Echos in Empty Rooms....

So this week I went to our house with our realtor and the carpet lady. Carpet Lady measured rooms to make sure about our order for the carpet and laminate. I measured the fridge space so we could buy a fridge this week.

What was really cool was that it was entirely empty save a few piles of crap in the garage. So it really started to feel like home.

It echoed.

It was really cool to hear my own voice bouncing off the walls. Walls waiting to be freshly painted. Walls where our photographs and artwork will hang soon

It was cool to walk through the house and see the flooring we are replacing.

Out with the old, in with the new.

It echoed dreams my DH and I have for this home.

The bedroom that we hope to conceive our children in, hopefully soon. Where we spend our time together, talking and whispering. Our little haven in the bigger world. The only room we don't have to share with other people.

The future nursery, currently some other little girls room. But someday will have arctic snow animals and red and blue walls. It will welcome our new little boy or girl someday and they'll make it their own through their imagination.

The living room where we'll entertain family and friends. Wine and laughs, parties and conversation.

Where we'll have our first Christmas in our house with a real tree and all the trimmings.

The kitchen where wonderful scents will permeate throughout the house. Where I can showcase my cooking abilities and teach my little ones how to bake cookies.

The front door that we'll bring our new baby through soon.

The rec room where my DH wants to have parties with his friends, watching hockey games on TV, chasing our kids around the room.

The big beautiful yard that will be green and lush and full of flowers.

It echoed.

What a beautiful sound.

Never Work Harder Than Your Client...

Ahh never were truer words spoken.

Or learned by me.

Especially recently.

I work with addicts.

I only have one client over the age of 30. Somehow I've been "specialized" into youth. Which is kinda cool because they are the client group I'm most comfortable with and probably most respected by due to my own age.

The thing about addicts is they come in all shapes, sizes, ages, statues, and drugs of choice.

I've decided that prescription pills are the devil incarnate.

And morphine really sucks.

Especially by needle.

Oh and booze....it should never take a young man's life so early.

But lately I find myself working harder than my clients. I do a shitload of paper work and phone calls and checking in...

Making sure I offer the best services possible...

And for what??? At least I'm kept busy I suppose.

But the paper trail certainly doesnt benefit them very much at all.

And I can only do so much. I certainly can't take them home with me or hold their hand all night.

Or flush the booze or take the needles away. Or hold them hostage in my office until they "hit the wall."

Somehow, there is this extremely popular myth that social workers/counsellors/psychologists are supposed to work miracles.

Sigh...

Working with people in need is my passion. I'm good at it and I love it.

The trouble is needy people wear you out fast.

Especially when you're working harder than they are.

And if there is one thing that addicts are really, really good at is doing just enough to live. Just enough to make it. Just enough to make everybody else work harder for them, than they are working for themselves.

Sometimes they seem like they want it bad enough.

"It" meaning a clean and sober life.

So they'll do whatever it takes to get it.

Or at least say they do. Make you think they do. Half-ass attempt to do it.

Sometimes they need a break. Sometimes they need a benefit of the doubt.

Other times, they need a swift kick in the arse.

I have two clients that have needed the swift kick recently.

One I have to say that I really like and really enjoy him because he comes every week without fail and I know its because its the only support he has right now.

But we had it out and he got a kick in the arse and it seems to be getting better. I'll be dropping him in short order if he doesn't stick it out and work harder than he has been so far.

The other one I think may die.

I'm being totally serious. She is too. She doesnt think she'll make it to 30.

I'm not sure if she'll make it til the end of tonight.

She's a fiend. For the needle.

A fiend.

Pumping her veins full of poison. Enough poison to numb the pain. Pain that I can't see or touch or ever fully understand.

What if she numbs too much?

What if she has already??

The spectre of death seems to follow this girl. And I can't get her help fast enough.

Damn red tape and bureaucratic bullshit.

Damn rules and regulations.

Damn wait-lists and processes.

I'm not a miracle worker....I can't carry that burden. I can't carry the burden my clients carry of getting themselves better....

But I so hope this client makes it long enough...

Survives just a little longer...

To see what its like on the other side of the wall...

Packing the Photos...

Last night I was packing away photo albums and I came across a small photo album with my junior and senior prom pictures in it. I was with the same boy, my first boyfriend, both years. We dated for three years. He was a major regret. More about him later.

At any rate, I took a moment with my DH to look through this old photos. I felt compelled to share this part of my life with him.

And I felt very wistful.

First, I looked so young. Not a care in the world. Secondly, I remembered what it felt like to go shopping for those dresses and wear them. My junior prom dress was white satin with black velvet rose petals dripping all along it. It didn't look like a wedding gown at all and it was very innocent looking. My senior prom dress was a pale yellow ballgown. The black and white was my favorite and the yellow my mother chose for me. I remember getting ready for the prom too. My mother did my makeup. She always said a woman's makeup made all the difference in how she felt about everything else.

I also looked so small. So thin, with nice arms, and beautiful shoulders. A graceful neck and lovely legs. A double chin too which I've just resigned to the fact that regardless of my size, the only trait my father passed on to me is his chin.

And I regrettably used to beat her up so badly. That girl in the prom dress with the wide innocent smile, bright eyes and beautiful shoulders. Loads of negative self-talk about how fat she was, how flabby her tummy was, how big her hips were, how all the other girls were way smaller than she.

I beat that girl up a lot.

And I regret it.

Everyday.

It just allowed a weaker self to develop later in life. A self that, for a short time, accepted those words from another.

That girl developed into a secure woman to the outside world. A tough, confident, no bullshit woman. An independent woman that others are amazed by in many ways.

I think those traits exist in me and are something to be proud of, but there are my faults as well. My extreme insecurity about my body. This vessel that carries my life. A vessel I have loathed since age 12.

I'm certain that my biggest issues with my body are emotional and spiritual. I know a great deal on nutrition and exercise. I know a great deal about eating disorders, the influence of the media, the impact of my mother and other women in my family.

I know it intellectually.

But in my heart?

That's another story altogether. One I need to get to in order to heal.

I really wish I hadn't beat that girl up so much then.

I probably wouldn't be beating this woman up now...

In the Beginning....

To start fresh, I've started this blog. Call me Ruby.

Half to Whole...I'm not entirely certain what it means to me yet but perhaps the topics I intend to write about will make it more clear for myself and others.

First its a blog about me, my dear husband and our life. Also in part about my life as a wife, daughter, counselor and many other things. I'm hoping that by writing it will help me improve all of these areas in my life.

Second I hope to log my journey into a better "whole" me. So in part, I'll be writing about fitness and nutrition in hopes that it will assist me in getting to a healthier lifestyle. I've felt like "half" myself for a few years now.

Third, I suppose I will write at length about my future which will mostly revolve around babies and becoming a mother. Its pretty much the driving force in my life right now.

Finally, I hope that this "half to whole" business will help me resolve some other issues about spirituality as well as self-improvement overall.

Guess its pretty far-reaching blog eh?

I tend to write as if I'm thinking aloud which lends itself to some level of unpredictability.

Let's get rollin...