Of Ass Gaskets and Gasoline Cans....

The Ass Gasket

The Gasoline Can




Warning: Humorous tongue in cheek melodrama ahead...

These two lovely devices created trauma for me yesterday.

First I had an ultrasound on Tuesday morning to check the baby's growth and be sure all the necessary working parts are still...well working properly. In the 3T you are either blessed with constipation or loose bowel movements that come at very inopportune times. I have not had any constipation the whole pregnancy so I get the other end of the spectrum. My breakfast moved things along exactly 15 minutes before my ultrasound and thus I was unable to maintain a full bladder. I tried my damndest to fill it up with water again but it didnt work.

Oh and the tech gave me shit for having "a non-existant bladder." I tried nicely to explain that I unfortunately had to go before the ultrasound to which she replied that I could have pinched it off....so then I had to explain that a bowel movement doesnt necessarily allow for a pinched off urine stream...and THEN she was sympathetic and said well you're right....

So she literally uses a whole bottle of ultrasound gel on my gut...she said she liked using a lot but holy shit....I was swimming in it. Gross! And the ultrasound was very uncomfortable due to my "non-existant bladder." Anyway, so that whole experience made me crabby. The good news is baby is perfectly fine in there and everything is working just wonderfully.

But then I went shopping, did some errands and went to lunch with a girlfriend. I was ok.

My OB appointment was on Tuesday afternoon. It was pouring friggin rain, and I had to park across a very busy street with no readily available sidewalk except the street light which was 2 blocks away. Thats a long ways to walk with a bowling ball between your legs and a full bladder. So after I waddled my PG behind across the street in the rain, trying to dodge traffic, I was already slightly crabby.

Blood pressure was good, baby is still all good but he was still concerned about the protein issue in my urine.

He then uses the words "24 hour collection." Le sigh...

So off to the hospital lab to get the tools I need for this collection. I have no idea what this entails other than the OB nurse sniggering at me saying I would need to "keep it cool."

Lovely.

It's pouring rain AGAIN and really windy and I'm not happy about slugging a twonie into the parking meter for an hour of time for which will amount to 10 minutes in line at the hospital lab. I'm a cheap ass when it comes to parking...and off to waddle some more in the rain. I'm crabby again.

The lab tech gives me what is officially called a urine collection kit which involves a medical urine hat and collection container. With instructions on how to use these items and the tech imploring me to NOT bring the medical urine hat back to the lab, I'm sent on my way.

After viewing these items, I affectionately and sarcastically re-named them the ass-gasket and gasoline can.

So it started yesterday morning at 8am...24 hours of collecting my pee. I have to also store the gasoline can in my refrigerator. I put it in the very bottom slot in the door but it still skeeves me out to have my urine near my potatoes and oranges. Also it smells every time the can is opened to add more. The whole process is quite gag-worthy. Oh and I'm also pissed because now that I'm full term, I really wanted to do the deed with DH to get labor started. But cant have his mess mussing up my sample either...so thats been delayed again...and its been delayed enough, let me tell you.

Let me say that at this point, I was glad to not be doing a poo collection...I've heard that is sometimes necessary for medical reasons....even MORE gross....but still...this urine collection thing was plenty traumatizing.

Last night I get some serious round ligament pain and can barely move. I'm not looking forward to the middle of the night collections. At 1 am, I get up to go and because I feel like I'm gonna fall off the toilet with the ass-gasket on there and spill my pee all over my bathroom, I dont get to empty out completely. So after I stand up, I promptly empty the rest of my bladder down my legs and in my undies. I'm pissed,literally.....so bumbling around with this stupid gasoline can, round ligament pain, a towel between my legs, trying to get new undies, I grunted around and said enough....there is enough damn urine in this can to test I am NOT doing this again in the middle of the night and changing my underwear again!

I finished this morning and took it back to the hospital because its super important to get this into the lab as soon as possible. Nevermind my need to sleep in but I was relieved to get it out of my fridge away from my potatoes and oranges. Slugged a twonie for 15 minutes of time and dropped the gas can at the lab. Results had better be good.

I hope to never, ever, ever do that again.