. Its worth it for me to remember this lesson of giving to people in time of need in any small way possible.

17.) What does your joy look like today? See that pic below...of my beautiful boy and our chill cat...that is my joy. My child every day is my ultimate joy, everyday.

18.) Is it possible to lie without saying a word? Yes it is. Body language and facial expression say so much more than words do at times. Lying by omission is still lying.

19.) If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend? A few months ago, I would have said for not very long. Now I'm getting better at the self-talk thing but its certainly a good question to ask oneself. I know if I heard negative talk from another, I would end the relationship in a heartbeat but you can't end your relationship with yourself so easily and it isnt always apparent there is negativity going on in your own head. Insight is pretty important when it comes to this sort of thing.

20.) Which activities make you lose track of time? Listening to music, playing the piano, cooking and baking and reading. All of my favorite things in the world...leave me with a book and my Ipod and I step out of the world for awhile.

Wordless Wednesday