Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Packing the Photos...

Last night I was packing away photo albums and I came across a small photo album with my junior and senior prom pictures in it. I was with the same boy, my first boyfriend, both years. We dated for three years. He was a major regret. More about him later.

At any rate, I took a moment with my DH to look through this old photos. I felt compelled to share this part of my life with him.

And I felt very wistful.

First, I looked so young. Not a care in the world. Secondly, I remembered what it felt like to go shopping for those dresses and wear them. My junior prom dress was white satin with black velvet rose petals dripping all along it. It didn't look like a wedding gown at all and it was very innocent looking. My senior prom dress was a pale yellow ballgown. The black and white was my favorite and the yellow my mother chose for me. I remember getting ready for the prom too. My mother did my makeup. She always said a woman's makeup made all the difference in how she felt about everything else.


I also looked so small. So thin, with nice arms, and beautiful shoulders. A graceful neck and lovely legs. A double chin too which I've just resigned to the fact that regardless of my size, the only trait my father passed on to me is his chin.

And I regrettably used to beat her up so badly. That girl in the prom dress with the wide innocent smile, bright eyes and beautiful shoulders. Loads of negative self-talk about how fat she was, how flabby her tummy was, how big her hips were, how all the other girls were way smaller than she.

I beat that girl up a lot.

And I regret it.

Everyday.

It just allowed a weaker self to develop later in life. A self that, for a short time, accepted those words from another.

That girl developed into a secure woman to the outside world. A tough, confident, no bullshit woman. An independent woman that others are amazed by in many ways.

I think those traits exist in me and are something to be proud of, but there are my faults as well. My extreme insecurity about my body. This vessel that carries my life. A vessel I have loathed since age 12.

I'm certain that my biggest issues with my body are emotional and spiritual. I know a great deal on nutrition and exercise. I know a great deal about eating disorders, the influence of the media, the impact of my mother and other women in my family.

I know it intellectually.

But in my heart?

That's another story altogether. One I need to get to in order to heal.

I really wish I hadn't beat that girl up so much then.

I probably wouldn't be beating this woman up now...

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