Admission? Conclusion? Maybe Both...

So its something that has been weighing on my mind for 2 months now.

As a person educated with a Masters in Psychology, its definitely on my radar and something that I thought about a lot when I was pregnant too. Its something that I can easily recognize in women when they talk to me about their symptoms but it wasnt as easy to pinpoint in myself.

I think I may have a mild form of postpartum depression.

I don't have all the hallmark symptoms and I definitely don't take it out on my son. My symptoms are not even that severe or debilitating. A few things have stood out though since he was about 2 months old though, mostly a quick fuse, short on patience of which I've always had an abundance, guilt about not loving staying at home, some mild depression, feeling out of control, and a lot of isolation which is the biggie.

In fact, I'm not entirely sure its really PPD but maybe just postpartum adjustment issues. I'm trying to figure out if my feelings are outside of the realm of normal. PPD is abnormal though not uncommon, but adjustment issues are very normal and common as well. Adjustment to life as a mother, feeling like I'm losing a sense of my pre-baby self, adjusting to the demands of a baby....when you have a new baby, none of this is unusual but its hard to know when its abnormal. I still dont really know in my case.

The isolation is definitely the biggest factor. I've decided to make it a priority to go out of town with my girlfriends for a day trip every other month. I need more time with my friends that doesnt' involve the baby. So in October, we're headed for a day trip of food, shopping and wine. My one girlfriend is due in November so it will be a last outing before her newborn for awhile.

Since I've sort of concluded that this may be the case for me, I've felt a large sense of relief from it. I haven't talked to anybody about it yet because I'm still trying to figure it out and I don't think I need a medication for it. I dont think I need to do much other than be aware of my feelings, work on my thoughts about it and deal with the isolation. I can get very circular with my thinking which leads to more negative emotions and it doesnt help. I also need to just let go of the fact that my house is going to drive me nuts at times and if I dont have time, I just dont have time. That is where my lack of control is mostly directed. Awareness is the first step to treatment as it is said in my field.

Maybe its not so much of a conclusion as its finally an admission that its happening to me. Its been nagging me since Maxim was 2 months old. Its not something I"m quick to even think about when I see other women with new babies because the newborn months are so hard. Also, I think I'm coping rather well most days which I notice in others hasnt been so easy. My issues are not debilitating like PPD can be for many mothers.

Intellectually, I'm completely aware that even the ones that supposedly should be immune to this sort of thing are not immune at all. Meaning, its hard to admit that something is wrong when you know the ins and outs of it and therefore should be able to prevent it or at least cope with it better than everybody else. Not true. Intellectually I know this. But somewhere in my pride its very hard to admit that this has been a problem. Unfortunately when you work in mental health, this mindset of personal immunity from the ailments you treat is very common so it will be hard for me to admit to others because many of my friends work in mental health.

So admission? Conclusion? I think its both. I'm still working of figuring out completely though. The personal relief I've felt from it since admitting it to myself has already done wonders on my mood and perspective. Next step is to speak with a trusted friend who specializes in PPD and get her thoughts before hashing it out any further. I think she'll keep my confidence about it and be able to help me navigate what is normal vs. abnormal as well.