Long-Distance Grandparents

This is going to be a really hard post to write but I have to get it out.

My in-laws live 90 minutes from us. We spend over half of our weekends a year with them, a majority in the summer because their cottage is only 45 minutes away. We rarely miss a family event. I do get along with my in-laws for the most part and feel blessed that we have a good relationship with them. They drive me insane sometimes, but that is bound to happen from time to time.

My parents live 900 miles away. So far we have seen them twice a year, about every 6 months. We have committed to every other Christmas back home with them since we got married and will continue to do this.

If we had moved to the States, it isnt likely we would be very close distance-wise to them due to my career field. I havent lived close to them in 5 years since I first moved away when I went to grad school. For the most part, living apart hasnt been rosy but it hasnt been super difficult either. We enjoy the weeks we get to see them and we keep in contact by phone weekly.

DH's family has often called me "brave" for moving so far away from my family. I dont feel brave at all, it was just something I sacrificed for my DH because he didnt want to move far away from his family. It wasnt such a big sacrifice when it was just the two of us.

When I was pregnant, it was hard not to have my family nearby. It made me sad that I didnt get to announce my pregnancy in person to them, instead settling for phone calls home. I never got to go shopping with my mother for cute baby clothes or baby stuff...I had to settle for my mother-in-law and I do not like shopping with her. My parents got to see my bump through Facebook pictures, not in person like everybody else. She, my aunts and my sister were not at our baby shower. Instead, I opened my parents package last knowing I would burst into tears anyway missing them and then friggin lost it with the ugly cry when I saw the gift they sent to me (a mini hockey jersey from my university). My parents didnt buy us much for the baby because my in-laws took over and bought all of the big items even when I asked them to wait and consider my parents too.

When Maxim was born, he was two weeks early and my parents had planned their trip up here to be 2 weeks after his due date. So they didnt get here until he was a month old. It made me incredibly sad that my parents, siblings and other family members didnt get to hold our brand newborn baby. I was slightly bitter that DH's family got to gush over our new baby, but my parents and family didnt. I dont have those precious pictures of them with him when he was that small but I love the photos I do have with them together. The rest of my family including my grandparents wont meet him until August when he will be 3 months old.

My friends dont understand how blessed they are to have their parents nearby. They may interfere at times and that is definitely frustrating but at least they still have them. I wonder daily when we'll ever get a date night to ourselves again because my DH doesnt want to pay for a babysitter and we dont have readily available and willing grandparents in town. Its not easy for us to just drop the baby off at Grandma's for the afternoon so we can sleep, go shopping or spend time together. We'll never be able to do that, it will always take weeks of planning ahead. I dont empathize with their complaints at all right now.

When my in-laws went on their trip recently, my MIL said "oh its going to be so hard and he's going to change so much in the 2 weeks we are gone." In front of my parents and me. I was really pissed off about it. Its incredibly insensitive of her to think this way and then say it in front of my parents when they would LOVE to have only 2 weeks between visits.

Then this weekend, DH's aunt said that "we're lucky that you are from far away because we get to see you and Maxim lots." Meaning far from my family so they get all the time with the baby that they want. Again...really insensitive and I just about lost it on her and burst into tears. Instead I clammed up, kissed my baby over and over and stopped talking to her, even when she tried to keep talking to me.

They also say "you must miss your parents a lot. They must miss the baby a lot."

I dont just miss my parents anymore. I used to miss them. Its more than missing them now. I have a large gaping hole in my heart that feels empty because they arent here. It is an empty pit in my stomach. I am scared that my son wont know the other half of his family. I'm mad that some of the family traditions we have, we wont get to share easily with my son. I fear that instead of running to my parents with a laugh and joy in his eyes when we see them, he'll be scared and shy and turn away not knowing them and their love. I have a very close relationship with all of my grandparents and I so hope that for my son too. We have webcams to make the connection easier but its not the same....it will never be the same as hugs, kisses, bags of candy, little toys, and I love you's in person.

I just wish for once that I would get a deep heartfelt thank you from DH...and from his family. For making this sacrifice I've made...for them. In 3 years, I've never been thanked for doing what I've done for them. My DH is very happy I've moved here with him and I dont doubt him. The least my in-laws could do is just simply thank me instead of making insensitive comments. I made a huge sacrifice for them and its really looming in my face now that my baby is here.

DH and I did long-distance before we got married. That was hard. Long-distance grandparents will be infinitely more difficult.