I Used To Be Interesting...

Well this is one of many things on my mind lately....jobs, going back to work, skills and confidence.

Lets start with jobs. I need one. Desperately. Not only for financial reasons which are big but for mental health. The thing I loathe most about living in Ontario is the contract bull shit that employers (especially those funded by ministries) put their workers through every 6-12 months. Give me a break. I can understand covering a maternity leave or a long-term sick leave. But other than that, make people feel like they are worth their salt and give them a real job. A job with long-term stability, benefits, sick days, vacation days and a sense of normalcy instead of panic every few months about whether or not the paychecks will continue.

Its UTTER bull shit. It has been my life since 2008 as well. Im sick of it. I'm going to be 29 years old, have been out of school since 2007 and working since I was 14. I've paid my damn dues, I'm not 19 anymore, I deserve a job in my field. I'm not asking for a huge wage, just something to make me feel like my 100k Masters degree was worth a damn. Anything but a contract, anything but minimum wage.

Because of this we cant plan for anything. We cant say, oh yeah lets go buy a new car because we can afford the montly car payment, even though we really need a new car. What little money we have left over, we cant put into a retirement account like we "should" be doing. And when I am working a contract, I feel I have to be on my very best behavior, never ask for a day off or dare call in sick because Im hoping it will turn into something permanent.

Ok so now that I've vented about that...lets talk about going back to work after having a baby. By the way, if you're a SAHM or a working mom that would rather be home, perhaps this section isnt for you. Thats ok and I hope its ok with you that I'm writing this because its how I feel. You may be built to SAH but I'm not.

With every fiber of my being, I NEED to go back to work. I have been at home with Maxim for 10 months. 10 very long months. 10 months with no vehicle at home unless its planned and its a pain. I work very part time teaching in the evenings (every 6 months for just a few weeks) and also on Saturdays every 6ish weeks. These few hours I get are precious to me. Because I feel like I'm actually using my brain. Yes raising a child is difficult, it requires a whole other skill set, patience and knowledge. Since having a child, my brain has been flooded with all sorts of knowledge about raising a child...breast feeding, solids, milestones, baby sleep, ABC's and 123's, the color and consistency of normal poop, defending my choices, and all the other wonderful things about motherhood. However, my daily life as a mom is very mundane. Housework, baby care, playing....they never change. Its always the same every day. We dont even have a routine really but things still never change. However, there are perks to being at home. I can declare jammy day and we can both chill out in our jammies all day. I can nap when babe naps if its been a rough night. I have been able to reach my breast feeding goals. I love watching my son grow and develop and learn new things every day. The smiles, baby laughs and warm moments are worth it most days.

However, another part of me absolutely hates it. I am a horrible housewife. I hate chores, I hate cleaning my house but I wish it was clean...lol...such a stupid problem really. If I really hated a dirty house, I'd clean it but I hate cleaning so much it just stays messy. What a circle jerk. Being at home is exhausting because its so boring. And because the things I do are boring, I feel that I am boring and uninteresting. My life as mother consumes every part of my life and conversations and interests and it just sucks. I used to be interesting. So while I have this whole new skill set as a mother, the other part of me is starting to atrophy. The half that craves adult stimulation, intellectual conversation, having more to say and offer to conversation with friends, challenging my skills as a counsellor. I love my son, I love that Canada is so great that I didnt have to go back to work at 6 weeks, I love being a mother. I dont love being or feeling like I'm uninteresting.

So now that we've come to discuss jobs (and the lack of them) and needing to work for sanity, the biggest reason I am NOT enjoying my maternity leave is because Im technically unemployed, not on maternity leave. It weighs on my mind every day how badly I'll need a job by May when my benefits run dry. I cant enjoy this time very much with this black cloud hanging over us. Yes I chose to have a baby with only a contract job but given the fact that contracts seem to be the popular employment form of choice around here, I could have delayed starting my family for many years, still be working shitty contract after shitty contract and not have kids well into my 30's. I think that next time around, if I do have a permanent job, this mat leave thing will be really nice. Right now, I worry because I hate staying at home so much and am having such a hard time finding a job, I'm scared that I'll be resigned to a life as an unhappily unemployed stay at home mom instead of a happily employed mom that is happily on maternity leave and ready to go back to work after a year. I'm scared that I"ll continue to be uninteresting. The depression I see in my future if I dont get a job is staggering.

Of course, one might ask why I cant switch my mindset around and embrace staying at home. One for financial reasons, its just not possible for me to stay at home. The other is that a great deal of my self worth and confidence is wrapped into my working life, my education and my skills. Ever since I've been working, I've put 100% of my efforts into being a good employee. I take great pride in my work ethic. I take great pride in my education, my accomplishments and my abilities. When I was unemployed before I got residency in Canada, it was apparent that I wouldnt be happy until I got a job. Now being on maternity leave, loving my baby and taking on the biggest challenge of life in motherhood and realizing it still isnt enough, its even more apparent to me how much of my core is focused on my education and work and how empty I feel sometimes because I'm not getting fulfilled in this arena.

And because I feel like my work brain is melting slowly, my confidence in going back to work is starting to wilt and its really apparent in recent interviews I've had. Basic things I know like the cellulite pattern on my ass I'm screwing up on in interviews. I used to nail interviews, I was amazing in the interview. I can talk to anybody, I can talk about myself in a way that is positive without being boastful. I'm charming and easy to engage, and had very little nerves. Now I'm a cowering bluttering moron, just so damn desperate for a job, its oozing out of my pores. The longer I stay out of the field, the harder it will be to turn my brain back on.

Awesome. Lack of confidence is a great trait to have right now.

Anyway, thats enough for this post...its getting too long. Next up...The Fight.