15 Weeks

Not much new to report this week except that I'm officially wearing maternity clothes. MIL bought me the whole lot this weekend when we went shopping at Mother.hood Mater.nity. It's super generous of her.

I had a three fillings today which was not pleasant. They didnt force the dental dam thing which was nice and my mouth is just now getting back to normal.

I had a spa pedicure today and it was heaven. I've had a few pedicures in the past but this was the real deal. I nearly fell asleep, it was so relaxing. I'll be going back sometime in April before the baby is due.

I had a strange craving for these this weekend...

I must have eaten 10 packs, hehe!

I found a crib and changing table/dresser I absolutely adore. Its a convertible crib that can be changed to a toddler bed and double bed in the future. I think we will order them sometime after Christmas.

I have a busy week ahead with my week off. Mostly Christmas preparation like baking, shopping and Christmas cards. Should be good and we have a Christmas part at a friend's house this weekend. We got our first snow yesterday and DH put up the Christmas lights tonight. House looks great.

Not much else to report. Just feeling pretty good and hoping my mouth isnt sore tomorrow.

"A Better Existence..."

Today was an amazing day.

Dr. Gabor Maté was in town today to speak about addictions. My agency was one of the hosts so our entire team got to go listen to him lecture.

I've had his book "In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts" for a year now and it was unreal. He is a medical doctor in Vancouver's East Side which is the most concentrated area of addicts in North America. The misery and suffering, and at times, profound hope is incomparable and difficult to understand.

Listening to him speak was incredible. For a medical doctor, he is incredibly grounded and attuned with people and their complexities. He had some perspectives on addiction I had not heard before or explanations that made sense in a very every person sort of way. I urge anybody to with an interest in human condition to read his books.

One thing he summarized was this...and I'm paraphrasing...

Imagine an addict. He's homeless, hungry and in poverty. He hasn't showered for weeks and he doesn't have a safe place to sleep at night. He's infected with HIV, has abscesses from chronic needle use, bloodshot eyes, tracks on his arms and legs, no nasal septum from years of snorting drugs, skeletal due to chronic use and malnutrition. He's been abused, neglected and without support from family and friends for years. He's has no high school education, no job and no skills. Not only is he addicted, he has profound mental illness. He has the stigma of "addict", a spectre of shame and guilt that hovers in his mind.

Now you tell me what his bottom is? What is a negative enough consequence for him if all of those other things haven't stopped him from ravaging his body and soul with powder, pills and needles? Only death and that is a result, not a consequence, because he won't be around to know it.

Addicts dont need to hit a bottom, they are already there. What they need is the belief and idea that their existence can be better, that their life can be better.

14 Weeks

Another Monday, another week.

My clothes officially don't fit. I upped my pant size a month ago just to be ready for it and stay in regular pants a little longer and they are getting increasingly difficult to pull up and down. But once they are on, they are ok. They dont have any button or zipper, just a flat front which is cool and they should stretch a bit more before I have to break into maternity pants.

Shirts, not so much. Only my big sweaters are comfortable now. I explored the two maternity stores in my in-laws town this weekend and discovered a 20-30 dollar price difference between the two and the store in my town. So I'll be doing my shopping there when we go visit next weekend.

I'm still lacking energy in the evenings. During the day it is much better but around 5pm, I just crash. Sleeping at night is a big challenge...some nights I toss all night, and then after about two or three of those bad nights, I crash and sleep all night. I'm getting stuffiness at night too which doesn't help because of having to breathe through my mouth, which then just dries me right out.

It is very strange how one's bre.ast tissue changes during pregnancy. Before, they were quite soft, squishy and saggy. Not very dense at all. Now, they are harder and I can feel the tissue changing where they aren't squishy anymore. Its very weird.

I had a dentist appointment today which wasn't very much fun. My gums are super sensitive and my gag reflex is in overdrive. Oh and they want to fill at least two cavities in the next three months, one of which is next Monday. The worst part...this dentist uses rubber dental dams and forces them over the tooth and clamps them down with a metal clamp. My old dentist didnt use them. It freaked me out before, I thought I was choking. So now with this gag reflex thing, I'm worried. I mentioned it to the hygenist who said she would ask that they reconsider using it so it doesn't set off the gag thing.

I've been doing yoga too which so far the biggest benefit is the relaxation that settles over me when doing it and after. Work has been such a stress hell lately so the yoga helps to refocus.

I bought some cocoa butter and Vitamin E lotion for stretch marks. I'm certain I'll get them anyway, I have a few on my hips already from previous weight gain, but hopefully it will help diminish the impact. The ones I have aren't very apparent so hopefully that will be the case for the belly marks.

Counting down to my big anatomy ultrasound. Only four weeks to go!! We're still trying to decide whether to find out or not. It will be the big discussion in the next few weeks.

13 Weeks

Breathing a sigh of small sigh of relief... I'm in the 2nd trimester!

Now, its a small sigh of relief because something could still happen to the wee one but the odds are more in our favor that everything will continue to go well for us.

So after last week's meltdown, I got a very last minute ultrasound! Turns out the doc did send a requisition over and the nurse scheduled me last minute. DH and I went on Friday morning and it was the coolest, most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It was unbelievable to watch the baby jumping and kicking and moving around inside of me. It was a little surreal to finally realize...yep, there is a real baby in there and its coming in six months!! I still can not fully put it into words other than utterly amazing.

This week my clothes dont fit very well at all but they arent tight either. My brea.sts have gone from a 38C to a 42D already! I think my ass is pregnant too, or perhaps more pregnant than my belly. My hips and rear have definitely changd. My feet are already swollen just enough to make my favorite red shoes uncomfortable. Its crazy how the body changes. Emotions are a crazy thing too, and still something that throws me for a loop when I get stupid emotional about stuff.

I think I've been feeling little pokes from the inside but I'm not putting much into it or I guess getting hopeful that it is the baby I'm feeling and not something else. I'm a first-timer and its unusual for a first-timer to feel movement early. But it is defnitely a different sensation than any other. I also really think its a girl too and have been calling the baby, "she" quite a bit.

So I am full of gratitude for making it to the 2nd trimester and for seeing our baby. I'm full of gratitude for a wonderful husband who continues to amaze me everyday. I'm full of gratitude for being a woman and being able to have this experience of bringing forth a new life. I'm full of gratitude for my own mother who I thought I appreciated but I got a whole new, deeper level of respect when I became pregnant.

I'm full of gratitude.

Unreasonable Sadness....

Ok this is completely irrational and unreasonable of me. The rational and reasonable side of me is completely aware and understands this.

But I can NOT stop getting teary about this. Seriously. Unreasonable hormones.

I haven't had the chance to hear my baby's heart beat.

Or see my baby.

And I'm so unreasonably upset and sad about this.

I really need to stay off the 'tubes for awhile because women on my EC have been able to hear the heartbeat by now or are getting their NT scans and other 12 week scans and I'm not. Some women are't getting any U/S until 18-25 weeks but they at least know that is what to expect. If I wasn't getting a U/S until then and knew that right now, I know I wouldn't be having these unreasonable emotions about it.

And I don't know when I am and I don't know what to expect.

My DH only feels somewhat connected to this pregnancy which is understandable because nothing is happening to him physically and he can't "see" anything happening yet.

An ultrasound would really help me and my DH get more connected to this baby.

And more importantly to know everything is going ok in there.

Again, unreasonable sadness.

But it heightens once again for me that I feel that I've been getting extremely sub-standard care for this pregnancy thus far compared to other women that I know in real life who have given birth and talked about their pre-natal care with me. They have stated a 12-14 week scan is a normal occurrence and yet the doctor I saw said that it isn't necessary but that he could possibly order one for me. So which is it and which will it be for me? I need information but when I call I feel like a major pain in their ass and like I don't matter, or one of "those first time" moms who gets "anxiety" over every little thing. Seriously, I'm not. I'm the most laid back person ever, any anxiety I've experienced over the last few weeks has been completely warranted due to the asshat midwife and her practices. Again if an ultrasound at this stage isn't warranted, then a doctor needs to tell me because I would be ok if I knew what was to be expected. And even if I don't get a U/S right now, can I at least hear my baby's heartbeat?

It does not help I'm getting shit on at work over something completely out of my control and completely not my fault. So between that bullshit at work and this...

Completely unreasonable. My rational and logical side knows this completely.

12 Weeks

My first appointment went well with the doctor. It was your standard first appointment but I'm just grateful to be getting care. I have a follow up in two weeks with him and then will go forward with an OB. I haven't gained any weight which is good and my blood pressure was normal too.

The fatigue has definitely lessened since last week, especially during the late afternoons. But now I'm sick. Stupid cold. I have the worst cough ever and went home sick on Friday. I could have stayed but since I can't take any meds, I figured I should stay home and rest. It is much better today but still coughing like an idiot. My voice sounds really husky and deep....I told my co-worker I should be on one of those 1-900 numbers. Wouldn't that be impressive to talk with mom about on our next phone call?

"Dear how did you use your Master's degree this week?"

"I joined the Hawt Girls XXX network 3 nights a week."

"Lovely dear."

"Yeah if this works out, I might join the Psychic Network."

Anyway, this too shall pass.

I also have a spurt of acne mostly on my temples and a bit around my nose. Its a bit obnoxious but nothing horrible. Its not a total breakout.

In other news, I found my uterus.

That sounds like it was lost or something.

I should say I can feel my uterus. Supposedly its the size of a grapefruit right now but with my extra belly fat, I'm not showing yet. But I've been poking around trying to feel it and I finally felt the top of it yesterday.

So I went downstairs to show DH and as I walked into the living room, I had my hand in my pants.

Cue image of a female Al Bundy.

I really am more refined and dignified than I describe.

DH sees me with my hand in my pants and was like "What's going on here?" Hehe!

So I grabbed his hand and said "here, can you feel that little hard bump?" He could and I told him that is where the baby is and he said "I don't want to hurt the baby." I said you'll hurt me before the baby if you press to hard. Anyway, he thought that was pretty cool.

Ahh its the little things that amuse us right now.

11 Weeks

Hooray for 11 weeks! Two more weeks and I'll be in the 2T!! I'm so excited!

My belly feels harder this week. I am heavy but it doesn't feel like a jelly roll or jiggle that much anymore, hehe! So thats cool. I still can't really feel my uterus even though I know thats why my belly is hard to the touch...I can't really distinguish it from the rest of my gut I guess. A few more weeks and it should be pretty obvious.

My craving for the last week has been hot chocolate. Like at least every morning and sometimes later that day in the evening. I still haven't been sick but eating doesn't sound fun at all and nothing sounds good except potatoes, cheese and hot chocolate. Ugh, I hope I can enjoy food again. I grateful I'm not vomiting though so I'll take nothing tastes good over that.

I got vaccinated for the H1N1 flu on Saturday. I seriously struggled with this decision since August even before I found out I was PG, because I figured there would be a good chance I would be PG this winter. I'm not anti-vax, I just have enough healthy skepticism to think really hard before doing things. Anyway, I'm glad I did it now especially given the population I work with who are generally in poor health, immuno-suppressed and dont care much about their own health, let alone mine.

I have my appointment on Thursday with a family doctor and then from there will get my referral to an OB. I'll get bloodwork started and possibly my 13 week scan scheduled as well. I'm excited and just happy to be getting seen by somebody. I can't wait to see the LO and I'm sure it will make this all so very real for my DH.

My hair seems abnormally dry and frizzy looking lately. I'm switching shampoos and getting a haircut tomorrow to see if that helps at all. I'm also getting a little bit of acne but nothing major.

I'll be really glad when I'm out the 1T because the fatigue is getting annoying. I have zero motivation to clean, go grocery shopping or do anything productive except sit in front of tv or sleep. Hopefully my energy will come back very soon!

Will post an update after my Thursday appointment.

Tears = A Small Meaningful Victory

A client I've been seeing since February who has been struggling a lot with alcoholism and mental health issues has been riding a very bumpy wave.

He agreed about a month ago that he would start to address "real" issues that were "deeper" than he has touched on before.

So we started with an exercise in "sitting amongst your shit" aka "here are some cards with negative emotions, how do they make you feel having to face them." Yes I made it up. But "sitting amongst your shit" aka "dealing with crappy unpleasant stuff in life" is not a skill many addicts have at all which is why they abuse drugs and alcohol.

It was quite effective. I almost got him to cry. At the very least, he started to talk.

Today he came back for a session after the card session and he had been struggling again. Not due to the exercise, just due to life being "normal" and he not being able to cope.

By the end of the session, we touched more on shame and guilt and he got pretty emotional but still no tears. We dug into some childhood stuff. He was scratching himself, rubbing his neck, rubbing his eyes, running his hands up and down his legs...basically everything possible to NOT cry. He has said many times he has never cried in front of others.

But he finally let go.

He did it.

He cried.

And he felt real, serious, honest emotions for the first time in months.

It was a victory.

Not for me though but for him.

He desperately NEEDED to cry and to do it in a place that is safe and without judgment.

His relief was palpable.

A small but every meaningful victory.

I'll take it.