10 Weeks

I broke down and bought a new pair of pants tonight. My old ones still fit but there is a small hole in the seam on my hip and I dont know how to sew (how lame is that?!)...plus they are looking pretty beat up too.

I feel pretty good, just super tired. Seems like the fatigue is worse the last few days. I can no longer sleep on my back, it just gets too sore. I bought a body pillow tonight to help ease the back pain.

I miss sex. DH and I haven't had any nookie since our anniversary trip and we're both a little edgy because of it. Its mostly due to my fatigue really, not for lack of desire. Sex is actually better since getting PG so I miss it a lot.

Still a lot of problems with getting care. I had a serious meltdown today and cried for an hour. Sobbing, ugly body-wracking crying...I had to take a nap to calm myself down. To put a long story short, MW hasnt returned my phone calls so I'm trying to get another MW or doctor. And the process to get a doctor involves me going to a walk-in clinic (to expose myself to really sick people when I'm perfectly healthy...makes no sense) to simply get a referral and one of the OB's I called today (before I found out I need a referral) said they weren't taking anybody until March...wtf?? Nobody gets pregnant in this town so you dont fit any new pregnant women into your practice?! How the hell do Canadian women get adequate pre-natal care?!?! Or am I just super-duper lucky special case (note dripping sarcasm) and this is a nightmare I'll get out of soon?!?! That was really the last straw for me emotionally and I just friggin lost it. Ugh this sucks. I just want to know that me and my baby will have good pre-natal care and its getting to the point where I need to have SOMETHING, anything scheduled so I can get it started. I don't care if its not for another 2-3 weeks...I need SOMETHING on my calendar saying I can get in to see someone for blood work, paperwork, see my baby or hear the heartbeat. I think I'm going to cry again...

And my friend from work just called and said her nephew has H1n1 and that she has been exposed. The agency is making her go to work since she isn't symptomatic yet but it puts ME at risk because we run a therapy group together. The management doesnt know yet that I'm PG because I still dont have my contract (they'r dragging their feet for some stupid unknown reason) so I can't tell work that I'm PG...ugh...AND with the whole MW fiasco...if I had gotten in to see her before TODAY, I would have been able to get my vaccine TODAY when they started rolling them out for PG women. Ugh, ugh ugh!

Needless to say this last week has not been a good one for me and this week isn't looking much better. I'm grateful that everything appears to be going ok for me...no spotting, cramping or anything so I hope that is a good sign.

Prayers for a better week and hopefully I dont get sick.

The Lost Child

Well...

My morphine addict was discharged from treatment 3 weeks ago. Apparently she was putting a lot of "hope" back into her family and friends.

And her status is "Program Incomplete."

Damnit.

She has since gone AWOL and hasn't contacted family or friends in 3 weeks.

Damnit.

She is a case where I can honestly say I did everything I could for her so she could help herself.

She continues to choose to stay sick. Its a cunning, powerful disease.

Sometimes this job really sucks....

Damnit.

9 Weeks

My pants are getting tight! But I weighed myself and still the same pre-pregnancy which is good for me since I probably will be advised to only gain about 15 pounds throughout the pregnancy. Aaack...and I'm sure I'll need a new bra next week.

I finally got a call today from my midwife's secretary after THREE messages to them since Wednesday. She said that my MW would be calling me "soon" to set up another appointment. Apparently she's been "busy with a lot of births" but still...a phone call goes a really long way for someone that so far hasn't been impressed with the level of professionalism displayed. I know midwives are busy people and babies come whenever and wherever but just a simple little phone call from her secretary to let me know would have been wonderful.

My friend who recently gave birth in May and had this woman was so upset to hear how difficult it has been for me with this MW. She gave a really glowing recommendation of the lady, the practice and the secretary as well. So I really don't get it and I really hope it doesn't become a pattern.

So emotional was I on Friday night about this whole thing that as I was going to bed, I laid there thinking irrationally "What if I don't get to see anybody? What if the docs can't see me? Nobody cares about me or my baby." Seriously...the crap that goes on in your mind is wild. Never before would I have thought such things before but I was seriously close to tears and had to practice grounding techniques to get back to earth!!

I've decided that getting up to pee every hour in the night is THE most annoying pregnancy symptom by far. And I have a full freaking bladder every time even though its been HOURS since I had something to drink. So weird. And I didn't sleep well last night in general and I was so frustrated because I kept tossing and turning and I kept looking over at my DH who was sleeping so wonderfully thinking, you lucky jerk. I had to take a nap this afternoon and I slept so good for an hour. So I'll have to practice pelvic lifts and kegels to hopefully help with getting up at night.

I really can't wait to see and hear the baby's heartbeat. Its been on my mind a lot today and this weekend. I so hope everything is going ok in there but I have no reason to believe otherwise. Only my one aunt has a child with a congenital defect and the women in my family have carried healthy babies to term with relatively good pregnancies. My mother did miscarry one child at 6 weeks but her mother did not miscarry so I think the odds are in our favor. Of course we have no control and can only pray for a healthy, happy baby. I think the reason I'm thinking about this so much is the lack of that first appointment. Even though the liklihood of hearing or seeing the baby at that point is low, I think its the whole ordeal and feeling like a lack of care even though I'm not behind really. I will still get an U/S at 13ish weeks to check out everything which is only a few weeks away at this point.

But its amazing how much I look forward to Mondays...Mondays are my weeks and its a relief to get to another Monday to start a new week on this journey.

No Appointment :(

Today was my first appt with my midwife. DH took two hours off work, I snuck out of a meeting (and have to make up somewhere this week 90 minutes!!) and we drove 25 minutes away to the clinic. Nobody was there!! It was locked up tight and nobody was around. We found a pay phone and called but just got a machine so I left a message. We waited for 30 minutes and I was bawling my eyes out. When we got back to town, we stopped at the house to see if they left a message this morning and nothing on our machine. Also I haven't heard back from them yet since I left the message this morning.

My rational side says its obvious she was called to a birth and that's totally ok. My hormonal side is so upset I didn't get my first appointment. I've been waiting for 4 weeks for this appt and it's the only thing that has helped me pass the time without going nuts. Plus it would have been nice to get a message. This woman has someone in the office that takes appointments and phone calls so you would think someone would have called to reschedule. My friend that had her said they warned her it may happen but they always called to reschedule before she went out there. :(

I'm so bummed out. I'm 8 weeks PG and haven't had any care at all yet. No blood tests, no U/S and now I'm booked out with clients until the end of October so I don't know how I'll squeeze in another appt. Ugh today just sucks!!!

8 Weeks

Lots of questions this week from people. Its funny the things people ask you or give advice about when you get PG.

I've had to explain my rationale for choosing a midwife over a doctor. I was asked if I'm against epidurals. I would prefer to not use an epi but when push comes to shove (no pun intended...ok maybe, lol) I am not against them at all and may find the need for one myself. I just prefer the care of a midwife over a doctor and I know that if necessary, I can be transferred to a doctor's care very easily. One of DH's aunts was like "oh JUST a midwife, eh?" Yes just a MW who happens to be a trained nurse and certified MW and has delivered over 1800 babies, thanks...grrrr.

My pants are getting tight. I almost bought a pair in the next size up but I decided to wait it out. I'll probably just break down and buy maternity pants anyway instead of just getting bigger pants. I need a new bra too but its not too noticeable yet that my cups runneth over.

I got to hold a two month old for a few hours on Saturday. She slept in my arms for at least an hour and I talked to her mom about PG and birth. It was so fun and the little wee one is so sweet!

The first thing mother in law asked me this weekend when she saw me was "Hi! Are you showing yet??" To which I replied, "Haha, I'm too fat to show yet." Ugh...seriously!!?? At 8 weeks, I'm supposed to be showing?!?! Craziness...and really, I am heavy to start with so I dont expect to show that much until much later in the 2nd trimester.

The other thing from her was a registery. Ugh honestly. I have no desire to shop and when I think about it, its very overwhelming. I really don't want to do any shopping or decision making until I hit the 2nd trimester. I was telling DH's cousins about this (they have two children each, one of which was the 2 month old) and they totally backed me up. MIL must have overheard me because she was looking right at me. So I hope she gets the hint. She also asked if she could buy the crib...to which I replied I need to speak with my parents first. She said she wants to buy a "big thing." Ok Super Ma Mere....

I sound like a bitch I know but I'm really not. I know she is excited for us and for the baby but enough already. Just like getting married and planning a wedding, I don't obsess over these things like other people I guess. I'm also a really grounded person and I just don't get giddy or giggly over this stuff. I am SUPER excited and I love being pregnant and I can't wait for the baby. But I definitely don't gush non-stop about it. I would become those annoying women I don't like very much. I dont want a baby to be the entire focus of my life until May. Am I being completely irrational and ridiculous about this??

I asked DH if it would be unreasonable to wait to buy a crib until my parents come after the baby is born and then my parents could buy us the crib. This way my parents are involved, DH and my dad can bond over putting the crib together and we really don't need a crib right away as I plan to get a bassinet for our bedroom. I figured MIL could buy the bassinet for us which may placate her need to buy "a big thing." He seemed to like this idea so we'll see what we end up doing. Everything else in the nursery will be ready before the baby gets here.

I did buy the baby a polar bear this weekend. Arctic baby animals is our nursery theme and Build-A-Bear has a polar bear. So I stuffed it and bought the baby for it...its super duper cute and cuddly. I named him Ice Cap. He'll go in our room for awhile until we get the nursery started sometime in January.

My first appointment with my midwife is on Wednesday. I'm very excited about that and so is DH. It will feel like things are moving along at a good pace after seeing her I think and get my mind on the ultrasounds and seeing the baby.

Finally I dreamed this week about the delivery and in the dream DH shouted, "Its a girl." I've been calling the baby "she" all week too. I kind of think its a girl but I hope its not just hoping that has me thinking this way.

Will update after my appointment on Wednesday.

Connected...

I've been in a spiritual crisis for about 7 years now but I'm figuring out that when I'm close to nature and taking pictures of nature that I feel close and connected to whatever higher power there may be out there. Forests, oceans and wheat fields are my favorite things to photograph and the parts of nature I identify with parts of my personality. Here are some of my recent pics from our trip. We took a hike in the forest and also a steamship lunch cruise on a big lake in Ontario. It was cloudy and overcast but I still got some nice pictures. I'll post lots of pictures like this on my blog...its definitely a release for me and a way to connect to something other than my self.

7 Weeks

7 weeks today.

Two weeks ago, someone told me that pregnancy is "like a marathon your body is running without your consent or total awareness."

Its very true.

I'm excited every week to reach a new week because it means its that much closer to the 2T. Still a week to my midwife appointment though, it can't get here fast enough.

Still very tired but the nausea only comes and goes. For the most part I'm eating normally except no alcohol (obviously) and no caffeine (which is a little harder but not really). I had a major coffee habit in the mornings, Pepsi at least once a day and tea after supper. A friend of mine who doesn't know I'm PG brought me a Pepsi today to our training and it wasn't even tempting. Of course I didn't tell her why I didn't drink it, I just put in my bag "for later." I thought giving up Pepsi and coffee would be really really hard but Mommy instincts must kick in right away.

I had some round ligament pain last night before bed. It was a dull pain on the left side. At first I got evil thoughts in my head but soon calmed myself to attributing it to RLP. It was reassuring to have that symptom as my other symptoms have been mild and tolerable except for the exhaustion.

By the way, this wont be turning into a PG blog! I intend to post pics soon from our trip this weekend.

But I need to go to bed now...I'm exhausted!